Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Bob Dylan predicted that President Obama would win in a landslide. It was either that or he said that oatmeal tastes good with bananas.

A Cleveland woman who drove on a sidewalk to get around a school bus must wear a sign saying she is an “idiot”. Although that is pretty much an assumed just from the fact she is living in Cleveland.

A Cleveland woman who drove on a sidewalk to get around a school bus must wear a sign saying she is an “idiot”. The judge originally sentenced her to the same message by wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey but determined it would be cruel and unusual punishment.

The gas shortage from Hurricane Sandy in New York has already prompted people to start trading gas for sex on Craigslist. Which means some men were asking to trade a little bit of Ethel for a little bit of Ethyl.

The gas shortage from Hurricane Sandy in New York has already prompted people to start trading gas for sex on Craigslist. To which oil companies are saying that’s nothing new. They have been screwing people at the pumps for years.

Psychologists say that some people may suffer from post election depression. Especially the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson who spend billions of dollars on the presidential campaign and still lost.

Psychologists say that some people may suffer from post election depression. Especially the TV stations that will have to wait another two years until the next election before that kind of ad money starts rolling in again.

President Obama and Mitt Romney each received five votes from Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, the town that votes right after midnight on election day. If Romney had gotten one more vote, Fox News Channel was ready to declare him the winner right then.

A general strike has been called in Greece ahead of an upcoming austerity vote. If you call a strike in a country where unemployment is already at 25%, does anyone even notice?

Geologists say that east coast earthquakes travel further than those in the west. Just on election night there was one that was felt by Republicans from Ohio all the way down to Florida.

After 30 years, Suzuki says it will stop selling cars in America. People were shocked. Suzuki makes cars?

The fuel economy of cars sold in October was at a record high 24.1 mpg. Mostly because with gas prices running around $4 a gallon, most people are having to push their cars to get where they are going half the time.

Domestic automakers were given the day off work to vote on election day. In other words they left the assembly line so they could disassemble the Romney campaign.

Polls show that unemployed people were split down the middle between Obama and Romney. Which means both candidates were equally bad at lying that they were going to get those people back to work.

U.S. house prices rose the most in the past six years in September. Just the cost to rent the White House went all the way up to $2 Billion in just four years.

The U.S. has dropped to 12th place on the world prosperity list. The top three are Norway, Denmark and Sweden. Apparently an abundance of hot Nordic babes walking around is all it takes for anyone to feel like they are doing pretty well.

The U.S. has dropped to 12th place on the world prosperity list. The top three are Norway, Denmark and Sweden. Apparently the latest status symbols in the world are driving a Volvo and trying to figure out how to put together your IKEA furniture set.

Job openings in the U.S. dropped in September. For one thing, the Chicago Cubs know they aren’t going to need any extra help around the ballpark when October rolls around.

A study says that humans can smell fear and disgust and it becomes contagious. Apparently the study took place at a Marilyn Manson concert.

More than 400 students in Pennsylvania are wearing tracking devices to try to trace the movement of the flu. The tracking devices also come in handy when they want to locate the half of the students who don’t show up at school on any given day.

A study says that teenagers eat an extra 300 calories for every trip to a fast food restaurant. You know your kid is eating too much fast food when you take them to Wendy’s and they are escorted to their usual table.

A study says that occasional cocaine users have a higher risk of heart attacks. Especially when they realize how much money they have spent over the years on cocaine.

A study says that occasional cocaine users have a higher risk of heart attacks. An “occasional” cocaine user is someone without enough money to be doing it from the time they wake up until the early hours of the next morning.

A study says that certain aging signs like baldness may be associated with heart disease risk. So now bald people are asking if buying a toupee can be considered a medical expense.

A study says that heart attacks spike in the winter no matter what the temperature. Mostly from Cleveland Browns fans who just can’t take watching their team struggle through the entire winter.

A study says that heart attacks spike in the winter no matter what the temperature. Mostly from men who get dragged along by their wives to go Christmas shopping and then get the bill a month later.

A report says that Broadway shows lost $6 million from the effects of Hurricane Sandy. Critics haven’t seen anything blow that much on Broadway since “Spider-Man Turn Off The Dark”.

Harrison Ford says he would consider reprising his role as Hans Solo in the next episode of “Star Wars” coming out in 2015. He’ll be 73 then. His character will have traded in the Wookie for a beagle.

Harrison Ford says he would consider reprising his role as Hans Solo in the next episode of “Star Wars” coming out in 2015. He’ll be 73 then. He’ll have traded in the Millennium Falcon for a 1962 Ford Falcon.

Harrison Ford says he would consider reprising his role as Hans Solo in the next episode of “Star Wars” coming out in 2015. He’ll be 73 then. The worst part is when Yoda tells him he looks like hell.

Charles Barkley is hinting that he might be leaving “Inside The NBA”. Well, we know it’s not to go out and relax and play more golf.

A study says that bobcats living in urban areas share diseases with humans. Which explains why so many bobcats are showing up at animal shelters looking for help with their diabetes, alcoholism and morbid obesity.

AT&T has agreed to pay back $700,000 that they overcharged customers. Of course, just having an account with AT&T is grounds for a claim of being overcharged.

A report says that most online gamblers put their money on President Obama for re-election. Which is good that they won since none of them have gotten a paycheck in the past four years.

Greyhound is launching a direct non-stop line from L.A. to Las Vegas. They even provide riders with their own sign they can hold up on the freeway to hitch a ride back.

Greyhound is launching a direct non-stop line from L.A. to Las Vegas. Anyone who is going to Las Vegas on a Greyhound is a sitting duck for any criminal who wants to make off with a quick $5 in nickels.

A majority of voters say that America is on the wrong track. No, Amtrak is on the wrong track. America has derailed and is on fire and sliding toward the edge of the Grand Canyon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you are happy with the outcome of the election. If not, what’s another four years? Just make sure you remember to always send the love this way!

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