Friday, November 09, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he will move to limit the ability of the GOP to filibuster. The only question is, how much more in debt will we go once the Senate can actually get things done?

McDonald’s sales have dropped for the first time since 2003. The only thing that has grown as steadily since then is the American waistline.

Iran's President Ahmadinejad ridiculed the expense of the U.S. elections. Apparently he realizes how much money can be saved when a country allows just one candidate on the ballot.

Jermaine Jackson says he is changing his last name to “Jacksun” for “artistic reasons”. That’s good news for everyone who has bought a Jermaine Jackson album. The three copies out there could become collector’s items.

Jermaine Jackson says he is changing his last name to “Jacksun” for “artistic reasons”. Which is sad that the only way he is going to get his name in the media is to change it.

Jermaine Jackson says he is changing his last name to “Jacksun” for “artistic reasons”. Apparently he settled on that idea after growing a mustache and making a happy face in the “o” didn’t quite change his career the way he was hoping.

Political experts say that Hurricane Sandy could have cost President Obama as many as 800,000 votes. When he heard that news, Rupert Murdoch immediately looked into the possibility of buying The Weather Channel.

Russia is criticizing the U.S. election process. Which is strange since a process taking two years and costing billions of dollars that is mired in corruption to complete a simple task sounds like something coming right out of the old Soviet Union.

A chief fundraiser for Mitt Romney says that Hurricane Sandy and Chris Christie cost Romney 4-5 percentage points in the election. One was a huge, uncontrollable destructive bag of wind. The other was a big storm.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that in the next few years technology will make jobs like postal workers, telephone operators and toll collectors obsolete. Mostly because people can’t write, only use their cell phones for games and can’t afford gas to drive their cars.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that in the next few years technology will make jobs like postal workers, telephone operators and toll collectors obsolete. With all the jobs disappearing to technology and outsourcing, pretty soon another job that will be obsolete will be working for the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Fidelity Investments says that 401k balances are hitting record highs. Mostly because even people who are in their 80s are afraid to retire in this economy and start taking money out of their accounts.

The election has cleared the way for the U.S. to finally sell off its shares of GM stock. The U.S. may have saved a lot of jobs, but if they would have put that money into buying shares of Apple back in 2008 we would have wiped out the federal deficit by now.

The election has cleared the way for the U.S. to finally sell off its shares of GM stock. If they can unload that, they may go into the vaults of the Treasury and see if they can finally find a buyer for all the shares of Pets.com they bought back in 1999.

J.D. power says that electric vehicles won’t take off until automakers lower prices and show an economic benefit to consumers. Or at least stop making them look like such geek magnets.

J.D. power says that electric vehicles won’t take off until automakers lower prices and show an economic benefit to consumers. Really? That hasn’t seemed to stop Ferrari from selling pretty much everything they make.

Oil experts say the price of oil will stay low after the election. Mostly because now that the elections are over, the oil companies don’t have to jack up the prices to give their candidates all those healthy donations.

Bentley’s newest model comes with three TV screens, Wi-Fi and two iPads as well as keyboards. The only problem is that no one has been able to drive it more than three miles before crashing it.

Bentley’s newest model comes with three TV screens, Wi-Fi and two iPads as well as keyboards. Who is going to pay $300,000 for a car that basically puts them right back in their office?

New York City is implementing an odd and even license plate system for selling gas. Cars with license plates get gas on odd days, even plates get even days and those with New Jersey plates just go to the front of the line and nobody asks any questions.

The Census Bureau says that Wyoming is the worst paying state for women. Mostly because the state figures with the redneck cowboys and oil field workers, harsh climate and rugged surroundings what’s to stop women from flocking there just for all the side benefits?

Many New Yorkers are complaining they have gained weight since Hurricane Sandy went through the region. Just be careful when a woman asks you if that hurricane makes her butt look big.

Novartis says it may have 14 new blockbuster drugs by 2017. Which means people will have five years to save up for the first dose of whatever it is they are making.

Novartis says it may have 14 new blockbuster drugs by 2017. The bad news is that 13 of them are also wallet buster drugs.

A report says that 16,000 people get sent to the ER each year from being hit in the crotch. The good news is that several of them become eligible for the top prize on “America’s Funniest Home videos”.

A study says that taking multivitamins does not prevent heart attacks. In fact it might cause a few when people get their bill from GNC.

A study says that winter heart attacks are not necessarily caused by cold weather. More than likely they are caused when the January post Christmas credit card bill arrives no matter what the temperature is.

A study says that energy drinks are causing sleep problems with combat troops. The question is why would anyone in combat need something to keep them from dozing off during battle?

A Ukrainian singer says Carly Rae Jepsen stole her song “Call Me Maybe”. Although the literal translation was a bit rough, coming out as “Please Use Device With Hand Crank And Speaker To Communicate Message To Me When You Are Released By Authorities”.

Detroit Lions’ Defensive Tackle Noamukon Suh has been voted the league’s dirtiest player. Remember the good old days when the only non-Raiders not on that list were players who didn’t take showers after the game?

Groupon’s stock plunged following the election causing the company to lay off 80 workers. The good news is they weren’t given pink slips, they were handed coupons for free tokens at Chuck E. Cheese.

Carl Icahn says he is considering a hostile takeover of Netflix. The only people more hostile when it comes to Netflix are the customers who are paying $16 a month to get a few shows and a handful of movies.

A group of African teenagers created a generator powered by urine. If that could be hooked up to a beer brewery it could be the world’s first perpetual motion device.

Video game sales have collapsed ahead of the holidays. Apparently gamers are waiting for all the latest editions to come out before they go on their annual shoplifting runs.

A Santa Claus impersonating reindeer farmer was elected to Congress in Michigan. After the auto bailout, this will be the second trip for Santa between Congress and Michigan.

A Santa Claus impersonating reindeer farmer was elected to Congress in Michigan. Let’s be honest. When it comes to their own district, every member of Congress is a Santa impersonator.

Advisers to Mitt Romney say he was “shell shocked” by his loss in the election. He was commenting on how he couldn’t believe he didn’t connect with voters right when he was putting his Cadillac in the elevator to take it to its private room for the night.

A city council race in Kentucky finished in a tie after one of the candidate’s wife didn’t vote. Even the people of Florida were asking how that could possibly happen.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I don’t know about you, but I am glad the elections are finally over. So, by the way who do you all like in 2016? Someone shoot me. Or just make the effort to send the love!

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