Sunday, December 16, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Dominos Pizza owner Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government over Obamacare over having to pay for contraception for his workers. Apparently his women employees will now show him how they can get pregnant in thirty minutes or less.

A Russian circus trainer saved two elephants from freezing by giving them each a mixture of two gallons of vodka mixed with warm water. Or as most Russians call that, “breakfast”.

China has tightened controls to make it harder for Internet services to get through the “Great Firewall”. Which means the Chinese people will still be able to enjoy logging on to the three websites currently approved by the government.

Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch tweeted a question asking when politicians will find the courage to ban automatic weapons. The answer is apparently not as long as any of them keep watching Fox News.

The Marine Corps will start random breathalyzer tests to make sure Marines are not drunk while on duty. They could also solve a lot of problems if they would just start doing the same for the members of the House and Senate.

Hillary Clinton fainted and suffered a concussion when she fell. Apparently she passed out when Bill said he would actually be staying at home for a weekend.

A woman worker at Wal-Mart says she was fired when she prayed on the job. Apparently it must have worked since she was praying for the chance to look for a job that pays better than minimum wage and that offers health coverage.

Facebook has made a list of the top ten moments of 2012. Coming in at number one was when people made the decision not to buy any stock in the Facebook IPO.

Southwest Airlines says it will start charging a “no-show” fee to customers who don’t show up for flights with the cheapest fares. To which customers are asking if they can do the same for flight attendants who completely disappear during the entire flight.

Southwest Airlines says it will start charging a “no-show” fee to customers who don’t show up for flights with the cheapest fares. To which customers are asking if they can do the same when their luggage is sent to a different city.

American Airlines and United reportedly are considering merging to form a giant airline. Which means passengers will now have their flights delayed three times before they are then just canceled.

A Washington, D.C. man is suing Comcast Cable for an error he says cost him $26,000. Apparently that is how much he had to pay his now ex-wife when their cable was cut and they actually had to spend a weekend talking to each other.

Poland says it could adopt the Euro by 2016. That depends on whether there still is a Euro by 2016.

Poland says it could adopt the Euro by 2016. Apparently they are tired of everyone making fun of them for having currency called the “zloty”.

Boeing has delivered a 777 to Iraq, the first new airliner the country has bought in decades. Iraqi Airways is now trying to return it, saying that Boeing forgot to install the propellers.

Boeing has delivered a 777 to Iraq, the first new airliner the country has bought in decades. Iraqi Airways passengers are ecstatic since the new overhead compartments can hold up to three chickens and a goat.

Forbes says the worst state for business is Maine. Apparently the other 49 are all tied for second.

Forbes says the worst state for business is Maine. Unless you want to start a bed and breakfast or open a bookstore that only sells Stephen King novels.

A poll says that three in ten Americans have skipped medical care because of the cost. The other seven went ahead with the medical care and should be out of debt some time in the next twenty years.

A poll says that three in ten Americans have skipped medical care because of the cost. Apparently they opted to use the money they saved to instead put a down payment on a cemetery plot.

An eight year old British boy had a nasal drip that was found to be caused by a tooth stuck in his ear. To which his doctors immediately wondered “What the heck is that thing?”

A study says that a person’s appetite may be dictated by short term memory. Apparently there are a lot of people who have forgotten they just finished off a seven course meal a couple of hours ago.

Parents are protesting a yoga class being taught at a California elementary school, saying it is indoctrinating their kids to Hinduism. Although most elementary school students think that yoga is the name of a cartoon bear their parents used to watch.

A study says that workplace bullying is common and can lead to people taking antidepressants. Mostly when it brings back the memories of coming home from third grade sporting a wedgie every day.

Former “American Idol” Kelly Clarkson is engaged to Brandon Blackstock. The only sad part is that at the wedding the limo driver for the bride and groom will be Justin Guarini.

Former “American Idol” Kelly Clarkson is engaged to Brandon Blackstock. Apparently Clarkson met her fiancee when he was operating the karaoke equipment where she was performing.

A New York strip club is offering to pay all of Lindsay Lohan’s bills if she hosts their website. The question is, which businesses are dumb enough to give Lindsay Lohan any credit to rack up any bills in the first place?

A New York strip club is offering to pay all of Lindsay Lohan’s bills if she hosts their website. She says she would rather pay off her debts the old fashioned way. Shoplifting.

A man was arrested outside of Taylor Swift’s Nashville home. Police knew he wasn’t someone she was dating because he was older than 16.

Barbara Walters chose former General David Petraeus as the “Most Fascinating Person of the Year”. To which Bill Clinton says “No fair, I was almost fired over an affair and I never got picked!”

A piano that appeared in the movie “Casablanca” has been auctioned for $600,000. Which is kind of sad when you realize Humphrey Bogart was paid about $25,000 to star in the film.

Justin Bieber and ABC are reportedly developing a sitcom based on his life. The only problem is that anyone who would  be interested in watching it is already in bed during prime time.

Justin Bieber and ABC are reportedly developing a sitcom based on his life. Of course, it will be starring “Jerry Mathers as the Bieber”.

Lil Wayne has paid the IRS $7.7 Million in back taxes. Music industry experts were shocked. How did Lil Wayne make enough money to have to pay $7.7 Million in taxes?

Seven Big East schools, Georgetown, St. John’s, Villanova, DePaul, Marquette, Seton Hall and Providence are leaving the conference. The athletic community was stunned. Those schools have sports programs?

65 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger says that sex is not the same when you get older. From looking at his housekeeper, for one thing your eyesight starts to get a lot worse.

High tech lights will be installed on the International Space Station to fight against space insomnia. Although an easier way to induce sleep would be to have the astronauts talk about themselves to each other for about five minutes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 9 days until Santa arrives. Unfortunately, the bad economy has reached all the way to the North Pole and lots of kids will wake up to some IOUs. I will always be indebted to anyone who takes the time to send the love!

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