Thursday, January 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Virginia hospital-goers are being warned to wear masks to avoid catching the flu. Usually people only wear masks in hospitals so they won’t be recognized when it comes time to hand out the medical bills.

For the first time since 1996, no one was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. To which people have started asking “Can we do that in Congressional elections, too?”

Bill Clinton was named Father of the Year by the National Father’s Day Council. To which he said “Does this involve another paternity test?”

Bill Clinton was named Father of the Year by the National Father’s Day Council. To which Shawn Kemp says “It’s easy to be Father of the Year with one child. Let’s see how he does with 11.”

Bill Clinton was named Father of the Year by the National Father’s Day Council. No one is holding their breath on when he will win Husband of the Year.

“American Idol” executives deny that on set feuds are not “genuine”. Which would make that the only thing about the show that is actually genuine.

The Venezuelan Supreme Court says the inauguration of President Hugo Chavez can be delayed.To which Republicans in the U.S. are asking “They can do that?”

The U.S. Supreme Court has signaled that blood tests are protected by the 4th Amendment. Although some gun lovers feel every right they have is protected by the 2nd Amendment.

The U.S. Supreme Court has signaled that blood tests are protected by the 4th Amendment. Apparently the only government entity that can get blood on demand is the IRS.

Boeing says its Dreamliner jets are “100% safe to fly” after three recent safety incidents. The flying is no problem. It’s the takeoffs and landings where things get a little dicey.

Boeing says its Dreamliner jets are “100% safe to fly” after three recent safety incidents. People aren’t worried about the planes. The scariest part of flying is still getting through the TSA security checks.

An 1865 baseball card is expected to be sold at auction for six figures. The card is considered valuable since it is rare, in good condition and one of the players is Jamie Moyer.

Facebook stock hit a six month high ahead of a scheduled “mysterious event”. Apparently the only mysterious event is anything that makes Facebook stock go up.

Automakers are looking for ways to curb drowsy driving. One idea is to eliminate any channels off the FM radio that play Kenny G music.

Automakers are looking for ways to curb drowsy driving. Although researchers have found that it’s actually safer when people are sleeping behind the wheel than when they are awake and texting.

Major League Baseball is replacing the phones from the dugout to the bullpen with cellphones. Which is good for the Mets since the new phones can be set on speed dial.

Major League Baseball is replacing the phones from the dugout to the bullpen with cellphones. Which makes it easier for the Cubs manager who can just text “Help!”

Presumed Treasury Secretary candidate Jack Lew may change his loopy signature that would go on dollar bills if is he is nominated and confirmed. Apparently he will just change it to an “X” so that no one knows he is in charge of printing all the worthless U.S. currency.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is part of a group trying to buy the Sacramento Kings for $500 Million and move them to Seattle. Apparently the team has been priced to sell ever since they started doing worse than both the Clippers and the Lakers.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is part of a group trying to buy the Sacramento Kings for $500 Million and move them to Seattle. The team is doing so badly they were ready to be relocated anyway as part of the Witness Protection Program.

AIG has decided not to join a lawsuit it had been considering against the federal government for bailing them out. Apparently AIG stands for “Absolute, Incredible Gall”.

AIG has decided not to join a lawsuit it had been considering against the federal government for bailing them out. In a related story, millions of children dropped their pending lawsuit against Santa Claus.

The French Champagne industry is mad at the Obama Administration for serving what is called “California Champagne” at the Inauguration festivities. The White House says if the French can call their troops an “army”, they can call the bubbly anything they want.

Hilda Solis has resigned as the Secretary of Labor. Apparently with unemployment hovering around 8% there just aren’t enough people working to give her anything to do.

A study says that diet drinks are linked to depression. Especially when the people guzzle down all those tasteless sodas and are still hopelessly obese.

A study says that Americans under 50 die earlier and are in poorer health than in other wealthy countries. To which researchers are saying it isn’t fair to compare the U.S. to wealthy countries.

A study says that Americans under 50 die earlier and are in poorer health than in other wealthy countries. Remember when 50 was considered middle age instead of elderly?

A study says that Americans under 50 die earlier and are in poorer health than in other wealthy countries. Of course, poor health has nothing to do with the ones who die younger. Those are the ones who like to text while driving.

A report says that fresh fruit is the number one snack in America. There is something for anyone who has ever needed proof that polls can’t be trusted.

A report says that fresh fruit is the number one snack in America. Apparently people feel it is the perfect follow up to a cheeseburger, three slices of pizza and an order of fries.

A report says that stress and chaos older patients experience in hospitals may make them prone to another illness which puts them back in the hospital. Mostly when they go into shock after getting their hospital bill.

A study says that 1 in 25 teenagers attempt suicide. Mostly the ones who realize that their family is more screwed up than the people on “Jersey Shore” and “Honey Boo Boo”.

Lindsay Lohan is being accused of stealing a bracelet belonging to Elizabeth Taylor’s nurse. In fact, the only thing Lohan has never been accused of stealing is a scene.

FM radio will soon be available over cellphones with Sprint. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s FM radio?”

The Weather Channel is starting a series called “Deadliest Space Weather”. Just don’t bend over in front of the set when they say they are sending a probe to Uranus. (Yes, old, juvenile and dumb. But always funny!)

The Weather Channel is starting a series called “Deadliest Space Weather”. Just what we need. A vehicle for Al Gore to start warning about global warming on other planets.

Golfer Annika Sorenstam cut off the tip of her finger in a kitchen accident. She looked at the other fingers on her hand and yelled “Four!”

Golfer Annika Sorenstam cut off the tip of her finger in a kitchen accident. She says she never could get rid of that wicked slice.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has introduced a new line of headphones. Apparently they are guaranteed to stay on your head even when you get drunk enough to fall down a flight of stairs.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has introduced a new line of headphones. Apparently she misunderstood people wanting headphones to drown out the sound when “Jersey Shore” was on.

A study says that ancient Mexicans at Teotihuacan were exhumed and painted with cosmetics during remembrance rituals. Sort of like Cher and Joan Rivers at an awards ceremony.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So, did we go over the fiscal cliff or not? I know I personally did back in 2003. But who needs money? I can get by as long as you remember to send the love!

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