Friday, December 28, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that private sector jobs in Cuba have grown by 23% in the past year. Of course, the only private sector jobs available are prostitution, pimping and panhandling.

A report says that private sector jobs in Cuba have grown by 23% in the past year. Which now means that as many as twelve people there have jobs outside the government.

China is reportedly tightening its control of the Internet. Not to say they keep tabs on everyone, but over there Google tells you what you are looking for.

A Hollywood private investigator says that Whitney Houston was murdered by drug dealers. Even O.J. Simpson is saying "Already been there."

A South Korean woman slapped a TSA agent in Orlando after being patted down before a flight. Apparently she felt if she wanted to be treated like that she could have just taken her vacation in North Korea.

The TSA says it confiscated more than 1,500 guns at airports in 2012, a record. They probably could have even found more but were too concerned about making sure that no bottles of shampoo or water were able to make it into the hands of any potential terrorists.

A hospital in Kenya has imprisoned mothers who give birth but have no money to pay their bill. To which American hospitals are asking "You can do that?"

A drug bust in China has netted nearly 200 pounds of methamphetamine. Apparently we're now even outsourcing our meth houses.

A study says that left wing voters in several countries are more likely to support redistribution of wealth. Mostly because it's the easiest way to get it back from the right wing business owners who swindled them out of theirs in the first place.

The Toyota Prius has been chosen by Consumer Reports as the best new car value. Unless you value your image while driving down the street.

The CEO of Chevron says that high energy prices are scarier than the threat of global warming. However, since his company has pushed gasoline prices around $4 a gallon, the threat of global warming has dropped since no one can afford to drive their cars anymore.

Ship traffic off the coast of California has been rerouted to protect migrating whales. What they need to do is reroute the whales to make sure they don’t start heading over close to Japan.

Sea World has filed to go public with a $100 Million IPO. Apparently executives feel the public has a lot more confidence in Shamu than they did with Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebook stock.

Economists say that U.S. housing and labor markets are strengthening into 2013. To which most people are saying “We still have a housing and labor market?”

U.S. Dockworkers are threatening strikes that could disrupt commerce across the entire nation. Mostly just at Wal-Mart where all the imports are ending up on the shelves.

A Florida dentist’s office is doubling as a beauty spa. Apparently they can do wonders with the worry lines patients get after seeing their dentist bill.

The Institute of Food Technologists says that asparagus may be good for relieving a hangover. Especially for people who get drunk wondering why there is an Institute of Food Technologists.

The Institute of Food Technologists says that asparagus may be good for relieving a hangover. To which most Americans say they would rather just have the hangover.

The Institute of Food Technologists says that asparagus may be good for relieving a hangover. If only they could figure out some way to get a Big Mac to relieve a hangover.

A study says that neurotic people are healthier than others. Which means they will live even longer to be able to completely annoy everyone around them.

A study says that neurotic people are healthier than others. Mostly because anyone who has to live with a neurotic person is either drinking too much or abusing drugs.

A study says that kind children are more popular and happier than bullies. Mostly because if they are truly kind, they don’t mind that a bully has just taken their lunch money and given them a wedgie.

A study says that girls with poor reading skills are linked to a higher risk of getting pregnant. Especially when they can’t read the instructions on their birth control dispenser.

A study says that girls with poor reading skills are linked to a higher risk of getting pregnant. Especially when they can’t read the directions on how to help their partner put on a condom.

A study says that girls with poor reading skills are linked to a higher risk of getting pregnant. Especially the ones who can’t read the intentions of the guys they are going out with.

A report says there are plenty of apps that will help people achieve their New Year resolutions. What they need is an app that shuts down the smartphone every few minutes for people who have resolved to be less annoying to everyone around them.

Katniss and Finn are reportedly the two hottest baby names of the year. One is from “The Hunger Games”, the other from “Glee”. People should just be happy that “Norbit” was a flop and that “Snooki” is now off the air.

A study says that gossip may discourage people from slacking off to avoid being the subject of all the gossip. However, the people who slack off the most are the ones who are standing around the water cooler doing all the gossiping.

A study says that gossip may discourage people from slacking off to avoid being the subject of all the gossip. Actually it wasn’t a study. It was researchers who just put together all the gossip they were hearing other researchers talking about.

A study says that itching may actually be a form of pain. Especially the pain you feel when everyone else finds out you have jock itch.

Kevin Federline’s brother Christopher says he is the father of Britney Spears’ oldest son. That shows just how lazy K-Fed really is.

Kevin Federline’s brother Christopher says he is the father of Britney Spears’ oldest son. Apparently Britney was intent on finding a bigger loser than K-Fed and she did.

Kevin Federline’s brother Christopher says he is the father of Britney Spears’ oldest son. Which if true shows that you can take the girl out of the trailer...

Jennifer Garner has been chosen as the celebrity mother of the year by Parents magazine. Apparently to qualify you need to know the names and birthdays of all your kids, who the fathers are and which country they were conceived in.

An experiment at Clemson University shows that many people enjoy running over turtles in the road. Mostly because there weren’t any people on the road at that time wearing South Carolina colors.

A study says that half of Americans live in homes that only or mostly use cellphones. The other half are still trying to figure out what the “star” and “pound” sign are for.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only three more days left in the year. Still time to get in those resolutions I gave up on back on January 3rd...You can still keep up that resolution to make sure to send the love every day!

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