Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Chuck Todd of NBC says an aide to President Obama says “With these Republicans, we’d still have slavery.” Apparently the aide has never been inside a Wal-Mart.

Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter. HIs plan to send out Bible quotes at 140 characters per message should keep him busy for about the next 160 years.

Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter. He has already gotten into feuds with the Dalai Lama, several rabbis and Pat Robertson.

Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter. His first Tweet asked his followers what their plans were for the end of the world on December 21st?

Prince William and Kate are expecting their first child. To show how backwards the Royal Family really is, they are the first celebrity couple in years to actually get married before getting pregnant.

Prince William and Kate are expecting their first child. Even though the baby is several months away from being born, it already ranks in popularity to take the throne ahead of Prince Charles.

Prince William and Kate are expecting their first child. The Royal Family can hardly wait to put the first naked baby pictures on the wall next to the naked pictures of Prince Harry.

An Oregon man robbed a bank less than an hour after he was released from jail. If he would have read a newspaper or watched TV news in jail he would have saved himself the trouble of trying to rob the last place you will find any cash these days.

The CDC says the flu season is starting early and could be a bad one. Apparently they have been taking their eye off the ball at the CDC as they also say it could be a bad year for smallpox, polio and rickets.

Doomsday cults are saying a mountaintop in France is the only place that will survive the Apocalypse of December 21st. But then who wants to be in charge of repopulating the planet with a bunch of French people?

A study says that cellphones are eroding personal relationships. Like conducting studies with strangers you have never met over their cellphone.

A study says that cellphones are eroding personal relationships. Especially when sexting photos of yourself to your new boyfriend and then seeing them the next day all over the Internet.

A study says that one in three middle school students use their smartphone for homework. The other two pretty much just never show up.

A study says that one in three middle school students use their smartphone for homework. Mostly by calling their parents and asking them for the answers.

Five states are planning to boost the number of hours students spend at school every day. The only problem is coming up with enough money to pay the armed security guards to keep them from escaping.

Five states are planning to boost the number of hours students spend at school every day.  The other 45 are just happy if students manage to get off the couch and come by the school during lunch hour on pizza day.

A study says that a healthy diet cuts the risk of death for people who are taking heart drugs. The question is, shouldn’t a healthy diet pretty much cut the risk of dying for everyone?

Airlines are reportedly working on new passenger fees to raise even more money on flights. One idea is for $50 the flight attendant will whisper in your ear how to “really” survive a plane crash.

Airlines are reportedly working on new passenger fees to raise even more money on flights. Next year it could cost $7.50 to have the flight attendant say “Buh-bye” when you are getting off the plane.

Airlines are reportedly working on new passenger fees to raise even more money on flights. For $200 they will allow sick passengers to take all their medications on board without throwing them away under the “three ounce rule.”

A study says that price is the most important issue for people shopping for car insurance. Mostly because they know the insurance will never pay off any accidents so they might as well save a little cash up front to put away for repairs.

A study says that price is the most important issue for people shopping for car insurance. It’s pretty much the same study that shows price is the most important issue for people buying anything.

A study says that one in three people watching TV Twitter their friends about the show they are watching. Mostly still trying to figure what the heck all that was that really happened on “Lost”.

A study says that one in three people watching TV Twitter their friends about the show they are watching. The other two are actually watching the show together and turning off their phones to keep all the other losers from Tweeting to them about what is going on.

Chrysler leads the November sales gains for all of Detroit. Apparently people really are buying into that December 21st Mayan Calendar end of the world thing and just don’t care anymore.

Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are halting all home foreclosures for the holiday season. Wouldn’t you know that’s the one time people are willing to give up their house so no relatives can come by and visit.

Auto sales have gone up dramatically in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Mostly because thousands of people from New York and New Jersey saw it as the perfect opportunity to drive their old car into the Hudson River, blame it on the storm and collect the insurance money.

The text message is celebrating its 20th anniversary. The only good thing about texting is that people who do it spare everyone around them from their loud and obnoxious cell phone conversations.

The text message is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Ironically, many kids who text while driving won’t be around to see their 20th.

A study says years of playing contact sports can lead to loss of focus and aggressive behavior. Apparently the study was done with members of the Cincinnati Bengals.

A study links insomnia to trouble breathing. Mostly when you are tossing and turning all night and your partner finally tries to smother you with a pillow.

A study says that only one in seven teenagers with mental disorders are on medication. The other six are diagnosed with pretty much being teenagers.

A study says that some food allergies are linked to pesticides. Ironically, without the pesticides there wouldn’t be the food that they are allergic to.

A study says that treating gum disease can fix some erectile disfunction problems. Although you probably don’t want to be standing around those people while they are brushing their teeth.

A study says that treating gum disease can fix some erectile disfunction problems. Mostly because someone with rotting gums isn’t going to be getting close enough to a woman to become aroused in the first place.

The porn film starring the Octomom is up for four awards from the Adult Film News. The film is called “The Octomom Home Alone”. People had to suspend their disbelief that she could ever be home alone with fourteen kids.

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris are planning on finally going through with their wedding plans. She is 26 and he is 86. She is registered at Tiffany and he is registered at Forest Lawn.

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris are planning on finally going through with their wedding plans. She is 26 and he is 86. It’s considered an “Ice Age-Global Warming” marriage.

Alex Rodriguez is scheduled for surgery in the off season and will start the year on the Disabled List. Why don’t they wait and perform the surgery when he isn’t needed. Like during the playoffs?

A report says that Americans spend a combined 230,000 years of their time on social media each month. Of course, that number would drop dramatically if any of those people actually had a job to go to anymore.

Scientists have discovered a gene that links binge drinking with teenagers. It’s called the “being a teenager” gene.

Qantas Airlines has stopped offering in flight Wi-Fi service. Apparently they got tired of seeing all the passengers order the connection just to make complaints about the airlines’ service to their website during flights.

A study says that 6.5 Million Americans between the ages of 16 and 24 are not in school or working. Mostly because it’s hard to do either one when you are serving out a sentence in the state prison.

A study says that 6.5 Million Americans between the ages of 16 and 24 are not in school or working. To which most of them say, “Like father, like son!”

An educational union is proposing a “bar exam” that incoming teachers will have to pass in order to teach. The test will include self defense techniques, hostage negotiations and riot control.

Scientists say that too much running can hurt the heart. To which millions couch potatoes simultaneously shouted “I knew it!”

Two of Madonna’s original cone bras sold for $77,000. At the same auction three of Cher’s breasts, two of her noses and part of her tummy went for $65,000.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Christmas countdown is on. Not the days left until the holiday, the amount of money I still have in my checking account. But all I need to get me through the holiday madness is for you to keep remembering to send the love!

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