Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The NRA has released its own non-violent video shooting game for players 4 and older. Which after about two minutes causes most NRA members to shoot up their computer with an AK-47.

A condominium complex in Orlando is using DNA from dog droppings to identify who isn’t cleaning up after their dogs. Or as viewers will soon know it, the “ripped from the headlines” idea for the worst “CSI MIAMI” episode ever.

Lady Gaga is being criticized for wearing a bra that has two guns protruding from the cups. Apparently she always wanted to brag about having a pair of 38s.

Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley wants to push for fingerprinting all gun owners. Although NRA members say it’s not necessary since they can get the prints right when they pry the gun out of their cold, dead hands.

A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Which in this day and age means an open and shut case for most prosecutors.

A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Although some researchers say the study was flawed. Mostly because what cop is going to arrest and ruin his chances with a thin woman?

A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Which means the scales of justice are set at about 150 pounds.

A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Which means when the judge throws the book at a woman defendant, it’s the Weight Watchers recipe cookbook.

A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Apparently the men feel that if they find a skinny woman guilty, she can always just slip out between the jail cell bars anyway.

Thousands of people stood in line to apply for 200 jobs at Target in New Mexico. The only question is how did all those Wal-Mart employees manage to get off work at the same time?

Coca-Cola is going to address obesity in their ads for the first time. Apparently they are claiming that global warming is responsible for making those polar bears in their commercials so thirsty that they drank too many Cokes and got fat.

Coca-Cola is going to address obesity in their ads for the first time. Apparently they are telling people that the mirror doesn’t lie. The rear end you see is the Real Thing.

A study is linking junk food to asthma in children. How much are we inhaling our food that we can’t even breathe after a meal?

The world’s oldest subway in London is turning 150. Regular travelers say if conditions are right you can actually pick up the scent from urine left over from the Elizabethan days.

A baby shower in Massachusetts broke out into a 200 person brawl. Which is otherwise known to TV viewers as Tuesday’s episode of “Maury”.

A South Carolina teacher may lose his job over stomping on an American flag. Which is nothing compared with how he would have been drawn and quartered if it were a Confederate flag.

China is allowing the media to report on the severe air pollution in Beijing. Mostly because it’s so bad that the people can’t even read a newspaper right in front of their face.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke in a court session for the first time in nearly seven years. The amazing thing is that witnesses swear they didn’t even see Justice Antonin Scalia’s lips move while it happened.

The White House says that Texas must remain part of the U.S. in answer to a petition asking the state be allowed to secede. However, they did say that Alabama and Mississippi were more than welcome to see how it would work if they tried it.

The White House says that Texas must remain part of the U.S. in answer to a petition asking the state be allowed to secede. Which is just as good for them because if they were a different country it would just be a matter of time before we invaded them for their oil.

A budget analysis in California says that Jerry Brown’s budget is balanced. Which the first time that “Jerry Brown” and “balanced” have ever been used in the same sentence.

Afghan lawmakers say they fear that when the U.S. troops leave the country will break out in civil war. To which most people are asking how could they even tell?

Afghan lawmakers say they fear that when the U.S. troops leave the country will break out in civil war. Political experts were shocked. Afghanistan has laws?

Swatch has bought out upscale watch maker Harry Winston. To which people under 30 are asking “What’s a watch?”

Swatch has bought out upscale watch maker Harry Winston. Which is big news if your watch is set for 1985.

United and American Airlines are being accused of running “sham offices” in Illinois to avoid paying taxes. Although most people know that their real sham offices are the ones marked “customer service”.

Chrysler says it is planning mechanical changes to boost sales of the Dodge Dart. The first change is to mechanically remove the logo saying “Dodge Dart”.

Chrysler says it is planning mechanical changes to boost sales of the Dodge Dart. Although they haven’t quite figured out how to make a time machine to bring the Dart out of 1974.

A poll says that debt and government dysfunction are seen as top problems by Americans. The thing is, if you fix one it will pretty much take care of the other.

“The Book of Mormon” is pulling in an estimated $19 Million a month in its run on Broadway. The only way to make any more money is to actually start your own religion.

“The Book of Mormon” is pulling in an estimated $19 Million a month in its run on Broadway. To which the Catholic Church is saying “Amateurs!”

A study says that 30% of teenage girls admit to meeting a stranger they met online. The other 70% don’t have Myspace accounts.

A study says that 30% of teenage girls admit to meeting a stranger they met online. To which most middle age men are asking “So, what website are you on again?”

Researchers are challenging a study that says smoking marijuana lowers your IQ. Apparently the study just concluded you won’t find a lot of Mensa members lying on the couch all day, eating pizza and giggling nonstop.

A study says that people who believe they are stressed can actually become more stressed. The problem is, most people who believe they are stressed because their company is laying people off and their home is in foreclosure usually are pretty stressed.

A study says that a wintry cough usually lasts 18 days no matter what you do. Unless you smoke cigarettes and have had the cough for 20 years before that.

Kylie Minogue and her manager have split up after 25 years together. Apparently she felt she really doesn’t need him after not having a gig in the last 23 years.

Kylie Minogue and her manager have split up after 25 years together. Which is big news for those still living in 1988.

A report says that Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey that he used PEDs during his career. Apparently Oprah then forgave him and had him say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

A report says that Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah Winfrey that he used PEDs during his career. Not when he was riding his bicycle. It was when he was dating the Olsen twins. 

Danica Patrick says that her marriage is “irretrievably broken”. Apparently the problem was the same one she has in racing. The men always get to the finish line ahead of her.

Major League baseball says it may allow interpreters out to mound visits. Which is good news for whichever team picks up Brian Wilson next year.

Division I men’s college basketball may have its lowest scoring season since 1952. The players are missing so many shots, their scoring average could actually fall below their GPA.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I want to thank all of you for reading my blog every day. When this Internets thing catches on I want to be right at the forefront of the new technothingy. Just make sure to be old fashioned and remember to always send the love!

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