Sunday, November 04, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that minorities in poor neighborhoods are less likely to receive CPR and survive a heart attack. Mostly because minorities in poor neighborhoods don’t usually live long enough to have a heart attack in the first place.

Concerns are being raised over possible exploitation of mentally disabled voters. Apparently there isn’t much that can be done since the law says even Tea Partiers have the same rights at the polls as everyone else.

Concerns are being raised over possible exploitation of mentally disabled voters. Although “mentally disabled voters” is becoming a politically incorrect term that is now being replaced by the more accurate label of “undecided”.

New York could extend the election because of Hurricane Sandy for another day and could end up waiting as long as 20 days to do it. To which Mitt Romney is protesting, saying he has a lot of stuff and needs to start moving it into the White House right away.

New York could extend the election because of Hurricane Sandy for another day if fewer than 25% of the electorate turns out. Of course, if more than 25% of the electorate decides to vote that’s when the investigations into voter fraud start.

New York could extend the election because of Hurricane Sandy for another day and could end up waiting as long as 20 days to do it. To which Chicago says “We were already doing that back in 1960.”

New Jersey voters who were affected by Hurricane Sandy will be allowed to vote by e-mail. Of course, any votes coming in from New Jersey will be directed right into the “spam” box.

Sunday marked the end of Daylight Saving Time, with people turning back their clocks an hour. With the electoral College and popular vote taking different paths, on Tuesday we might turn back the clocks all the way to November, 2000.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he fought for the cancelled New York City Marathon to be run. However, there was going to be a problem separating the Marathoners from the people running because there is no gas or transportation to be found in the city.

The head of FEMA says he bases an area’s recovery from a disaster based on if the local Waffle House is operating. Apparently if people are risking eating at a Waffle House, it’s time to send in the National Guard.

A rally in Iran showed little concern for the upcoming election in the U.S. Apparently they feel if Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush didn’t invade their country, there isn’t a chance that Romney or Obama will.

Storm weary gamblers have reappeared at the reopened Atlantic City casinos. Apparently once the gamblers saw that Donald Trump’s hair had survived the storm they knew the casinos were back in business.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the Euro debt crisis will last another five years or more. The only question is “or more” meaning 10, 20 or 100 years?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the Euro debt crisis will last another five years or more. To which economists are saying they aren’t quite sure if the U.S. debt crisis will last another five decades, five generations or five centuries.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the Euro debt crisis will last another five years or more. The way to tell if a debt crisis is really bad is when even the U.S. stops asking to borrow money from your country.

A man is suing a New York church after a 600 pound cross fell on him, crushing his leg. The man says his lawyer is going to go after than church and crucify them.

FEMA as 9,000 disaster assistance employees, but only 700 qualify for federal health insurance benefits. The other 8,300 will find out what a real disaster is once they get sick and have no health coverage.

Groupon stock has fallen to an all time low just a year after going through an IPO. The stock hasn’t recovered even after the coupon company offered a two for one share redemption slip in the Sunday paper.

Towns along the New Jersey coast are hoping to rebuild before the summer tourist season. The towns have suffered cataclysmic damage from two consecutive disasters, Hurricane Sandy and the cast from “Jersey Shore”.

A study says that painkillers are not as addictive as once thought. In other words, you may have a fight trying to take Oxycontin from an abuser, but you are on your own when you try and take chocolate from a woman.

David Hasselhoff says his favorite “Baywatch” babe of all was Carmen Electra. Apparently she was the only one who would accept his invitations to eat hamburgers off the living room carpet.

Kirstie Alley says that John Travolta was the “love of her life”. Well, the love of her life right after cheesecake, ice cream and Oreos.

John Cusack is developing a movie where he will play Rush Limbaugh. The only problem is writing a script where Limbaugh is constantly running in the rain and playing romantic songs on a boom box.

Michael Vick is pointing his finger at the media for speculation he might be benched as the Eagles’ quarterback. In the first six games, not only has he thrown eight interceptions and lost five fumbles, he has also bitten two mailmen.

New Orleans Hornets Head Coach Monty Williams ripped the NBA for their strict policy on concussions, saying they are acting like the players are “wearing white gloves and pink drawers”. To which Dennis Rodman says “You mean they’re not?”

IBM and the Cleveland Clinic have put supercomputer Watson to work in medical training. The only problem is that Watson is still only programmed to answer everything in the form of a question.

Cellphone users in the northeast are upset about hit or miss service in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. To which AT&T customers are saying “There’s a problem?”

The Philadelphia 76‘ers have unleashed the world’s biggest T-shirt cannon on their fans. The cannon can take more than 100 shots per minute. Which still falls well short of the team record still held by Allen Iverson.

Joe Biden and a crowd he was speaking to in Colorado became agitated about a very low microphone audio level. Apparently the crowd was upset that they could still hear what Biden was saying.

Both presidential campaigns have totaled 1.1 Million TV commercials in just 13 states, costing $730 Million to air them. Meanwhile, the other 47 states that aren’t battleground sites have so far netted a total TV ad revenue of $12.75.

Election day is coming up on Tuesday. That means the race for the White House for 2016 starts Wednesday.

Sarah Palin has donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign. The worst part is that she has already filed it as a deduction on her tax form as “charity”.

Officials say that crime has fallen by a third in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. The muggers and drug dealers have all left the area because of the storm. All that is left are the looters and price gougers.

A 14 year old Chinese boy has earned an invitation to play in the Masters golf tournament. The worst part is that if he wins, the next year’s Champions’ Dinner will be a Karaoke party.

A 14 year old Chinese boy has earned an invitation to play in the Masters golf tournament. The only problem is that he wants to make it worth his while and be paid in Yuans, not dollars.

Study says that slouching can make a person sad. Mostly from having their mother tell them two hundred times a day to “Stand up straight!”

The FAA is recommending inspection of some airline seats that have a tendency to come loose. Especially the ones that were recently sat in by Kevin Smith, Steven Segal or John Travolta.

The Statue of Liberty will be closed for the “foreseeable future” following Hurricane Sandy. Apparently it will be reopened when the cleanup is completed and if Habeus Corpus is ever reestablished.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tuesday is election day. Just remember, no matter who wins we are probably all screwed anyway. So do your civic duty, and that means making sure to send the love this way!

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