Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Martin Scorsese will make a documentary about Bill Clinton for HBO. He had to go with HBO because the networks would have had trouble editing content down to any more than five minutes for family viewing.

Martin Scorsese will make a documentary about Bill Clinton for HBO. It will be rated R for sex and violence. The sex will be the Monica Lewinsky affair, and the violence when Hillary finds out about it.

McDonald’s is pressuring its restaurants to stay open on Christmas Day. Because what better tradition for most people than following a big Christmas dinner with a Big Mac combo?

McDonald’s is pressuring its restaurants to stay open on Christmas Day. Mostly because most Americans just can’t resist the idea of a large order of fries with their turkey and dressing.

Two Italian psychologists say that technology has changed the way people think, creating a “new brain”. Of course, the new technology has brought us the Kardashians, Justin Bieber and “Jersey Shore” which means we should maybe ask to have the old brain returned.

A California Highway Patrol officer collected $483,000 last year in salary, pension and other compensation. Apparently Erik Estrada kept showing up for work every day because no one told him that “CHiPs” was canceled nearly thirty years ago.

A study says that watching porn is tied to short term memory loss. Mostly when men watch it and temporarily forget that they are married.

A study says that watching porn is tied to short term memory loss. Mostly when their wife catches them watching it and clocks them on the head.

An Australian court has ruled that workman’s compensation will cover a woman who was injured while having sex on a business trip. The tricky part will be figuring out the alimony payments since her husband wasn’t with her on the trip.

The Supreme Leader Ayatollah of Iran uses Facebook even though it isn’t allowed in the rest of the country. Which makes it very lonely since the only Facebook friends he had were Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden.

A conservative think tank study says that the marriage culture is the key to a stable middle class. To which most Americans are asking “What’s the middle class?”

A report from the Federal Reserve Bank in San Francisco says that the unemployment rate may start going back up now that people who have been out of work for years are looking for jobs again. Which means there could be huge layoffs at the only places that have been hiring anyone recently, the unemployment offices.

A report says that sales of diapers for adults in Japan will soon total more than those for babies. The worst part is having to put grandpa on the changing table when you are in a public restroom.

A report says that obesity is a bigger world health crisis than hunger and is the leading cause for disabilities. Which means everything was good until McDonald’s went global.

Dina Manfredini, the world’s oldest person died at 115 in Iowa after holding the title for just two weeks. The sad part is that she saw being recognized as the world’s oldest person was finally her ticket to get out of Iowa.

A study says that poor people are happier with fewer friends, while wealthier people do better with more friends. Mostly because when you are wealthy, everyone wants to be your friend.

A study says that poor people are happier with fewer friends, while wealthier people do better with more friends. Which puts Donald Trump in an awkward position because no one wants to be his friend, rich or poor.

A study says that two glasses of milk are optimal for most preschoolers. Although most kids find they need more than that to wash down the three bags of Oreo cookies they snack on every day.

A study says that some sugar before getting a shot eases the pain for babies. Apparently now our researchers gather their information while watching screenings of “Mary Poppins”.

Studies indicate that sleep loss reduces a person’s pain tolerance. Especially when his wife realizes he didn’t get home and into bed until five in the morning.

“Our Gang” star Jack Hanlon has died at age 96. Apparently he was flustered that every time he went out everyone always came up and asked what it was like to work with a legend like Buckwheat.

“Our Gang” star Jack Hanlon has died at age 96. If nothing else, it raised the average life span of child stars as much as two years.

“Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta told Playboy Magazine “I celebrate nudity every day.” Unfortunately, so does Hugh Hefner when he forgets to wear his pants to work again.

“Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta told Playboy Magazine “I celebrate nudity every day.” So do the people on her block who have all suddenly taken an interest in buying a telescopes for um, stargazing.

The probe into the cause of death of Amy Winehouse is being reopened. Apparently no one believed the first report that said there were no illegal drugs in her system.

The NFL says that more Robert Griffin III jerseys have been sold this season than of any other player in league history. Although the smart people are the three who still have held onto their Ryan Leaf collectible jersey.

The NFL says that more Robert Griffin III jerseys have been sold this season than of any other player in league history. He’s a huge hit in Washington, D.C. Which helps make up for all the “Biden” jerseys still in storage at all the souvenir shops.

Sinful Robots is developing a virtual reality sex game. Or as Trekkies and “Star Wars” fans call it, “sex”.

The Census Bureau will start offering people the chance to respond to surveys on the Internet. At least that way they know they will at least get the first question right, “Do you have access to the Internet?”

IBM predicts that in five years computers will be able to have all five senses. The only problem is the person using the computer usually lacks one sense. Common.

IBM predicts that in five years computers will be able to have all five senses. The only problem is that they will have to figure out how to shut down hearing and smell when someone puts in a Justin Bieber CD.

An Egyptologist says that Ramses III was assassinated in a coup attempt. Which shows that at least things haven’t gotten any more unstable in the Middle East over the past 3,000 years.

A report says that John Kerry will be nominated as the next Secretary of State after Susan Rice withdrew her name from the process. To which Kerry says he was against being Secretary of State before he was for it.

88 year old Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye has died at age 88. He was born to be in the Senate as you can’t spell Inouye without “IOU”.

88 year old Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye has died at age 88. His last word was “Aloha”. Then he reconsidered and came to saying “I will haunt anyone who plays ‘Tiny Bubbles’ at my funeral.”

The Governor of Ohio has granted clemency to the “Too obese to be executed” killer. Which shows that healthy eating doesn’t always make for a longer life span.

A survey says the economy will still be weak in 2013. Or as economists would call that, “a tremendous improvement.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is a week away. The Mayan apocalypse is three days away. Better do your shopping for me today. But all you really ever need to send is the love!

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