Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Alright, here we go...My first joke of the New Year:

Birmingham, England is considering naming their airport after Ozzy Osbourne. His song “Crazy Train” has already been the inspiration for another transit system. Amtrak.

Maybe I should just stop right there.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s child, although she is still married to Kris Humphries. Her life is changing from reality show to soap opera.

Concord, New Hampshire is banning single serving plastic water bottles. Mostly because in New Hampshire you can’t get any water out of a bottle nine months of the year because it’s frozen inside.

A Craigslist sperm donor has been ordered to pay child support to the lesbian couple for whom he fathered a child. Now his status has changed from “sperm donor” to just “donor”.

A Craigslist sperm donor has been ordered to pay child support to the lesbian couple for whom he fathered a child. When are these lesbian couples going to leave David Crosby alone?

AAA says the price of gasoline averaged $3.60 a gallon at the pump in 2012, a new record. AAA says the price was up due to hurricanes, refinery outages and tensions in the Middle East. Oh, yes and the incredible greed of oil company executives.

New York City reported tourist visits hit a record 52 Million in 2012. Mostly because to make it sound better, New York is now reclassifying the homeless as “tourists”.

Parking meters in downtown Chicago have gone up to $6.50 an hour. Which means people are spending at least half of that hour just putting all the quarters in.

Parking meters in downtown Chicago have gone up to $6.50 an hour. The irony is that parking at a meter for eight hours a day for a month comes out to more than the average car payment.

Parking meters in downtown Chicago have gone up to $6.50 an hour. It would be cheaper to just pay someone to drive your car around the block for eight hours until you are done with work.

Parking meters in downtown Chicago have gone up to $6.50 an hour. Which for homeless people living in their cars is a good deal since it’s a lot cheaper than trying to rent downtown.

A group says that the use of torture by authorities in Mexico in increasing. Their chosen method of torture involves water. Not water boarding. Instead, they make the suspects drink the water.

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says the Supreme Court will hold down spending by 3.7% this year, asking for a budget of $75 Million. Just how much does it cost to have nine robes dry cleaned?

U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts says the Supreme Court will hold down spending by 3.7% this year, asking for a budget of $75 Million. Apparently the Court’s biggest expense is for Sharpie pens for Justice Scalia to blot out the parts of the Constitution he doesn’t like.

UK police say that attackers who beat a man were dressed as Oompa Loompas. They are described as having orange skin and green hair. A warrant was immediately issued for Nicki Minaj.

Masked gunmen robbed an Apple Store in Paris of $1 Million in gadgets. Apparently they got away with three iPads, an iPhone and two iPods.

A Connecticut man was arrested for putting a video camera inside a church restroom. Apparently he misunderstood when he was told to put it in the pew.

France says that 1,193 cars were torched on New Year’s Eve. Fortunately, they were Citroens, Peugeots and Renaults and were’t drivable anyway.

A study says that overweight people have a lower risk of death than people of normal weight. Especially when they fall on them.

A study says that overweight people have a lower risk of death than people of normal weight. But only if you are talking about supermodels.

The Senate’s proposed budget deal would raise taxes on 77% of U.S. households. Which isn’t that bad since only 15% of the U.S. is actually living in a household.

The Ford Focus is the top selling car in the world for 2012. Apparently people like that it gets good mileage and has enough room to comfortably sleep a family of four.

A study at the University of Scranton says that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s resolutions. The number one resolution at the university was to get out of Scranton.

A study at the University of Scranton says that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s resolutions. The other 92% drop out of their gym membership before the Christmas tree comes down.

Researchers say that blinking actually allows the brain to rest. That means having an eye twitch at work could get you in trouble for sleeping on the job.

Researchers say that blinking actually allows the brain to rest. So someone who winks a lot is cheating themselves out of half the sleep they need during the day.

Nevada is proposing a 24 hour mental health center. Which means that people can go get mental health at 3:00 in the morning right after they go to the dentist and do some furniture shopping.

Nevada is proposing a 24 hour mental health center. Which is nice for people who just lost their house and car at the roulette wheel at 4:00 in the morning.

A study says that men drink more than women, but women drink faster. Mostly to get as many drinks as possible out of the men buying for them before they run out of money.

A study says that depression could be an early sign of dementia. Which is good because then the people can forget what they were depressed about.

A pediatrician’s group says that recess is “crucial” for school kids. Mostly to give them at least a few minutes a day at school where they aren’t completely confused about what they are supposed to be learning in the classroom.

A pediatrician’s group says that recess is “crucial” for school kids. Especially for bullies who can take out the frustrations of the classroom on the kids they torture on the playground.

A study says that cosmic radiation could cause Alzheimer’s Disease in Mars astronauts. Which could be a real problem when they forget where they parked the rocket for the ride home.

A study says that changes in the color of generic medicines could make people stop taking them. So apparently doctors need to stop talking to patients about what the medicine does and the proper dosage and just ask what their favorite color is.

A study says that antidepressants used during pregnancy can be safe. Although they tell women they will want to increase the dosage by double or triple once the baby is born.

“Teen Mom 2” newlywed Jenelle Evans has left her husband after 26 days. Apparently now the goal of every reality show star is to beat Kim Kardashian’s record of 72 days before filing for divorce.

Lady Gaga will offer free counseling on her tour. Like financial consultants who are asking kids why they are shelling out money to see Lady Gaga?

Lady Gaga will offer free counseling on her tour. Although most people will agree the person who really needs counseling is the one who wears a meat dress on stage.

Hugh Hefner married Crystal Harris on New Year’s Eve. Apparently she lost the bet that he wouldn’t make it all the way through 2012.

Hugh Hefner married Crystal Harris on New Year’s Eve. He was 60 when she was born. Which is nice because it means he got his mid-life crisis out of the way by the time she was two.

Kim Kardashian says that being pregnant is not as easy as people think. Although making millions of dollars for letting cameras roll on your dysfunctional family is way easier than most people would think.

Kim Kardashian says that being pregnant is not as easy as people think. Wait until she finds out she just can’t back out of the deal after 72 days.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The first blog posting for the New Year of 2013. Make sure you tell all your friends to read it every day. I came in a bit short of last year’s goal of 7 Billion daily readers, but I’m not giving up yet. At the very least make sure to remember to always send the love!

1 comment:

DH said...

Great start to the jokes! Can't wait to see what else you come up with this year