Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Law enforcement agencies are asking wireless providers to store all text messages for two years in case they need them in crime investigations. The only problem is that anyone using AutoSpell is sending messages that even the greatest code breakers can’t figure out.

Doctors say that more mothers and daughters are bonding by going through plastic surgery together. Just last year Cher had a tummy tuck at the same time Chaz had peck implants.

The Chief Research Officer at CBS says we are entering a new golden age of broadcast TV. Keep in mind that during the last golden age of TV, CBS brought us “The Beverly Hillbillies”, “Green Acres” and “Petticoat Junction”.

Huron, South Dakota is considering banning eating while driving. Apparently eating greasy food makes it hard to send out legible text messages with your thumbs slipping all over the keyboard.

Huron, South Dakota is considering banning eating while driving. The only problem is that in Huron, South Dakota what else is there to do while you are driving but eat?

Huron, South Dakota is considering banning eating while driving. How fat are we that the latest form of distracted driving is a mouth full of french fries?

A woman with a rare sexual disorder where she was constantly aroused committed suicide. The sad part is, hanging out with Donald Trump for ten minutes would have gotten rid of that sexual arousal problem forever.

Vogue Editor Anna Wintour is being considered as a possible pick for Ambassador to France or the U.K. Although most people who have worked for her say it would be a much better choice to make her Ambassador to Afghanistan.

Vogue Editor Anna Wintour is being considered as a possible pick for Ambassador to France or the U.K. Apparently the French love her as one of their own since they have never before found someone who can actually make them look polite by comparison.

A study says that 32% of 18-24 year olds engage in social networking while they are on the toilet. The study knew that because 32% of the 18-32 year olds were Tweeting about how they were sitting on the toilet at that moment.

Several students at a New Jersey school sere sickened after drinking a Bob Marley Mellow Mood relaxation drink. Apparently they were so sick they couldn’t even Get Up, Stand Up.

Several students at a New Jersey school sere sickened after drinking a Bob Marley Mellow Mood relaxation drink. Apparently they drank the relaxation drink to offset being whacked out after drinking a can of Red Bull.

A survey says Vienna, Austria has the highest quality of living in the world. Who wouldn’t want to live in a city where those little sausages are served with every meal?

A survey says Vienna, Austria has the highest quality of living in the world, while Baghdad, Iraq came in last. They just assumed Baghdad was the worst since none of the researchers sent there were ever heard from again.

A survey says Vienna, Austria has the highest quality of living in the world, while Baghdad, Iraq came in last. U.S. soldiers are asking why can’t one of the good countries have oil so we can invade them instead?

A survey says Vienna, Austria has the highest quality of living in the world, while Baghdad, Iraq came in last. After hearing the news about Baghdad, Detroit immediately demanded a recount.

President Obama says tax rates could drop as early as 2013. Mostly because people will automatically be paying less income tax when they have no income.

U.S. automakers are on pace for a five year high in sales. Mostly because all the cars they sold five years ago are already worn out and need to be replaced.

The FDIC says that banks’ third quarter profit was the highest in six years. Which isn’t hard to believe since six years ago they were in the middle of bringing down the entire world economy.

A survey says that 91% of companies plan to have a holiday party this year. The other 9% won’t have parties because all their employees will be working at the other companies’ parties to make extra money on the side.

A survey says that 91% of companies plan to have a holiday party this year. The other 9% find it brings down the mood of the festivities when the boss hands out layoff notices right after announcing the Employee of the Year.

Forbes says that Eddie Murphy is the most overpaid actor in Hollywood. The best actor in Hollywood is the transvestite that convinced Murphy he was a woman.

Forbes says that Eddie Murphy is the most overpaid actor in Hollywood. The entertainment world was shocked. Just how far do you have to go to take that title away from Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Researchers say that a person’s nose heats up when they lie. So it would have actually been more accurate that when Pinocchio lied to have his wooden nose catch fire instead of growing.

The American heart Association says that social media may help fight child obesity. Especially when all the kids get on line to bully the fat kids about their size and shame them into losing weight.

Dick Cheney is going to author a book about heart disease. After that he will work on his memoirs that will be called “Remember Me? I Shot You In The Face”.

Dick Cheney is going to author a book about heart disease. The working title is “Two Sizes Too Small”.

North Carolina hospitals are telling employees to get flu shots or be fired. In a related story, Alabama hospitals are telling employees to try to take a bath at least once a month.

Honey Boo Boo has made Barbara Walters’ list of “Most Fascinating People”. If you were stuck hanging around the co-hosts of “The View” all day, you would probably find Honey Boo Boo fascinating, too.

Honey Boo Boo has made Barbara Walters’ list of “Most Fascinating People”. Apparently she just narrowly edged out two Nobel Prize winners, a nuclear physicist and the London Philharmonic.

15 documentaries have made it to the short list for Oscar consideration. Movie experts were shocked. There are still 15 people making documentaries?

The New Orleans Hornets are reportedly changing their name to the Pelicans. Although most fans think a more fitting name would be the Big Easy-To-Beat.

Chicago Cubs Manager Dale Sveum was shot in a hunting accident by Hall of Famer Robin Yount. Yount could either face criminal charges or be nominated for Vice President of the United States.

Macy’s will sell a sweater with an embedded video screen. Which all your friends can play the videos on that they have taken of you wearing a stupid sweater that has a video screen.

A report says that smart phone sales are up 45% in 2012. Mostly to replace the ones that were lost by dumb owners.

A Texas teenager won a $100,000 college scholarship in a national science contest. The only problem is that he won’t be able to graduate high school after being suspended by the Texas School Board for believing in science.

The earliest dinosaur ever to walk the earth has been discovered. It is 240 Million years old and is the size of a Labrador retriever. Although it turns out it was actually just John McCain’s Labrador retriever.

A survey says that 7 in 10 Americans say they are very or moderately religious. Apparently when there is a recession they are moderately religious but that switches to very religious when it becomes a full scale depression.

The Florida Jobs Boss has stepped down after it was discovered he collected unemployment benefits before taking his new job. At least he knows the procedure this time around.

A poll says that Americans would prefer a compromise on the Fiscal Cliff. People need to understand there are only two things the parties in Congress ever agrees on. One is salary increases, the other is more time off.

Ted Nugent says welfare recipients shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Although there are some people who would say a 50 year old man shouldn’t be allowed to wear a loincloth as he swings around on a vine during a rock concert.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has disappeared, taking a secret trip. Everyone in her party is just praying she doesn’t turn up on the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford.

A survey says that Americans are using less of their vacation time from work. Mostly because they know if they get too far behind in their work they will be on permanent unpaid vacation.

A study says that nostalgia may make a person’s body feel warm. Especially when they think back about how it used to feel when they could afford to pay for heating in the winter months.

A study says that French men are not producing as much sperm as they used to. Probably from having to sleep with French women who refuse to shave their legs or armpits.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 20 days left until Christmas. Fortunately it is only 16 days until the end of the world according to the Mayan Calendar so I’m ready to take the chance and just not go shopping. You don’t have to go shopping for me. Just make sure you remember to send the love!

No comments: