Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Instagram has backed off on its claim to have the right to sell user’s photos. Facebook was going to make the same claim but had no idea who would buy millions of pictures of people who are drunk and naked.

New smartphones will soon be able to smell, hear and taste. Now if they could just see so they could warn drivers about that tree they are about to hit while they are texting behind the wheel.

New smartphones will soon be able to smell, hear and taste. Which means when you try to find the nearest pizza it will know not to send you over to Dominos.

A Swedish woman was convicted of having sex with a human skeleton. It turns out she was just out on a date with Keith Richards.

“Undocumented Americans” have reportedly made the short list for Time’s Person of the Year. Mostly because they are the only group who has really done nothing to help in destroying the economy.

A poll says a majority of Americans have benefited from entitlements. Mostly because you are in the minority if you still have any kind of income.

A study says that the unaffiliated rank in third place among world religions, behind Christians and Muslims. The only difference is that so far in world history there have been no unaffiliated groups starting a war based on their non-beliefs.

A study says that the unaffiliated rank in third place among world religions, behind Christians and Muslims. The biggest reason for the increase is the NFL being on TV all day long on Sunday.

NBC journalist Richard Engel was released by kidnappers in Syria after being held for several days. He claims they were psychologically tortured. Mostly by his captors telling him that NBC had sold his contract to Fox News. 

The Department of Justice is considering prosecuting whoever leaked classified information to the makers of the movie “Zero Dark Thirty”. They are also considering pressing charges against whoever wrote the script for “Norbit”.

Three arrests have been made in a massive Canadian maple syrup heist. Fortunately they were stopped before they could go through with the whole plan that called for kidnapping Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

Three arrests have been made in a massive Canadian maple syrup heist. Apparently the thieves would have gotten away except they were as slow as molasses.

Donald Trump won a $5 Million defamation suit against a Miss USA contestant who claimed the contest was fixed. Legal experts were shocked. How could anyone be convicted of slander against Donald Trump?

China has detained 500 people for spreading rumors about the Mayan Apocalypse. Ironically, those 500 people who were worried about the world ending are about to see their prediction come true.

A study says that companies are giving out raises again three years after the recession ended. Most of those people are getting a raise from unpaid intern to minimum wage worker.

Hasbro is planning a gender neutral Easy Bake Oven. It’s the first gender neutral toy since the Ken doll.

Hasbro is planning a gender neutral Easy Bake Oven. Apparently this toy will put the “bro” back in “Hasbro”.

A report says that income inequality is increasing in the nation’s capital. Mostly because all the Republican members of Congress who just lost their elections are taking even more lucrative jobs as lobbyists.

Pfizer is firing 20% of its primary care sales force. Employees of the company that makes Viagra were shocked. They all thought the holidays would bring a big raise.

A study says that aerobic exercise is best for burning fat and losing weight. What did they think, it was going to be beaten out by sitting around playing video games and eating fast food?

A study says the cost and upkeep of hairstyles may be preventing African American women from working out. If expensive hair care is keeping people out of the gym, then why are there so many bald men walking around who are out of shape?

Researchers at UC Berkeley say that squeezing a breast can prevent cancer. Which means that women need to be suspect of anyone who tells them he has a treatment to prevent cancer.

A study says that regular use of aspirin can result in vision loss. Which works out well if watching reality shows on TV is what is giving people their headaches in the first place.

Lindsay Lohan has belatedly thanked Charlie Sheen for giving her $100,000 to help pay her taxes. Mostly because she already spent it on other things and he couldn’t remember writing the check to begin with.

“Transformers” star Megan Fox says raising a new son with her husband Brian Austin Green is too hard so they have hired a nurse. Hopefully the baby will inherit his parents’ looks and money because brains seem to be in short supply.

The Kardashians have unveiled their family Christmas card. Conveniently located on the back is everyone’s wish list for the presents they would like to get.

The Kardashians have unveiled their family Christmas card. Hasn’t Kim Kardashian already been unveiled enough lately?

Kobe Bryant says if he didn’t play with Shaq, he would have scored 40,000 points by now. And it could have been 100,000 if he didn’t have any other teammates always getting in the way.

Kobe Bryant says if he didn’t play with Shaq, he would have scored 40,000 points by now. Mostly because it would have been easier to shoot the ball without all those Championship rings on his fingers.

McDonald’s in Australia reports great success with an online self help site. The only improvement the employees are requesting is a section on how to go about getting a job that pays more than McDonald’s.

Bravo says it is not canceling its Silicon Valley reality show. The only problem is that people keep confusing it with “The Big Bang Theory”.

The new Florida license plate will have green stripes on a white background with an orange in the “o” in Florida. The design was picked in an online poll. Coming in second was a punch hole on the plate with a hanging chad.

“Gangnam Style” was the most watched video on Youtube in 2012. Coming in second and third once again were a cat playing a piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Researchers say that every day of partying takes a half hour off a person’s life. Which means that Charlie Sheen has already lost 30 years and counting.

Researchers say that every day of partying takes a half hour off a person’s life. Which is better than watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” which takes an hour that the viewer will never get back.

A new radio wave treatment is said to have success at lowering a person’s blood pressure. Especially when the patient’s blood pressure has gone sky high after listening to radio waves featuring Rush Limbaugh.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only six more days until the visit from St. Nick. Then another two weeks before visits from Nick and Guido about the money you borrowed to pay for all those Christmas presents. Just remember you never have to borrow a dime when you want to send the love!

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