Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


NBC websites for “Saturday Night Live”, Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno were victimized by hackers. Fortunately, the sites were not damaged as more people check out the network’s websites than watch their programs.

If the U.S. debt were divided among Americans under 18, it would average out to $218,000 per person. Which still lets them off easier than if any of them were planning to pay to go to college.

A New York man has been charged with hoarding gasoline in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Who does he think he is, an oil company?

77,000 gallons of oil spilled at a New Jersey refinery. There was more oil floating around than on the heads of the guys in the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

Officials are investigating allegations of price gouging in New York in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Loaves of bread are reportedly being sold for $7 with matches going for $10 a box. To which 7-11 says “There was a hurricane?”

A study says that teenagers with lesbian parents do better in school and are happier overall. Mostly because they are just glad their mom’s partner isn’t Rosie O’Donnell.

The City of Baltimore will start recording conversations on buses to monitor crime, accidents and poor service. Mostly because the city bus system is the source of most crime, accidents and poor service.

The City of Baltimore will start recording conversations on buses to monitor crime, accidents and poor service. Which means the worst job in the city will be the person who has to listen in on the conversations of city bus riders.

Census data says that a third of young Americans have at least a bachelor’s degree. Which means that the other two thirds aren’t in debt up to their eyeballs.

Census data says that a third of young Americans have at least a bachelor’s degree. The other two thirds just put it on their resume that they do.

Census data says that a third of young Americans have at least a bachelor’s degree. Which they hope to some day hang on the wall at work when it actually helps them get a job.

Census data says that a third of young Americans have at least a bachelor’s degree. Which means they are glad to have that education to help them count back your change at the 7-11.

A study says that playing classical music is the best way to calm an anxious dog. Of course, a dog will try anything to keep from getting it’s owner frustrated enough to resort to neutering.

A study says that playing classical music is the best way to calm an anxious dog. Which interestingly enough is the same way to enrage a teenager.

The U.N. says that Iran is not cooperating with a nuclear weapons probe. In another announcement, the U.N. says the French have a tendency to be rude.

A report says the U.S. service industry grew in October. Which surprised many Americans who are still looking for a business that actually offers some kind of service.

56,000 Kodak retirees will lose their health and welfare benefits as part of a bankruptcy ruling. The company’s new motto is “Share moments, share life, but you’re on your own for everything else.”

A study says that young doctors say fewer hours at work means they are less tired but also less prepared for their work. Or they could get a job at an HMO where they will be kept too tired and unprepared to take care of any patients.

Employers are looking for high deductible health care plans for employees to save on increasing insurance costs. So far the highest deductible plan offered is the one where the insurance company doesn’t pay for anything but the funeral.

A study says that even Baby Boomers in good shape  have a one in three chance of developing heart disease of having a stroke. Which is terrible news for the twelve Baby Boomers who have kept themselves in condition.

A study says that a daily multivitamin may not help men’s heart health. Especially when it is taken after eating a Big Mac combination dinner and washed down with a six pack of beer.

A study says that the fear of math may make a person’s brain hurt. Just think how those people in the congressional budget office feel walking around with that $16 Trillion deficit number rolling around in their head all day.

France is trying to lure filmmakers from around the world into their country with new studio facilities and cheap production costs. The only problem is that every film must come with a part for Gerard Depardieu.

The cast of “Jersey Shore” is helping MTV with a “Restore the Shore” benefit. To which most residents are saying MTV has already done quite enough for them by finally canceling the show.

Lady Gaga was photographed on a beach in Puerto Rico wearing a Miller Lite bathing suit. Apparently she likes a good light beer to wash down a dinner made from her meat dress.

Lady Gaga was photographed on a beach in Puerto Rico wearing a Miller Lite bathing suit. She recently gained 30 pounds so they had to take off the part of the slogan that says “less filling”.

Kid Rock’s new song is available for free on the Michigan Tourism website. Apparently, the people running Michigan tourism want people to think that Kid Rock is some kind of unusual geological feature.

Brad Pitt is starting his own furniture line, after making commercials for Channel #5 perfume. After divorcing Jennifer Aniston, there is now no doubt he is the most gay man in the world.

A scientist in Idaho hopes to spot Bigfoot from the sky. Which begs the question, why would Bigfoot be wasting any time traipsing around in Idaho?

A scientist in Idaho hopes to spot Bigfoot from the sky. The only problem is getting the project together before Bigfoot gets tired of eating potatoes.

The world’s rarest whale was recently seen in New Zealand. Of course, the world’s rarest whale is one that swims within a hundred miles of Japan and isn’t harpooned.

A London mom wrote a book on her Blackberry and is getting it published. Apparently it will be made available for purchase to all 12 people who still own Blackberrys.

A London mom wrote a book on her Blackberry and is getting it published. The book is about how to rehabilitate your severely disfigured thumbs.

Research says that 40% of Americans won’t vote today. The only problem is that the other 60% will still pick someone to be President.

A Texas substitute teacher says she is pregnant from a 14 year old student she was having sex with. Whatever happened to “Timeouts”?

A Texas substitute teacher says she is pregnant from a 14 year old student she was having sex with. He’ll be the only kid in school who will have to go to parent-teacher day on both ends.

Anheuser Busch says it wants its Bud products taken out of the movie “Flight” because it shows the pilot character drinking excessively. Apparently they say it wouldn’t reflect reality as anyone wanting to get drunk wouldn’t be drinking Budweiser in the first place.

Kobe Bryant says he wants to play until he’s 40. Apparently by then he will be old and slow enough to realize there are four other players on the court.

Casino mogul Sheldon Adelson says he left the Democratic Party when they abandoned  his values. To which the other Las Vegas casino owners said “Values?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure you vote today, but only if you aren’t voting stupid. Seriously, if you haven’t really thought about this election just stay at home and read the jokes. And pray. And make sure to remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine said...

So, I'm thinking you will be installing a new sound system in your house soon... something for both Tommy and Summer!

"A study says that playing classical music is the best way to calm an anxious dog. Which interestingly enough is the same way to enrage a teenager."

And then of course you could enrage a few Facebook people with this one...

"Lady Gaga was photographed on a beach in Puerto Rico wearing a Miller Lite bathing suit. She recently gained 30 pounds so they had to take off the part of the slogan that says “less filling”."