Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Doctors are describing a new phenomenon called “dystextia” where garbled text messages can indicate the sender is having a stroke. Either that or they are a teenager.

Baker, California, the home to the “world’s tallest thermometer” has fallen on rough times with the thermometer being out of service the past several years. Of course, anyone who has ever driven through Baker, California knows the town should really be using a rectal thermometer.

A survey says that the tenth most popular wish for Christmas for children was a “dad”. Mostly the kids of Michael Lohan.

The India-Pakistan cricket series was hit by a media blackout over press freedom. Ironically when anyone in the media started to talk about the series, all that was heard was crickets.

The India-Pakistan cricket series was hit by a media blackout over press freedom. And the fact that no one in the world really understands the game in the first place.

Egypt’s new constitution has passed with 63.8% of the vote. Americans were shocked. How can a country get that many people to agree on anything?

Egypt’s new constitution has passed with 63.8% of the vote. The U.S. Constitution could never be ratified because as soon as discussion comes down to the Second Amendment, gunfire always seems to break out.

Thousands of people called NORAD to track Santa Claus, breaking the old record. Mostly because so many people have lost their homes in the last year they wanted to make sure Santa knew where the car they were living in now was parked.

A survey says that half of all workers say they have faked illness to call in sick on the job. The other half couldn’t be reached because they had called in sick that day.

Expensive bicycles are becoming a status symbol for wealthy Chinese executives. While the top status symbol for U.S. executives is still having enough money to be able to afford a lawyer to keep them out of jail.

Expensive bicycles are becoming a status symbol for wealthy Chinese executives. The top status symbol for most U.S. executives is having a staff member whose job is to pull the broken bicycle parts out from under the bottom of their limousine.

A casket company in Indiana is surviving by making machines that do other functions, like add salt to corn chips and food coloring to candy. Which in the long run gives them more customers for their original job of making caskets.

Congress’ inaction on farm legislation could lead to the price of milk doubling next year. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which is worse for Americans, when Congress does something, or when they fail to do something.

The Egyptian economy is crumbling, with people hanging onto dollars because of fear of the devaluation of their currency. Apparently they like the dollar because there is no way it could be devalued any further.

Autopsy studies show a large drop in early heart disease in people in the military over the past 60 years. Mostly because the overweight, couch riding video game players can’t get out of bed to make it to the recruiting center to sign up for the service until after it has already closed for the day.

After nearly 80 years, Newsweek magazine has issued its final print version. Apparently the magazine was done in by others that had news that Americans care about more. The Kardashians, William and Kate and Lindsay Lohan.

A study says that obesity has fallen in U.S. preschoolers. Or at least it seems that way. Mostly because obesity has risen so much in Kindergarten, elementary, middle and high schools.

A study says that bullying affects one in three children with food allergies. Apparently kids with food allergies who can’t eat certain foods are picked on because they aren’t as fat as all the other kids.

7-11 stores are focusing on serving healthier food items. Like Mountain Dew Slurpies with fluoride included to prevent teeth from falling out and Slim Jims that come with their own defibrillator.

7-11 stores are focusing on serving healthier food items. Which means replacing pretty much everything they sell.

A poll says that Americans want less news on the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo in 2013. Which stands to reason since both of them have gone way past their allotted 15 minutes anyway.

A poll says that Americans want less news on the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo in 2013. The question is, what is there we don’t already know way too much about the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo?

Some coaches are complaining that NCAA rules allow teams to feed their players only three times a day, and all food must be eaten at the training table. What they should do is say that food can only be eaten in the classroom and maybe some of the athletes would show up there once in awhile.

Some coaches are complaining that NCAA rules allow teams to feed their players only three times a day, and all food must be eaten at the training table. What’s next, limiting the amount of cars and spending money that rich alumni can give to the players?

A customer is saying a Sprint worker said that his fingers were “too fat” to use the new iPhone. The customer couldn’t really get a good look at the worker to identify them since he couldn’t quite fit in through the doorway to actually get into the store.

Astronauts celebrated Christmas on the International Space Station. And there is nothing like a holiday meal of Tang flavored turkey, Tang flavored yams and Tang flavored mashed potatoes and gravy.

Astronauts celebrated Christmas on the International Space Station. Some people will do anything to get out of having to spend the holidays with their families.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is finally over, time to get back to a little normalcy. Like looking to see where all the hot post-holiday sales are going on this week. Remember, just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean you can’t send a little after Christmas love!

No comments: