Friday, December 07, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Marines are expanding the use of meditation training for soldiers to deal with the stress of war. Apparently the Marines approved its use just as long as everyone uses “Semper Fi” as their mantra.

S&P has downgraded the world’s oldest bank in Italy to junk status. The bank’s loan assets have fallen to three goats and two chickens.

A survey says that Detroit is the most dangerous city for gays to visit. Mostly because there are few bed and breakfasts and hardly any Pottery Barns to be found.

A survey says that Detroit is the most dangerous city for gays to visit. Or straight people. Or whites. Or Blacks. Or Hispanics. Or people who watch TV. Or people who like the color blue...

Scientists have developed a coconut flavored pineapple. Or for people who like the taste of coconut, there is always the coconut.

Scientists have developed a coconut flavored pineapple. How about something useful next time, like ice cream flavored broccoli?

A study says that dogs can sniff out lung cancer. So all those Oncologists spent all that time in medical school, and the latest scientific equipment and all they really had to do was make a trip to the local pound.

A study says that dogs can sniff out lung cancer. Apparently all they really do is just sniff out the people who have cigarettes in their pocket or purse and make the assumption from there.

A study says that dogs can sniff out lung cancer. The only annoying part is that like any other diagnosis, the dog sniffs it out by jamming their nose into the patient’s crotch.

High income Californians may be paying the nation’s highest total taxes of 52%. Apparently the rate will climb that high for the wealthy if the legislature approves a tax on all plastic surgery.

A report says that NASA could lose their leadership position in space exploration to other nations. Apparently the study says we can never really claim leadership in the cosmos as long as our astronauts are still wearing space diapers. 

The Chinese writer who won the Nobel Prize for Literature says censorship is a must. But only if you still want to have hands to write with.

Macy’s stores will be open for 48 straight hours on December 21st-23rd. It will be just like Wal-Mart without having to look at customers wearing stretch pants three sizes too small.

A study says a crowded Emergency Room can raise the chance by 5% that a patient there will die in the hospital. Especially if the ER is full of people who have just contracted Ebola.

A study says a crowded Emergency Room can raise the chance by 5% that a patient there will die in the hospital. Unless the patient has no medical insurance which means it raises their chance 100% they will die out on the sidewalk.

Inmates at San Quentin Prison are building satellite hardware for NASA. They are also training American astronauts how to build a shiv from their backpack frame if those Russian astronauts on the International Space Station try to start something.

A report says that Americans’ household wealth went up $1.7 Trillion in the third quarter. Mostly from people filing for bankruptcy in order to keep their home from going into foreclosure.

A report says that Americans’ household wealth went up $1.7 Trillion in the third quarter. Mostly from all the goods they shoplifted while pretending to be doing their holiday shopping at the mall.

Data from the Department of Labor Statistics says that men averaged 16 minutes of housework a day in 2011. Most of that amounted to staying out of the way while their wife was vacuuming.

Data from the Department of Labor Statistics says that men averaged 16 minutes of housework a day in 2011. Although most of that was preparing a whole afternoon of snacks and wiping off the big screen TV in time for the football games on Sunday.

Apple says more of its computers will be made in the U.S. The only problem is figuring out how to get all those Chinese nationals into the States so they can actually still do the work for $3 a month.

Apple says more of its computers will be made in the U.S. Which means that Apple can still have someone assemble three computers here without breaking their promise.

Trenton, New Jersey Mayor Tony Mack has been indicted for bribery. People were shocked. He was the first New Jersey Mayor in years to be indicted who didn’t have a nickname that appeared in quotations between his first and last name.

Trenton, New Jersey Mayor Tony Mack has been indicted for bribery. Officials became suspicious when the swearing in was performed by a union boss who finished the ceremony by handing him a paper bag and saying “And here’s a little something for you.”

A survey says that credit card debt is people’s top worry. The people who are even more worried are the ones who borrowed from those payday loan companies and now are getting visits from guys named Lenny and Vito.

Lisa Welchel’s brother says she “hit rock bottom” during the show “Survivor”. Hollywood experts were stunned. How could it have ever gotten any lower than “Facts of Life”?

Anderson Cooper says he never washes his jeans. Apparently after that bleach accident with his hair he is afraid to go near any laundry room products.

Stephen Baldwin is being charged with failing to pay $350,000 in taxes. Hollywood experts were shocked. How did Stephen Baldwin ever make enough money to owe $350,000 in taxes?

Stephen Baldwin is being charged with failing to pay $350,000 in taxes. He could face up to four years in prison. Although his attorneys are not worried. If they didn’t put him away for life for his performance in “Viva Rock Vegas”, this won’t even result in community service.

Daniel Day Lewis reportedly would only answer to “Mr. President” on the set of “Lincoln”. Which is exactly what Dick Cheney would only answer to when he was in the White House.

Lindsay Lohan says her unpaid tax bill of $233,000 “wasn’t her fault”. That’s what happens when you hire Wesley Snipes to be your tax accountant.

Lindsay Lohan says her unpaid tax bill of $233,000 “wasn’t her fault”. This one was close. If that tax bill wasn’t paid off, the judge said she was going to have to spend a full hour behind bars this time.

Lindsay Lohan says her unpaid tax bill of $233,000 “wasn’t her fault”. After reading her reviews for “Liz and Dick” she had no idea she actually got paid to do the movie.

Dan Aykroyd says they can’t any longer to make ”Ghostbusters 3”. Aykroyd, Bill Murray and Harold Ramis are already so old that the will have to be cast as the ghosts everyone is chasing.

Don Larsen has auctioned off the uniform he wore while pitching the only World Series perfect game for $756,000. He says the game was easy, like a post season game where you pitched to Alex Rodriguez 27 straight times.

Don Larsen has auctioned off the uniform he wore while pitching the only World Series perfect game for $756,000. Or as today’s players call $756,000, the fourth inning.

Two caddies got into a fight at the Australian Open golf tournament. Apparently one kept finding loose change on the greens which turned out to be the other golfer’s ball marker.

Two caddies got into a fight at the Australian Open golf tournament. Apparently one of them found Tiger Woods’ little black book and refused to share the phone numbers with the other.

A report says that 3/4 of NFL players own a gun. Although that number includes all the players for Green Bay, Denver and Dallas where they actually just use them for hunting.

A report says that 3/4 of NFL players own a gun. For any of the 1/4 who don’t, Plaxico Burress says he has one for sale cheap that was only fired once.

Dennis Rodman has been ordered to pay a half million dollars in back child support. Rodman was driven to tears knowing that to raise the money he may have to auction off his wedding dress.

The NFL is considering ending kickoffs. Which doesn’t even matter in Cleveland since they only kick once a game, either at the beginning of the game or the start of the second half.

A report says November video game sales were down 11%. Which is good news for the economy because it means 11% of children living in their parents’ basement were finally able to get enough money together to move out.

Online game maker Zynga is applying for a license from the Nevada Gaming Commission. Which sounds like they are going to start a poker tournament where people bet with the property they still have from Farmville.

Researchers say they have now found seven planets in the galaxy that are possibly habitable. Just not this one.

A private firm is planning trips to the Moon by 2020 that will cost $1.5 Billion. So far that doesn’t even include the $50 per bag luggage charge or $8 headphone expense.

Michigan Republicans have approved right to work legislation in the state. Now the legislature is working on how to get any jobs into the state that people will be able to use that right.

The 2012 presidential election cost a record $2 Billion, a new record. Or as the candidates call it, a stimulus bill for media, security agents and speechwriters.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am done with all my Christmas shopping. I haven’t bought anything, I mean I am just done. No more presents., Bah, Humbug! But then, all I ever ask for is to have you all send me the love!

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