Friday, January 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Advice columnist “Dear Abby” has died at age 94. She wrote a column giving people common sense advice on how to live their lives. Obviously, not many people took it.

Advice columnist “Dear Abby” has died at age 94. The newspapers knew it was time for her to retire when her last column explained why women should always wear bloomers under their hoop skirts.

A Houston newspaper reporter who was fired for being a stripper on the side has taken another job with a newspaper in San Antonio. People suspected she had been hired when a pole suddenly appeared in the newsroom.

A Houston newspaper reporter who was fired for being a stripper on the side has taken another job with a newspaper in San Antonio. The only real problem was when she would wear a G-string to work on casual Friday.

A lawyer in Germany says doctors left 16 items inside his client following prostate surgery. The worst part is they billed him for everything they had to replace.

A lawyer in Germany says doctors left 16 items inside his client following prostate surgery. The amazing part is that the one thing they forgot to take out was his prostate gland.

A poll says that 64% of Republicans feel that President Obama is “hiding something”. Apparently that “something” is his economic policy.

A poll says that 64% of Republicans feel that President Obama is “hiding something”. The other 32% say they wish that “something” was Joe Biden.

California is working with Amtrak to design trains that travel up to 220 mph. Amtrak trains already go that fast. The only problem is they are hitting that speed right around the time the wheels are coming off the tracks.

A report says there is no federal policy to check the references of job applicants. Which isn’t really important since it’s not like they are going to do any work anyways.

Krispy Kreme donuts says the chain is planning to grow from 740 to 1,300 stores by 2017. The only thing growing faster is the waist size of their customers.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says that 16.2 Million vehicles were recalled last year. No one even knew Chrysler had sold that many cars.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says that 16.2 Million vehicles were recalled last year. Which was easier and took less time than writing out “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration”.

Subway is being accused of selling footlong sandwiches that are only 11 inches long. That’s because Subway was started by a man, and men are always over exaggerating things by at least an inch.

The bad economy is said to be fueling the “Sugar Daddy” business, where young women seek out older wealthy men to take care of them. Otherwise known as the Senior PGA Tour.

Zillow says the White House has gone up in value by 7% since President Obama moved in, up to $294.9 Million. Although the mortgage debt on the house has now gone up to $16 Trillion.

Zillow says the White House has gone up in value by 7% since President Obama moved in, up to $294.9 Million. The only problem is that you have to spend about a billion dollars in order to be able to get to live there for just four years.

A report says that prisoners tried to claim $758 Million in fraudulent tax returns. Suspicions were raised when they asked to be paid in cigarettes and candy bars.

A report says that prisoners tried to claim $758 Million in fraudulent tax returns. Suspicions were raised when in this economy that many people were actually claiming to have an income.

A report says that prisoners tried to claim $758 Million in fraudulent tax returns. All they needed to do to make that much money and not risk going to jail is to become a corporate CEO.

A report says that the world will need $57 Trillion for infrastructure projects by 2030. By 2030 $57 Trillion will otherwise be known as the U.S. national debt.

The President of GM says the electric car is “not dead”. Although in the case of the Chevy Volt, the battery pretty much usually is.

The President of GM says the electric car is “not dead”. Mostly because if gas goes up any higher, the internal combustion engine might as well be.

A report says that Santa Clara County in California has the best economy of any metro area in the country. Of course, the entire county is full of only stores that sell coffee, comic books or khakis.

New unemployment applications in the U.S. have dropped to a five year low. Mostly because by now there really aren’t any jobs left for anyone to lose.

The annual salary at Goldman Sachs was just under $400,000 last year. Which explains how President Obama and Congress came up with that magic $400,000 figure at which to raise the tax rate.

A study says that bad publicity for a CEO reflects poorly on the entire company. Especially when the publicity is from company paying the CEO an eight figure salary to lay off half the employees and drive the company into bankruptcy.

Pete Rose says he hopes it isn’t too late for Lance Armstrong to admit cheating. To which Armstrong says the last thing he needs is Pete Rose trying to help him out.

New Wrangler jeans are being made with moisturizer in the fabric. How fat are we getting that our pants need to be lubricated to get them on?

Tiger Woods has reportedly proposed to his ex-wife Elin. Apparently cheating with other women just isn’t the same without her around.

Tiger Woods has reportedly proposed to his ex-wife Elin, who is demanding a $200 Million no cheating clause in their prenup. It will go down as the most expensive mulligan in history.

Khloe Kardashian has slammed tabloids for “absurd” and “ridiculous” stories about her. It turns out she was just reading the narrative for the upcoming episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

A report says that candles set Sharon Osbourne’s home on fire. That’s what happens when you leave lit candles unattended in a house with Ozzy Osbourne running around.

Kobe Bryant has been named to a record 15th straight All-Star team. He said he wanted to thank his teammates but couldn’t remember any of their names.

A customer is suing Red Bull energy drinks saying they are too wimpy, and have less caffeine than a cup of coffee. Apparently they were still able to give him enough energy to file a stupid and frivolous lawsuit.

Lady Gaga is rumored to be interested in buying Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in California. To which neighbors are upset, saying the property prices had finally just started going back up again.

Former Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich has signed on with Fox News. Apparently he was brought on so Fox could claim him as a minority hire.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says violence in movies doesn’t cause real violence. Until people realize they just paid $10 to see Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says violence in movies doesn’t cause real violence. Just like being an actor doesn’t mean you will be able to fool people into thinking you can be a decent politician.

A new brain monitor alerts doctors when a patient is awake during surgery. That keeps them from accidentally blurting out “Uh, oh!” while the patient can hear them.

A new brain monitor alerts doctors when a patient is awake during surgery. It also means that the patient’s insurance has just notified them that they don’t cover the anesthesiologist's bill.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah Winfrey that he used PEDs when he won seven Tour de France races. Even O.J. Simpson is saying “Didn’t learn ANYTHING from me?” I don’t need a confession here. Just make sure to remember to always send the love!

2 comments:

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