Thursday, December 13, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The UK Census says that 176,000 people in England and Wales claim their religion as Jedi Knight. Needless to say, the Census also says they are all still single.

21 year old triplets in Michigan are all behind bars on felony charges. After all these years, they still like to wear identical outfits. Only now they are orange jumpsuits.

Amsterdam is going to ban marijuana smoking in school. Apparently they came to the decision after nearly going broke trying to feed the kids at lunch and having to wait three weeks for them to finish each test.

The Federal Reserve predicts high unemployment rates for the next three years. Now that President Obama won’t be seeking reelection apparently it’s OK now to tell people how bad the economy really is.

Lindsay Lohan has had her probation revoked and is facing up to eight months in jail. Which in celebrity time comes out to about 30 minutes.

A study says that loneliness can increase the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because you don’t have anyone around to realize you are forgetting who they are.

Sitar legend Ravi Shankar has died at age 92. Music purists always gave him credit for never going electric.

Sitar legend Ravi Shankar has died at age 92. He influenced many rock groups into turning to Indian music while selling as many as three albums himself.

The University of Iowa has become the first public U.S. university to ask about students’ sexual orientation on their school applications. Students have the choice of saying they are gay or just checking the box that says “theater major”.

The University of Iowa has become the first public U.S. university to ask about students’ sexual orientation on their school applications. They are becoming so diverse, next year they may have other choices on the race selection besides “White”.

Peanut butter and garlic bread are back on school lunch plates after kids protested them being removed by the USDA. It’s amazing how are kids are so picky about their eating yet still manage to become so obese.

The Pope sent out his first tweets on 12/12/12. His first tweet was “Is it today that is supposed to be the day the world ends or do I have that mixed up?”

The Pope sent out his first tweets on 12/12/12. His first tweet was “Hey, I can do this right from the toilet.”

Skier Lindsey Vonn says she will not give up her fight to race against men. Not only does she feel she can beat them at skiing, she has personally challenged Bodi Miller to a game of beer pong.

Hasbro will meet with a 13 year old girl on making gender neutral Easy Bake Ovens that boys can use. Their next assignment after that will be to make one that is “wedgie neutral” for boys who are found out to have an Easy Bake Oven.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says the “fiscal cliff” is already damaging the U.S. economy. What’s another setback? The U.S. economy has fallen off more cliffs lately than Wile E. Coyote.

Florida is about to become the first state to issue 1 Million concealed gun permits. Mostly because Texans feel they already have a permit to carry a concealed weapon issued by God.

A new law will limit the volume of TV commercials. Unfortunately, it went into effect right at the end of the political ad season.

A new law will limit the volume of TV commercials. That’s a start, now they have to work on eliminating the sound altogether.

A new law will limit the volume of TV commercials. Although commercials aren’t a bad thing. They give us a much needed break from network programming.

A new law will limit the volume of TV commercials. To which anyone watching NBC is asking “What are TV commercials?”

A study says that the afternoon may be the best time to exercise. Which works out for most people because it’s not like they have a job to keep them busy during the day.

A study says that hiking in nature may boost a person’s creativity. Like trying to figure out a new way to get relief from poison oak.

Congress says the FDA should do more to protect the public from the risk of hair straightening products. The only question is how does anyone in Congress even know about hair straightening products?

A study says that 30% of people observed crossing streets were doing so while being distracted by looking at their cellphone screens. The other 70% were waiting to do all their texting when they got to their cars and were driving.

Prince William attended the opening of the new “Hobbit” movie by himself. Even a married guy can’t get a date to see a Sci-Fi Fantasy movie.

The NFL is considering expanding the number of teams making the playoffs to 14 or 16. Cleveland Browns fans know their chance will finally go up to making it to the playoffs when they increase the number to 32.

An archaeologist says he has found evidence of Noah’s flood. Apparently it’s a 2,000 year old letter from FEMA saying they will provide some assistance as soon as they can.

AT&T is demonstrating a wireless asthma sensor. It’s for AT&T customers who get out of breath from screaming at their phone every time it drops a call.

House Speaker John Boehner has warned House GOP members not to make plans for Christmas because of negotiations over the “fiscal cliff”. It doesn’t matter since the way Congress spends money it’s like every day is already Christmas.

The Census Bureau says that whites will no longer be the U.S. majority by 2043. Unless you are talking about the House, Senate and pretty much every private country club in the country.

A report says that New Jersey families would be hit hardest if we go over the “fiscal cliff”. Although after six seasons of “Jersey Shore”, most people would be happy to see New Jersey just disappear over a real cliff.

65% of Americans polled say that Congress should compromise to solve the budget deficit. The other 35% say they should compromise just to say they actually did it once.

Mick Jagger’s love letters to singer Marsha Hunt were sold at an auction for $300,000. To which everyone under 30 was asking “What are letters?”

Mick Jagger’s love letters to singer Marsha Hunt were sold at an auction for $300,000. They were considered rare because they are the only love letters Mick Jagger ever wrote that weren’t to himself.

A report says that Americans are paying more for health insurance and getting less. The insurance companies are trying to fix that. They are trying to arrange it so we pay more and get nothing.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! My daughter got her braces off today. Her smile is beautiful. Mine has been gone since I forked out $5,000 to fix her teeth. I might be able to manage a crooked grin if you remember to send the love!

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