Friday, December 14, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says a record number of people were killed by falling TVs and furniture in 2011. Mostly from people throwing their television sets out the window after watching “Jersey Shore”.

A report says a record number of people were killed by falling TVs and furniture in 2011. Some people will do anything to get into the Guinness record book.

Blue Shield of California is seeking health insurance rate hikes up to 20%. Apparently they figure anyone who has a job and enough money to have health coverage in the first won’t miss a few more thousand dollars.

The federal government is going to investigate 5 Hour Energy drinks. The ironic part is that government workers only put in a four and a half hour work day.

A study says that federal workers’ job satisfaction dropped sharply in 2012. The question is who would be satisfied having to work for the federal government in the first place?

A study says that federal workers’ job satisfaction dropped sharply in 2012. Apparently many of them were counting on Mitt Romney to win the White House which would let them kick back for awhile and just collect unemployment checks.

Flight attendants for Cathay Pacific Airways in Hong Kong say they will withhold service and smiles during a pay dispute with the airline. Which could confuse passengers into thinking they accidentally boarded a United Airlines flight.

The oldest evidence of cheese making was found in Poland dating back 7,000 years. Researchers based the claim on pottery pieces and the discovery of an ancient Velveeta wrapper.

Egypt has outlawed any “romantic or passionate” songs from state run TV. Sociologists were shocked. There are Egyptian songs that are romantic or passionate?

Egypt has outlawed any “romantic or passionate” songs from state run TV. Sociologists were shocked. The only song that even remotely fits that description is the Bangles’ “Walk Like an Egyptian”.

AAA says the Christmas travel season could be the biggest in six years. Mostly because people have enough money to travel to visit family members, and the family members have enough money to travel and leave before everyone else arrives.

Neiman Marcus is selling a $100,000 chicken coop complete with ten hens. The coop is based on France’s Versailles palace. Good luck getting chickens anywhere near a place that comes with a guillotine.

Neiman Marcus is selling a $100,000 chicken coop complete with ten hens. It would be cheaper to have Bob Evans come over and personally cook you an omelet every morning.

A website survey says that Facebook is the best company to work for. The only problem is that if you are in the stock side of their 401K plan you will be working until you are 85 to retire.

The CEO of the Weather Channel has stepped down. Apparently it came as quite a shock. Not one of the staff meteorologists had that in their 7 Day Forecast.

A study says that a person’s feelings for their in-laws can affect their marriage. If that was true, pretty much everyone would be divorced by now.

A simple sitting test is said to be able to predict a person’s longevity. It’s a good sign if you can sit down and stand up with little help. It’s a bad sign if you need to call 911 to get up off the sofa after a meal.

A study says that life expectancy has risen around the world, but not in the U.S. There’s pretty much a reverse correlation between the U.S. life expectancy and profits reported at McDonald’s.

A study says the Japanese are the healthiest people in the world. Who knew that Karaoke was such an effective workout regimen?

A study says the Japanese are the healthiest people in the world. Apparently after surviving Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Fukushima, they are now even harder to kill than cockroaches.

A study says that people are living longer, but they are also sicker. Which means all those extra years of life get to be split between the doctor’s office and the hospital.

A study says that people are living longer, but they are also sicker. Which is kind of like winning a free airline trip and finding out the flight is going to Afghanistan.

A study says that distress is tied to a higher risk of having a stroke. And nothing distresses a person more than thinking they are about to have a stroke.

Researchers have come up with a possible cure for the deadliest jellyfish sting. That’s another medical miracle that could save up to three lives a decade.

Researchers have come up with a possible cure for the deadliest jellyfish sting. Which is great news if you are a cartoon character on “SpongeBob SquarePants”.

The Dodgers could pass the Yankees this year as the biggest spenders in baseball. The only problem is that some of the players are like the fans. It costs full price but they only show up for three innings.

Google is making it harder for people to accidentally stumble onto porn images in a search. Or as men call that, the “I’m feeling lucky” button.

Congress is considering a ban for smartphone tracking apps. The last thing they want is for for constituents to find out where they are and what they are doing in their off time.

Bar code co-inventor Joseph Woodland has died at age 91. His family was grateful that his invention allowed them to just go to Costco, pick out his casket and run it right through the scanner to pay for it.

The U.S. Britain and Canada are refusing to sign a U.N. treaty calling for Internet regulation. The U.S. figures that if we can’t even regulate our own banks, businesses and Wall Street, who even thinks we have a chance with the Internet?

The Census Bureau says that more people are moving from New York to Florida than between any other two states. Mostly because the people fleeing Alabama figure any state is better than where they are at.

A Senate Intelligence panel has approved a report about torture during the George W. Bush Administration. The report touched on the most often used techniques, including waterboarding, extraordinary rendition and getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wants President Obama to help pay off the debt of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. To which the President says after taking on the $16 Trillion national debt anything else isn’t worth his time.

The City of Detroit has paid out nearly $500,000 in bonuses to city workers despite being almost bankrupt. Who do they think they are, a Wall Street investment bank?

The City of Detroit has paid out nearly $500,000 in bonuses to city workers despite being almost bankrupt. Apparently the city wants to reward those who have gone way beyond the call of duty. Mainly by staying in Detroit.

A report says that families could be paying as much as $25,000 a year in health premiums by 2020. At that point, unless you need a heart transplant or brain surgery why not just skip the insurance and pay all your medical bills in cash?

A poll says that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie needs to be healthier to run for President. The only problem with that is how healthy can you be when you are forced to live in New Jersey?

A study says that too much time on Facebook can chip away at people’s self control which can result in overspending and overeating. Which is no big deal since when you become poor and fat no one will want to be Facebook friends with you anyway.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 11 more days until Christmas. Which means 10 more days until I really need to start getting ready for it. All I need to get through the next few days is to have you all remember to send the love!


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