Thursday, December 06, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Some historians are objecting to the amount of profanity in the movie “Lincoln”. They should just be glad Steven Spielberg didn’t call for any nude scenes from Daniel Day-Lewis or Sally Field.

Robbers have been terrorizing Detroit gas stations with AK-47s. Apparently it’s payback for gas stations terrorizing everyone else with $4 a gallon gasoline.

Bessie Cooper, the world’s oldest person has died at age 116 in Georgia. She was so old she actually remembered when some Democrats lived in her state.

Bessie Cooper, the world’s oldest person has died at age 116 in Georgia. She was so old, she actually remembered when Congress actually passed a balanced budget.

China has banned red carpets, pomp and “empty speeches” from politicians. Which Congress immediately condemned as typical of the country’s attack on basic human rights.

The National Hurricane Center is modifying its definition of Hurricane Warnings in the wake of Sandy. There are now Hurricane Watches, Hurricane Warnings and “Run for your life!”

A survey says that 16% of online shopping is done on the toilet. Which explains all the crap that everyone keeps giving you.

A survey says that 16% of online shopping is done on the toilet. Remember when the toilet wasn’t connected online, just to the sewer line?

Two Russian men are suspected of killing and eating their friend after being lost for three months in Siberia on a fishing trip. Apparently neither of the two men had much of an appetite for fish.

Two Russian men are suspected of killing and eating their friend after being lost for three months in Siberia on a fishing trip. Ironically, their friend’s name was “Captain D”.

A judge has ordered a Wisconsin man who has had nine children with six different women to stop procreating. People were shocked. What is Kevin Federline doing in Wisconsin?

Blockbuster is said to begin selling phones at its stores. Apparently the phones can be used to see if there are still any Blockbusters still open within a hundred miles of where you live.

Blockbuster is said to begin selling phones at its stores. When you are ready to return the video you rented, you can call ahead to see if the store is still in business.

A report says the Arctic is becoming a much warmer and greener place. Although it’s still hard to find a good restaurant that serves anything besides Polar Bear and Seal with a side of tundra.

A United Airlines Dreamliner made an emergency landing at an airport in New Orleans. The only snag was when the flight attendants insisted that passengers pay the $15 slide fee before getting to escape down the emergency chute.

Citigroup says it will lay off 11,000 employees. Apparently they feel they don’t need quite that many employees to take care of the three mortgages and seven bank account customers who are still solvent.

Burger King is testing the idea of home delivery of their food. That changes the meaning of “Whopper” to now refer to the backside of the couch potato who can’t even drive down the street to pick up their own order.

Burger King is testing the idea of home delivery of their food. They have a guarantee that the order will clog your arteries in 30 minutes or less.

Starbucks is offering a metal gift card that sells for $450. The card can pay for as many as two large mocha lattes.

A rare Breguet clock has sold for a record $6.8 Million. Proving once again that time is money.

A rare Breguet clock has sold for a record $6.8 Million. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a clock?”

The world’s tallest woman at 7’ 7” has died at age 39 in China. Apparently she suffered a stroke after banging her head into every doorway in town.

Researchers say that older people are susceptible to scammers because their brains don’t respond to visual clues as to who is trustworthy or not. Which explains why so many seniors are registered Republicans.

A report says that synthetic pot is responsible for 11,000 Emergency Room visits each year. While real marijuana is responsible for several million visits to Pizza Hut and Mrs. Field’s Cookies.

Scientists say that a new breath test may help detect colorectal cancer. If they can detect problems with your colon through your breath, it’s probably also a good idea to start gargling a bit more often.

A study says that smoking while drinking can make for a worse hangover. Especially when the person smoking is repeatedly hit over the head by militant non-smokers all night.

A study says that parents are less likely to die prematurely. Mostly because they know they need to live several decades after their kids are out of the house just to pay off the college tuition bills.

A study says that parents are less likely to die prematurely. Mostly so they can get revenge when they make their kids’ lives miserable when they come to visit over the holidays.

Kobe Bryant became the youngest person in the NBA to score 30,000 points. And he became the oldest in the league to reach his 7th all time assist.

Pope Benedict XVI has already become the top rated octogenarian on Twitter despite being on only a few days. Mostly because there are only three people over 80 who even know what Twitter is.

The word “lunatic” has been officially removed from all federal law. Which if nothing else saves millions of pages of paper just in the daily transcripts of the Congressional Record.

A study says that one in five American children is living in poverty. The other four realize if they work hard enough, they too can make it up to that level some day.

A federal plan calls for overhauling the country’s secrecy policies. Namely reminding some of the people in Washington, D.C. that we actually do have some in effect.

A rare Rafael drawing sold for a record $48 Million. To which most people under 30 are saying they had no idea any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were artistically inclined.

A study says that a wandering mind can be an indicator of poor health. Did I tell any of you that I have a dog?

A study says that a wandering mind can be an indicator of poor health. Especially when you are thinking about your next trip to Krispy Kreme while your doctor is trying to explain that you are morbidly obese.

A report says that NASA has no real sense of direction. Isn’t the only direction they have ever been concerned with pretty much just “up”?

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you like the jokes I post here each day. It’s a labor of love, which means I do it for free. I would like that to change someday, and one way would be if you would tell all your friends to read it so I get a lot more hits on my blog. You can also sign up to be my Facebook friend and one of these years I will even actually get on Twitter. In the meantime, you can still always score points by keeping up on sending the love!




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