Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A federal judge has ruled that a proposal for a North Carolina “Choose Life” license plate is unconstitutional. Apparently he was afraid people would think it had something to do with those T-shirts that Wham wore in their 1980s videos.

The government is looking to sell the J. Edgar Hoover Building that houses the FBI. Critics say it is old, dilapidated and crumbling. And the building isn’t in very good condition, either.

A Tokyo jeweler has made a Christmas tree from gold that is selling for $4.2 Million. The store will also help the buyer get it home by helping them strap it to the top of their car.

University of Washington researchers have developed a condom that dissolves inside the body, releasing birth control and STD medications. Apparently it was designed for women who are dating Charlie Sheen and Kevin Federline at the same time.

A report by the intelligence community says that the U.S. will be out as the world’s sole superpower by 2030. Which means it could happen before that, say in 2004.

A Pennsylvania woman died as a result of committing suicide by breathing helium. Rescue crews couldn’t reach her in time because they were thought the calls were coming from Fran Drescher.

Homer Warner, who pioneered the use of computers in patient care has died at 90. Hospitals eventually found a much better use for computers, using them to make sure all patients have their bills ready to go when they are released.

Financial experts are telling their clients not to be worried about the “financial cliff”. This may be a cliff but they already lost everything when they were pushed out of an airplane without a parachute in 2007.

Starbucks metal gift cards that sold for $450 are now selling on eBay for $1,000. Apparently people don’t mind paying twice as much for coffee they are already paying ten times too much to buy.

Stocks went up this week based on a strong sales report from McDonald’s. How fat have we gotten that the entire stock market can rise or fall based on how a fast food restaurant is doing?

Ford says it has fixed the problem of fires starting in their Escape and Fusion models. Apparently car owners have been told to keep a fire extinguisher, shovel and sand in the back seat at all times.

A study says the popular weight loss drug Alli can cause major organ damage in people using it. Apparently that’s the idea behind losing weight. It’s hard to eat too much when you are in an organ failure induced coma.

A study says that teens in abusive relationships are more likely to engage in anti-social behaviors as adults. Of course, what teenage relationship isn’t abusive in one way or another?

Parents who are worried their teens may be using drugs are hiring drug sniffing dogs to go through their home. It works out well for the kids who can tell their teachers the drug sniffing dog ate their homework.

A study says that cutting back on salt intake may curb childhood obesity because with less salt kids will drink less soda. Once that is taken care of, parents can work on the ice cream, cake, candy, cookies, desserts, junk food and third helpings.

A report says that childhood obesity is dropping in many cities across the country. Apparently this economy is really promoting health. If you can’t buy it, you can’t eat it.

A study says that women over 40 who had to use in vitro fertilization to get pregnant were shocked when they were told they need fertility treatments. On the other hand, researchers were shocked when a woman over 40 could find a man who wanted to date or marry them.

A study says the decline in air pollution levels is linked to the increase in life expectancy.  Mostly because there is less pollution because people can’t afford gasoline and the life expectancy increase is because people are now forced to walk since they can’t drive.

A study says that girls who smoke have a lower bone density. Which means that any day Camel is going to introduce its latest brand “fortified with calcium!”

Stephen Baldwin has been charged with failing to pay $350,000 in New York state income tax. It’s actually worth it. There is no way he could have paid any publicist $350,000 and gotten this much attention over the past week.

Donald Trump says Anna Wintour as an Ambassador would be “a favor to the country.” A bigger favor would be to make Donald Trump an ambassador so he would have to live in another country.

13,000 people have signed a petition asking the White House to build a Death Star. The White House says it’s already been done. Where do you think that “undisclosed location” was where Dick Cheney was hiding all those years?

Earlier this week there was a g-mail outage in the morning followed by a Facebook outage in the evening. People all over the world noticed during that time that the tree in their front yard had actually grown several feet over the past few years.

Pope Benedict XVI will start tweeting this week, answering questions about faith. Apparently his followers are wondering if he puts more of his faith in Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest.

Pope Benedict XVI will start tweeting this week, answering questions about faith. The Pope is telling young Catholics that the Church has their back. To which the altar boys are saying “Tell us about it.”

Mitt Romney’s remarks about the “47%” has been chosen as the best quote of 2012. The worst quote was “That sounds like a really good deal!” from anyone who bought stock in Facebook.

A study says the net migration from Mexico into the U.S. from 2005-2010 was zero. Apparently once the dollar started to go south so did all the Mexicans.

The Senate Intelligence Committee is expected to approve a report on alleged torture that was performed during the George W. Bush Administration. The only thing more cruel and inhumane will be watching the Senate hearing on C-SPAN.

The Republican National Committee will review what worked and what didn’t during the 2012 election. At least the “what worked” part can be discussed completely in about the first thirty seconds.

The Republican National Committee will review what worked and what didn’t during the 2012 election. To get in the right frame of mind, they are going to start with a private screening of “Titanic”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 14 more days until Christmas. That means 21 more days until New Year’s when we can all declare bankruptcy after getting the bills. Remember, can’t go insolvent if all you send is the love!

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