Thursday, December 27, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.

15 people were injured when a shark tank shattered at a mall in China. Although it wasn’t quite as bad as the “sit on the lap of an Asian Black Bear dressed as Santa” promotion.

15 people were injured when a shark tank shattered at a mall in China. Somewhere there is a group of five year olds who will be in big trouble for their sloppy work at the shark tank manufacturing center.

The Chicago Tribune and six other newspapers are dropping the Associated Press. Apparently they are planning on saving money by getting their news the same way everyone else does. On Facebook and Twitter.

A Japanese man is about to become the oldest living man ever on record at 115. Apparently he has no significant health problems and spends most of his day in bed. Which makes him pretty much like most other people who are 100 years younger.

A study says that expressing anger can add two years to a person’s lifespan. Which means the Mel Gibson can probably look forward to outliving all of us.

The English inventor who designed the wind up radio says the Internet is leaving children brain dead, losing their creativity and skills. Of course, the children’s answer to that is the Internet has completely replaced any need for a wind up radio.

The English inventor who designed the wind up radio says the Internet is leaving children brain dead, losing their creativity and skills. Apparently his radios aren’t the only thing that are wound up a little too tightly.

Many airports across the country are expanding their art programs. Apparently they are trying to give passengers something to do while they are waiting two days for their canceled flights to be rescheduled.

The longest high speed rail line in the world has opened in China at nearly 1,500 miles. Or as Amtrak calls that, “keep dreaming.”

L.A. is offering groceries for guns at the city’s annual buyback. Although in L.A. most people figure if you have a gun you can get all the groceries you need any time.

L.A. is offering groceries for guns at the city’s annual buyback. If they were really serious they would offer Botox treatments and hair transplants.

The U.S. will hit its debt limit on December 31st. So what’s the big deal about going over the fiscal cliff if we’re already broke anyway?

The U.S. has turned down a request from California for a waiver from No Child Left Behind. Under the provision, schools must raise students to proficiency levels in English and math by 2014. California says they need the waiver until some of the kids actually learn to speak English.

Airlines are taking a preemptive approach to cancel flights for bad weather. Like American Airlines, which cancels flights during good weather before any bad weather has a chance to move in.

Toyota’s settlement over accidents involving the sudden acceleration of its cars will reach over $1 Billion. To which Ford is breathing a sigh of relief, since its cars have never been accused of having any acceleration.

The IRS will be raising limits on retirement contributions in 2013. Which is good news for people who are 65 and older who are hoping to retire sometime before 2030.

Chicken farms are turning to oregano as a substitute for antibiotics. The chickens are still getting sick but at least they come out of the package already seasoned.

A study linking marijuana use with mental illness says it can go both ways with teenagers. Mostly because it’s sometimes hard to tell if a teenager is stoned or just psychotic.

A study linking marijuana use with mental illness says it can go both ways with teenagers. Which is fine because if they are psychotic you want them stoned, and if they are stoned you don’t know if they are psychotic anyway.

A study says that one in twelve people in the military has clogged arteries. Of course, most of their arteries are clogged with bullet fragments, shrapnel and projectiles.

A study says that one in twelve people in the military has clogged arteries. Apparently the Pentagon is rethinking that deal they made to have Paula Dean come up with the recipes for all the MREs.

A study says that more than 4,000 preventable mistakes are made every year in surgery. According to hospitals, the biggest preventable mistake is letting someone into surgery who doesn’t have health coverage.

Data says that obesity is declining among young and poorer kids. Apparently before kids get healthier, the economy has to get so bad they can’t even afford to eat of McDonald’s dollar menu.

Lady Gaga says she will star in her own movie about herself. The best part of the film is when Rocky comes in and starts punching out the meat dress she is wearing.

Natalie Portman has been ranked as the most bankable movie star by Forbes. While banks are saying Eddie Murphy is the most bankable since people are leaving their money at the bank rather than go see one of his films.

Taylor Swift has been named the most charitable star of 2012. Apparently that’s a nice way of saying she was dumped by twenty different guys last year.

The Phoenix Coyotes of the NHL could have their best financial year ever without even one game being played because of the lockout. To which Hollywood is asking “Can we do that with Kevin Costner’s films?”

The Phoenix Coyotes of the NHL could have their best financial year ever without even one game being played because of the lockout. On the other hand, if the Raiders were ever locked out the local Emergency Rooms would lose half the business they get from the fans.

China is demanding that people use their real names when signing up for Internet providers to prevent “rumors” and “vulgarity”. Of course, using real names doesn’t stop rumors and vulgarity in the U.S. Otherwise known as Facebook and Twitter.

A study says that injured coral has less “sex” until it recovers. Apparently it was the same for Bill Clinton after Hillary caught him. Oh, wait, that was “coral” sex they were talking about here.

A study says that car buyers lack interest in electric cars. All car manufacturers have to do is come up with a loud recording of a big V-8 engine when guys step on the accelerator and they’ll be lining up to buy them.

A study says that car buyers lack interest in electric cars. Mostly because they know as soon as they buy one, Exxon Mobil will buy up all the power plants and it will still cost $50 to drive anywhere.

A study says an asteroid flying near the Earth in 2040 will miss the planet. There is a group of congressmen who were hoping it would hit today so they wouldn’t have to actually do something about that fiscal cliff.

A study says an asteroid flying near the Earth in 2040 will miss the planet. Mostly because of the other three direct asteroid hits between now and then that will pretty much leave nothing left to collide with.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only five more days until the New Year. Which means I still have a little time to work on those resolutions I never got to back in 1987. Hope your resolution is to keep sending the love!

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