Sunday, January 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!-


The Sheriff’s Office in Orlando is experimenting with surveillance drones they hope to launch in the spring. If they are looking for crime, how about starting with $89 for a ticket to get into Walt Disney World?

Maryland and Pennsylvania are using computers to predict future crimes. The biggest victims are season ticket holders for the Pirates and Orioles.

Jerry Springer says he is “the father of the destruction of Western Civilization.” What’s even worse is that the test results were given on “Maury”.

The Social Security Administration is withdrawing disciplinary action against an employee who is overly flatulent at work. Government experts were shocked. People in the Social Security Administration actually work?

An Ohio school district is planning to arm its janitors. The question is, how are they going to use a gun when they aren’t even sure which end of the mop to use?

An Ohio school district is planning to give weapons to its janitors. You can’t even find one when there is a spill to clean up. How are you going to find them when there’s an armed intruder?

A proposed bill in Texas would force sex offenders to identify themselves online. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Myspace member database.

President Obama says the U.S. has fallen “short of the ideal” in Afghanistan. Unless you consider the ideal fighting an unnecessary war for more than a decade and losing.

The Treasury says a $1 Trillion coin would not be legal. Unless instead of “In God We Trust” it is inscribed with “We Don’t Trust Congress To Spend This Responsibly”.

Several hundred thousand people marched through Paris to protest against the planned legalization of same-sex marriage. Which means the city will officially have to give up being called “Gay Paree”.

The University of Arizona is offering a minor focusing on hip hop music. Even philosophy majors are asking students what they are going to do with that when they graduate.

The University of Arizona is offering a minor focusing on hip hop music. It’s available for students who are majoring in Ho’s, Bitches and Pimps.

The world’s oldest woman has died in Japan at age 115. Never have so many people lived so long to win a title and then give it up after only a few weeks.

A cannon in Central Park in New York from the Revolutionary War was found to be still loaded with gunpowder and a cannonball. No one in the park seemed to notice since they had a better chance against that than anyone in the park carrying an AK-47.

A cannon in Central Park in New York from the Revolutionary War was found to be still loaded with gunpowder and a cannonball which were immediately removed. Wayne LaPierre immediately condemned the Obama Administration for trying to take away every gun in America.

The Cuban Government has eased the country’s travel restrictions. In fact, they are trying to help people leave by giving away free instructions on how to build a raft.

A Goodwill worker in Virginia discovered a donated painting that has since been appraised at $12,000. Apparently the worker knew it was special because it was the only one ever donated that wasn’t featuring a unicorn and a rainbow or dogs playing poker.

A Washington, D.C. restaurant is serving checks to diners that feature news headlines. Apparently that way Congressmen who eat there can see if they have been indicted on their lunch break.

Chevrolet is redesigning the Corvette to re-establish the “cool factor” of owning one. Of course, it has always a status symbol to own a Corvette because people know how much money you need to afford to fill its tank.

Chevrolet is redesigning the Corvette to re-establish the “cool factor” of owning one. When people see a Corvette now, the question they ask is which is higher, the speed it will go or the age of the guy driving it.

China’s auto sales are predicted to rise 7% in 2013. Ironically, more people can afford to drive a car there than pay to walk around in a pair of Nikes their kids made for 37 cents a day.

A study says the sweatiest part of the body is the upper back. Fortunately, it’s not as big of a problem for Rosie O’Donnell ever since she started shaving hers.

A study says the least sweaty part of the body are the hands, fingers and feet. Unless you are working on the production crew of a Christian Bale movie.

Government health officials say this year’s flu shot is 62% effective. Which is 61% more effective than the government.

The American Cancer Society is recommending that older heavy smokers should be screened for lung cancer. The only problem is finding any heavy smokers who are older.

The American Cancer Society is recommending that older heavy smokers should be screened for lung cancer. That’s for people with a good health care plan. People without health insurance can just book a flight and use the TSA airport security X-Rays.

A hospital in Texas is allowing premature babies to bond with their parents with webcams. The next step after having their own webcam is a pole to practice dancing in their bedroom.

IBM is developing a computer system that could customize recipes based on people’s taste buds. Which for most Americans is pretty much the menu at McDonald’s.

New York City public hospitals are planning to tie doctors’ pay to the quality of care they give. Or as they would be known as if HMOs did that, “volunteers”.

A Colorado company is planning to market a marijuana infused skin care line. Apparently they are selling it to women who want the same creamy complexion as the Zig-Zag man.

Beijing’s air pollution actually went beyond the measuring index last week. It was so bad that people who usually knew what factory they worked at from the color smoke it was billowing couldn’t find their way to work.

Beijing’s air pollution actually went beyond the measuring index last week. It was so bad that doctors had trouble reading chest X-Rays right in front of their face.

Britney Spears has reportedly called off her engagement to Jason Trawick, her former agent. Apparently she feels better about giving him 15% now than the 50% he would be asking for in a divorce.

Britney Spears has reportedly called off her engagement to Jason Trawick, her former agent. Apparently she was mad that all the wedding singers he was trying to book for the ceremony were better than her.

Britney Spears has reportedly called off her engagement to Jason Trawick, her former agent. Apparently that now makes him the ex-factor.

A Sony executive says that “Zero Dark Thirty” doesn’t advocate torture. If any Sony movie does, it is making people watch Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill”.

A new book says that Tom Cruise believes he is on the planet to fight aliens. Which is exactly the same platform that Mitt Romney was running on.

A new book says that Tom Cruise has signed a billion year contract with the Church of Scientology. Although apparently the Scientologists have been looking for an out ever since “Vanilla Sky” came out.

Miss South Carolina is defending Brent Musberger’s right to comment on the looks of Miss Alabama. Apparently she is just glad she doesn’t have to worry about South Carolina getting to the BCS Championship Game anytime soon.

Dozens of fans were arrested and 92 were ejected in the San Francisco 49ers win over the Green Bay Packers. Hey, Raiders fans have to watch someone play in the post season.

Scientists say they have discovered the largest structure in the universe. Amazingly enough, it is a galaxy and not a sign saying “Trump”.

A NASA flight director and his family lived for 30 days on Mars time. He says the hardest part was the eight month daily commute.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NFL playoffs are winding down. Or as we Raiders fans know that, closing in on baseball season. I know you’re out there. Make sure you let me know it by sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Jim! Great stuff as always. I was curious, where do you get your headlines? Is there a specific website you go to?