Thursday, December 20, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Treasury has announced a GM exit strategy. Now all they need to do is get the Pentagon to finally come up with one for Afghanistan.

A British scientist says that human cloning will be possible within 50 years. The scientific community is good with that just as long as the French don’t find out about it.

A British scientist says that human cloning will be possible within 50 years. The snag is figuring out how to clone everything but use someone else’s teeth.

A winter storm in the central U.S. is threatening to affect travel and gift delivery. Although most people who will be kept from traveling to visit relatives will consider that enough of a gift.

A study says that most teens think that occasional use of marijuana is OK. Occasional meaning every time they can sneak down to the basement for a few bong hits.

A study says that most teens think that occasional use of marijuana is OK. Of course, teens also think that 12 hour sessions of Mortal Kombat and texting while driving are also fine.

A deep freeze in Russia has dropped the temperature to 50 below zero. Or as they call that in Siberia, “Global warming.”

Kodak has sold off its digital patents to raise $525 Million. Apparently it’s going to use the money to get out of bankruptcy and strengthen the company using its film patents that were obsolete as of 1995.

U.S. building permits are at a four year high. The tricky part is getting a loan, finding a buyer and locating any contractors who actually still do construction.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has donated $500 Million of his stock to charity. At least that’s what he bought it for in the IPO. The charities will now be able to sell it for as much as $46.

House Speaker John Boehner is challenging President Obama with a “Plan B” showdown for tax reform. The only question everyone has is what was Plan A?

House Speaker John Boehner is challenging President Obama with a “Plan B” showdown for tax reform. If that doesn’t work, there is always “Plan C” which is take a break from Congress, go home and do nothing.

The TARP bailout, which cost taxpayers a half trillion dollars is reportedly near the break even point. Meaning that the bank executives’ bonuses have pretty much equalled what the banks lost.

The TARP bailout, which cost taxpayers a half trillion dollars is reportedly near the break even point. Of course, the people who were victimized by the banks’ bad mortgages will take about another 40 years to get back to even.

Boeing reportedly used potatoes to simulate humans during a Wi-Fi test. What better to use in place of Wi-Fi users who are just a bunch of couch potatoes anyway?

Boeing reportedly used potatoes to simulate humans during a Wi-Fi test. Which makes sense since the airlines treat their passengers like a sack of potatoes anyway.

Studies say that Olympic athletes live longer than the general population. Of course, it just looks like Bruce Jenner has lived longer than everyone else with all his botched plastic surgery.

A study says that older people become what they think. When you get old and become whatever you imagine, that is actually called Alzheimer’s.

A study says that older people become what they think. Apparently most of them think about being grouchy and cantankerous all the time.

A study says that older people become what they think. Apparently none of them think about being a decent driver.

Kansas and Montana were cited as the states least prepared for an emergency. The only problem is that it is very hard to tell when an emergency situation has actually happened in Kansas or Montana.

A report by the American Heart Association says that only 3% of Americans have a healthy heart. The other 97% will read the report just as soon as they get back from McDonald’s.

Nick Cannon says he dumped Kim Kardashian over her sex tape with another man. Although it must be tough to think he could have been the one to be married to her for 72 days.

ABC newsman Sam Donaldson was arrested for DUI in Delaware. He says he wasn’t even driving at the time, that it was the squirrel he wears on top of his head who was actually doing the steering.

ABC newsman Sam Donaldson was arrested for DUI in Delaware. His excuse is “What else is there to do in Delaware?”

The NFL has fined Robert Griffin III for wearing Adidas sportswear to a news conference. The question is, when are they going to fine Deion Sanders for any of the suits he actually wears in public?

President Obama has been chosen Time’s Person of the Year. Mostly for still being able to be elected with Joe Biden as his running mate.

The UK has loosened their online comments law which will make it less likely that anyone posting something stupid online will be hauled before the courts. In other words, it gives protection to every blogger in Great Britain.

The UK has loosened their online comments law which outlaws messages that are indecent, obscene or menacing. In other words, people in Great Britain can finally start using Twitter.

Internet ad revenues were $9.2 Billion in the third quarter of 2012. The only way to ever get anyone to actually watch one of those Internet ads would be to have them star a cat playing the piano or a hamster eating a cracker.

Cigarette makers are reportedly interest in jumping into the legalized marijuana market in Washington and Colorado. In fact, Joe Camel is rumored to being replaced by the Pillsbury dough boy.

Twitter is launching an archive tool to make it easier to find old tweets. So now people can find out exactly when it was that they tweeted they were reading an interesting newspaper article while on the toilet.

A study says the human hand evolved the way it has for fighting. Then why if we’re so much more evolved, can a chimp still tear us to shreds?

A study says the human hand evolved the way it has for fighting. For those who haven’t evolved as much, the finger has morphed to make pulling a trigger much easier.

A study says the human hand evolved the way it has for fighting. Except for the French, whose legs have evolved much more than anyone else for running away faster.

Florida Governor Rick Scott says that American confidence must be restored in Florida’s voting. It’s not the voting that’s the problem, it’s the counting where things get messed up.

Florida Governor Rick Scott says that American confidence must be restored in Florida’s voting. To which people are asking when was there any confidence in Florida’s voting in the first place?

A worshipper left several checks totaling $500 Million in Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Officials say most the checks came from Nigeria. So that’s what those Nigerian Princes are doing with all the money they scammed from Americans online.

The IRS chief is warning of massive delays in tax returns this year. Just imagine how bad it would be if people actually had incomes they had to pay taxes on.

A New Jersey man has become the first person to fly a million miles in a year on United Airlines. He probably needs a new travel agent since he was only trying to fly to Chicago.

A New Jersey man has become the first person to fly a million miles in a year on United Airlines. His luggage became the first baggage to fly two million miles in a year.

A New Jersey man has become the first person to fly a million miles in a year on United Airlines. He says the reason he did it was simple. It got him out of New Jersey.

A New Jersey man has become the first person to fly a million miles in a year on United Airlines. He says the best part was on the one flight where he actually was able to get a flight attendant to give him a soda.

A New Jersey man has become the first person to fly a million miles in a year on United Airlines. Apparently he did it by booking ten United flights at a time and would take the one that was actually leaving on time. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only five more days until Christmas. But since the Mayan Apocalypse comes tomorrow, nice known’ ya! Better send the love while you still can!

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