Friday, January 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Major League Baseball says it will introduce tougher testing for Performance Enhancing Drugs. Which is big news if you are still living in 1996.

Major League Baseball says it will introduce tougher testing for Performance Enhancing Drugs. Which means that the Hall of Fame can finally start thinking of getting some new inductees in another fifteen or twenty years.

Donald Rumsfeld has signed a seven figure deal for a book about his “rules”. His number one rule now is not to leave the U.S. or risk being prosecuted for all his war crimes.

Donald Rumsfeld has signed a seven figure deal for a book about his “rules”. Advance word is the chapter about the rules for following international law for war is just a bunch of blank pages.

A Delaware hospice has laid off 52 people. How bad is our health care system that even when you go to die you can’t get any service?

Rolls Royce reported a record year of car sales. Which shows the ultra rich really are the job creators. There are now several hundred new openings for chauffeurs.

A report says the Feds miss 39% of illegal aliens coming across our borders. Americans were shocked. Where are people coming from that they think things will be better here?

A report says the Feds miss 39% of illegal aliens coming across our borders. Apparently they figure it will just be a matter of time before they see what it’s like here and race back across the border on their own anyway.

The Los Angeles City Council is considering a tax to fix potholes. Which seems unnecessary since with freeway traffic always bumper to bumper under 10 mph it’s not like you can’t see them coming and drive around them.

The Los Angeles City Council is considering a tax to fix potholes. Fortunately they don’t need money to fix all the city’s bullet holes since they are small enough that you have to be pretty close to see them all.

A study says half the world’s food goes to waste. If you think about it, all the world’s food eventually ends up as waste.

A study says half the world’s food goes to waste. At least that’s one issue where Americans definitely aren’t a part of the problem.

President Obama has approved a measure providing for lifetime Secret Security protection for former Presidents. Which has agents dreading being assigned to Jimmy Carter to be stuck just watching him pound nails all day.

A large gator like reptile was found guarding a marijuana stash in California. The hardest part for the owner was convincing the neighbors it was just a dog with a skin problem when he took it out for a walk at night.

American Express will be cutting 5,400 jobs. They broke the news to employees by telling them “Don’t leave home. Period.”

A survey says the wealthy spoil their children, even if they don’t intend to. Like giving them that trip away form home their other friends can’t afford. College.

A survey says the wealthy spoil their children, even if they don’t intend to. Although they are finding it isn’t cheap providing a child with all they things they need to keep up with their rich friends: A car, the latest fashions, a lawyer.

Automakers are developing new technologies that can be operated with a wave of the hand. Remember when driving used to only require the occasional wave of one finger?

Airlines set a record for the lowest rate of lost or delayed baggage in November. Of course, that was for all the baggage that was on flights in September.

Airlines set a record for the lowest rate of lost or delayed baggage in November. Mostly because the airlines treat baggage with more care now that it costs people more to check it in than they paid for their own ticket.

A poll says that fewer people see a conflict between the rich and the poor since 2011. Mostly because so many people who were rich in 2011 are now poor.

A major flu outbreak is threatening to slow down the U.S. economy even more. Apparently it’s so bad that millions of people would be calling in sick to work if they still had their jobs.

Sleeping pill makers have cut the dose of several of their products in half for women. Apparently women only need four hours of sleep now so they can take care of the kids, clean the house, cook and go to their two jobs.

A report says that 60% of the cigarettes sold in New York are smuggled. The next item that will make a fortune for smugglers there are large soft drink cups.

A report says that 60% of the cigarettes sold in New York are smuggled. Apparently they are getting away with it by giving a free carton when you buy a pirated movie.

A report says that 60% of the cigarettes sold in New York are smuggled. One way to tell they aren’t legitimate is when you see that Joe Camel is actually a llama.

A report says that 60% of the cigarettes sold in New York are smuggled. A successful smuggler has more butts in his trunk than a Chevy coming in across the Mexican Border.

NASA says an asteroid is no longer a threat to smash into Earth in 2036. And if anyone knows about the chances of missing a target, it’s NASA.

GQ has named Beyonce as the Hottest Woman of the 21st Century. The only problem is that she will be 118 when she picks up the award in 2099.

GQ has named Beyonce as the Hottest Woman of the 21st Century. The Hottest Woman of the 25th Century is still Jane Jetson. 

Justin Bieber is being sued by an ex-bodyguard for assault and back wages. He claims he was hit several times by Bieber during an argument. How good of a bodyguard are you if you can get beat up by Justin Bieber?

Megan Fox has quit tweeting on Twitter after just one week. Apparently it was too difficult to come up with individual thoughts that could fill up 140 characters.

Destiny’s Child is getting back together for the first time in eight years to release a new song and a compilation CD. Or as Beyonce calls working with her former bandmates, “charity”.

A report says that Britney Spears is leaving “The X Factor” after one season. Apparently the show’s producers were tired of her asking the contestants for advice on how to sing better.

Meredith Vieira is leaving “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” after 11 seasons. Of course, the only one on the show who actually gets to be a millionaire is the host.

A “drinking mirror” app available for cellphones shows people how alcohol will age them over time. Apparently for women it pops up a picture of Courtney Love and for men it’s Mickey Rourke.

IBM is the top patent producer in the U.S. for each of the past 20 years. The only problem is that the patents are for IBM products which no one has used since 1988.

A report says that Apple executives are dismissing the idea of a cheaper iPhone. The iPhone already is cheaper, it’s just that Apple has made the selling price higher out of habit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure you tell all your friends about this blog. Especially the friends you don’t want as friends anymore. I will always be your friend as long as you keep sending the love!

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