Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Department of Education says that only 7% of 8th graders in Detroit are proficient at reading. The other 93% asked what “proficient” means.

The Department of Education says that only 7% of 8th graders in Detroit are proficient at reading. Which isn’t bad considering 10% of Detroit students ever even make it past the 7th grade.

A North Carolina woman in a car chase with police called 911 and said she would stop if they would pay her $300,000. Apparently she was driving an SUV and needed to fill the tank.

GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt says that China’s communist government “works.” There are those in China who disagree. And they will be let out of prison as soon as they change their minds.

Sales of the gold American Eagle coin are at their highest in two years. How weak is the dollar that people think buying  $5 coin for $200 is a good deal?

The reality show “Storage Wars” is being sued by one of its stars for being “faked”. What’s next, finding out Kim Kardashian isn’t a mindless, self absorbed, materialistic bimbo?

Scientists are claiming they have unlocked the riddle of why people are gay. To which gay people responded with “We love a riddle!”

The Tribune Company is seeking to sell its newspapers as it comes out of bankruptcy. Which is a pretty good idea since owning a bunch of newspapers is what put the company into bankruptcy in the first place.

The Census Bureau says that more people moved out of California than moved in during 2011. Mostly because California has made the switch from a Blue State to an In The Red State.

Gerard Depardieu has fled from France to Belgium to take advantage of the country’s lower tax rate. Now Belgians are trying to figure out where to flee to avoid living anywhere near Gerard Depardieu.

The Vatican’s top astronomer says that the world isn’t ending despite the Mayan prophesy about December 21st. He says there is no way that is going to happen while Neptune transitions into Pisces and Mars is retrograding towards Virgo.

The Vatican’s top astronomer says that the world isn’t ending despite the Mayan prophesy about December 21st. To which everyone asked “Why does the Vatican have an astronomer?”

The Sudan is accusing Israel of using vultures to fly spy missions in its country. Mostly because vultures are the only creatures that could possibly make it through the Sudan and return alive.

The Sudan is accusing Israel of using vultures to fly spy missions in its country. Which brings up the question, why would anyone need to spy on what is going on in the Sudan?

Today’s date of 12/12/12 has spawned mass weddings and superstitions. Like the superstition that getting married on 12/12/12 because of the date is going to lessen anyone’s odds of getting divorced.

A report says that mobile apps can compromise the personal data of children. What personal data do kids even have? That Susie likes Bill and that Mary tested positive for cooties?

Harvard’s MBA program has been ranked number one in the nation for the third straight year. Programs are ranked on the corporate positions achieved by graduates, their salary, and length of time of their current prison term.

A probe says that seafood fraud is widespread in New York. Apparently the number one violator for years is the company that claims their product is actually chicken that comes from the sea.

A probe says that seafood fraud is widespread in New York. Apparently people are being warned to beware of any mackerels claiming to be holy.

A probe says that seafood fraud is widespread in New York. Otherwise known as dining out at the Red Lobster.

Nike Chairman Phil Knight has given a $125 Million gift to advance cardiovascular health. The problem is that people who spend $200 on a pair of Nike shoes don’t want to go out and wear them out by actually doing any physical activity in them.

A report says a record number of journalists around the world have been jailed so far in 2012. To which George W. Bush is saying “Why didn’t someone tell me I could have done that when I was President?”

Exxon has come out with its Outlook for 2013 which makes predictions through 2040. It’s most notable prediction is that by the year 2040 the company’s profits will only be able to be described as in the “Bazillions”.

A retail group says that retail fraud costs $9 Billion a year. Or as most people call retail fraud, “shopping”.

A study says that mobile apps can help people lose weight, as long as they diet and exercise. Which is like saying that mobile apps can help you retire comfortably as long as you have a good job, save and invest wisely.

A study says that kids who have TV sets in their bedroom are more likely to be overweight. But not as much as the kids who have a refrigerator and microwave in their bedroom.

A study says that women who smoke have double the risk of sudden death. Especially when they light up in a no smoking area around militant non-smokers.

MTV will have seven days of special programming in advance of the final episode of “Jersey Shore”. Hopefully it will be a week of constant apologies from all the network executives responsible for bringing us “Jersey Shore”.

Prosecutors are requesting that Lindsay Lohan’s probation be revoked in relation to a recent car crash. It means she is facing the possibility of serious jail time, which for celebrities could mean however long it takes for a photo op with the judge.

Don Imus has signed a three year contract extension on his radio show. Media experts were shocked. Imus still has a radio show?

Ricky Martin told a U.N. conference he wishes he could come out again. People would feel the same about that as they do when Madonna sings “Like a Virgin”.

Ricky Martin told a U.N. conference he wishes he could come out again. To which conference goers assured him that the three people he fooled into thinking he was straight have gotten over it.

A movie featuring the “Angry Birds” is set to come out in 2016. By which time everyone will be asking “What are ‘Angry Birds’?”

A movie featuring the “Angry Birds” is set to come out in 2016. Producers are hoping to cast as the angriest birds Naomi Campbell and Mel Gibson.

25,000 postal workers have taken an early retirement buyout. Which means they will be paid by the Post Office to do nothing. Which most postal employees are asking “What’s the difference?”

A group of women Senators say they would have already solved the fiscal cliff issue if they were in charge. Mostly by getting rid of all the men who got us into the mess in the first place.

A survey says that Americans are living longer, but not healthier. Which means all those people who are overweight and smoke and drink may really be on to something after all.

Government data says that U.S. highway deaths were at a 62 year low in 2011, the fewest since 1949. Apparently 1950 was the year Chrysler started selling cars in mass numbers.

Thailand is producing elephant dung coffee that costs $50 a cup. To which Starbucks says “And we thought our prices were elephant dung.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is 12/12/12, which means it is a lucky day. If you have read this far, it’s obviously not yours. But you can still make up for it by making my day lucky by remembering to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine said...

So... why does the Vatican have an astronomer?

12/12/12 might be a lucky day for some, but I'm still looking forward to 12/21/12 ... after all, what's the worse that could happen ... the world might end so I won't have to admit to getting older? ... Is that such a bad thing?

Love you, Jim!