Sunday, December 09, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Panic buying for survival essentials is taking place in Russia, China and the U.S. in advance of December 21st, the date of the Mayan prophesy of the end of the world. Forget the Mayans. The real sign of the end of the world is Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber becoming major stars.

Panic buying for survival essentials is taking place in Russia, China and the U.S. in advance of December 21st, the date of the Mayan prophesy of the end of the world. Forget the Mayans. How much worse could things get than  what the banking industry has already done to us?

Panic buying for survival essentials is taking place in Russia, China and the U.S. in advance of December 21st, the date of the Mayan prophesy of the end of the world. Or as Clippers fans call it, “basketball season”.

A travel website has listed the most annoying habits of airline travelers according to employees. They include snapping their fingers to get flight attendants’s attention, overloading the overhead compartment and expecting to ever see their luggage again.

The USDA will allow more meat and grains to be used in school lunches. Schools are good with the idea, as long as they don’t actually have to label what type of “meat” is being used.

The USDA will allow more meat and grains to be used in school lunches as many kids are skipping lunch because they don’t like the food. Just by looking at most kids, is there really a need to try to get them to eat even more food every day?

New technology will allow text messages to be sent to people wearing special contact lenses. Which is ironic since while the person is reading the texts while driving, they will soon come in contact with a tree, car or pedestrian.

$100,000 worth of jewelry was taken from the home of Republican Congressman Darrell Issa. Apparently he was most upset about losing the BFF ring he bought with Grover Norquist.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack says that rural America is becoming “less relevant”. Apparently they never regained the influence they commanded in the 1960s when the top TV shows were “Green Acres”, “Petticoat Junction” and “The Andy Griffith Show”.

In China, 700 mountains are reportedly going to be flattened to build a new city. Chinese environmentalists were shocked. They were so upset, they all signed a letter and sent it straight to their warden.

A study says that gossip makes up 90% of workplace conversation. The other 10% is sexual harassment.

A study says that gossip makes up 90% of workplace conversation. Mostly about who is going to be laid off for not doing any work because they are gossiping all day.

A study says that gossip makes up 90% of workplace conversation. And that’s just at the morning staff meeting.

Scientists have used a 3D printer to make biological machine like inchworms that can move. They also were able to make realistic three dimensional pictures of their butts.

A rotting whale carcass on Malibu Beach will be left to mother nature to take care of. Authorities would have done something about it sooner, but everyone at first thought it was just Kirstie Alley sunbathing.

The Stanford MBA program is now the most expensive in the world, costing $185,000. Which means after becoming a corporate CEO, it will take a graduate as long as three days to pay off.

The Stanford MBA program is now the most expensive in the world, costing $185,000. Most of that is business law classes that show graduates how to make a fortune in the business world while managing to stay out of prison.

The City of Detroit is slashing jobs as rumors of bankruptcy build. Economists were shocked. How has Detroit managed to stay out of bankruptcy this long?

The City of Detroit is slashing jobs as rumors of bankruptcy build. Things are so bad, the city is asking the Detroit Lions for advice on how to stay solvent.

Three former IndyMac executives were ordered to pay the FDIC $169 Million over the collapse of the California lender. That means all three will be forced to give up last year’s Christmas bonus along with a week’s full salary.

House Speaker John Boehner is backing off his support of the idea of raising the income tax rate on the wealthiest Americans. Apparently he doesn’t feel it is fair since the wealthiest Americans are the only ones who have an income to pay taxes on.

Dr. Phil’s stolen 1957 Chevy has been recovered in Los Angeles. Dr. Phil has a special feeling for the year 1957 since that was the last year he actually had any hair.

Dr. Phil’s stolen 1957 Chevy has been recovered in Los Angeles. The thieves will all spend a few years in prison since their only other option for punishment was to watch Dr. Phil’s show every day for a month.

Tiger Woods has dropped to third place on the highest paid athletes list behind boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. Although neither of those two boxers have never had to go up against an angry wife wielding a 9 iron.

The nation’s unemployment rate is at its lowest in four years. In fact many people have two jobs. The one they are currently working at, and spending the rest of their time looking for work that actually pays a decent wage.

A group in Chicago is helping mentally ill people find solace through writing. Apparently the got the idea after reading all of Truman Capote’s works.

A group claims the media is not showing enough positive female characters or relationships. Apparently they came to their conclusion after watching a few episodes of “Keeping up With The Kardashians”.

A group claims the media is not showing enough positive female characters or relationships. Mostly because every news and entertainment shows are full of stories about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

A study says that memory of a recent hearty meal can make people feel full. For most people the most recent memory of a hearty meal is breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A study says that talk therapy may help people with depression who didn’t respond to drugs. Of course, the depression gets much worse when they get the bill from their therapist.

A study says that drinking alcohol can reduce brain cell creation in adults by up to 40%. Which explains how Charlie Sheen was able to get himself fired from “Two and a Half Men”.

A study says that an optimistic attitude can be the secret to successful aging. The only problem is staying optimistic when you know you aren’t going to get any younger.

A study says that an optimistic attitude can be the secret to successful aging. Especially knowing that you went to college when it didn’t cost more than buying a house.

A study says that drinking beer can fight the cold carrying virus. Which now gives men the argument that watching football on the couch all day Sunday is a way to stay healthy.

A study says that exposure to bright light at night can cause depression. Especially when it is the lights from the police car when you are being pulled over for drunk driving.

The Chicago company that makes the Oscar statuettes is laying off 100 people. Apparently this year’s films were so bad the company thought that the Academy would decide not to hand out any awards.

The Chicago company that makes the Oscar statuettes is laying off 100 people. The worst part is that the company’s owner made the announcement by opening an envelop and reading off the names of the people who still had jobs.

The autopsy of Notorious B.I.G. has been made public after 15 years following his death. Apparently it took a decade and a half for the forensics team to figure out that it must have been all those bullets that killed him.

Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel became the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy. Apparently the voters realized that all of the good college football players have already turned pro before their second year.

A Nielsen survey says that social media is sucking up most of people’s time. Apparently people on Facebook have to spend hours explaining all the drunk and naked pictures and write apologies for trashing all their friends.

A Nielsen survey says that social media is sucking up most of people’s time. What else is there to do when you don’t have a job and don’t want to go into debt for the rest of your life to go to college?

The FAA will review the ban of electronic devices on planes. The airlines are against it because they are afraid everyone will start immediately posting on Facebook about how bad an experience they are having on the flight.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 16 more days until Christmas. Then another 365 to finally pay off all the bills. All I am asking this year is that you keep remembering to occasionally send the love!

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