Friday, November 30, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


General David Petraeus says of his affair that caused him to resign as head of the CIA, “I screwed up royally.” The question is, when is he going to admit the same thing about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Zurich, Switzerland is set to build drive-in “sex boxes” where people can take prostitutes and stay out of sight of the public. Americans are all in favor of drive-thru sex boxes, as long as you can get a cheeseburger at the same time.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested at a New York City bar for reportedly punching a woman in the face. It’s nice to see that at least for now she has stopped using vehicles to injure people.

A study says the U.S. birth rate is at a record low. It’s getting so bad that MTV is changing its show to “14-18 and Pregnant”.

A study says the U.S. birth rate is at a record low. It’s the economy. How are men going to get someone pregnant when they can’t even afford to take them out on a decent date?

An Indiana man is going to have the Romney-Ryan tattoo he had drawn on his face removed. Even Mike Tyson was telling him he should really think about that one before going through with it.

An Indiana man is going to have the Romney-Ryan tattoo he had drawn on his face removed. Either that or he’s going to try to convince everyone his other car is really a Rolls Royce.

CNN Worldwide has hired former NBCUniversal head Jeff Zucker to take over its operations. Apparently his first move will be to bring back Larry King to take over Wolf Blitzer’s program but Blitzer will switch to a program aired right before King.

CNN Worldwide has hired former NBCUniversal head Jeff Zucker to take over its operations. He says everything will be fixed just as soon as he can get Katie Couric to agree to come on board.

CNN Worldwide has hired former NBCUniversal head Jeff Zucker to take over its operations. He is already familiar with dealing with problems like the ones at CNN. They are pretty much the same ones he brought on over at NBC.

Syria has shut down Internet access across the country. The move could affect as many as three people in Syria who actually have Internet capable computers.

A 15 year old Afghan girl was beheaded after rejecting a marriage proposal. The sad part is that her suitor bought her a really nice hat to go along with the engagement ring.

A 15 year old Afghan girl was beheaded after rejecting a marriage proposal. It’s probably a good thing she said no. That marriage was headed for trouble at some point down the road.

Starbucks has introduced its priciest coffee at $7 a cup. And they mean just the cup. To put coffee in it costs an extra $4.50.

President Obama met privately with Mitt Romney at the White House for lunch. It just became a bit annoying when Romney kept remarking about how much better his China, utensils and staff were at home.

An Indiana man facing foreclosure won a $1 Million prize in Powerball. It’s always good to see a man with a plan to get out of debt who sticks with it.

The oldest Hippie commune, The Farm which was started in 1971 in Tennessee is still in operation. The commune has added modern amenities over the years, and if things go well this year, they hope to maybe even install a bathtub.

The Ford Fusion was named the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. The Chevy Suburban wanted to enter the competition until they found out that Green Car of the Year was not based on its paint color.

Fast food workers in New York City are protesting for higher wages and to unionize. Of course, if they unionize that will change their job description from “fast food worker” to “You’ll get your food when it’s ready!”

A study shows a surge of bad disease genes showing up in Europe. If rudeness, poor personal hygiene and arrogance could be considered diseases, we would know those genes migrated straight in from France.

Researchers say they can predict which babies will be obese when they are older with just a few calculations. The first question they ask the parents is “Are you from Alabama or Mississippi?”

A poll says that a majority of Americans are satisfied with their own health care costs. There is a word for those people. Healthy.

A study says that voters who backed President Obama and those who supported Governor Romney can’t agree on health care issues. Which makes sense since Romney and Obama themselves didn’t agree on anything.

An ultrasound video shows twins inside a womb seemingly fighting each other for space. How fat are our kids getting that they need bigger living quarters before they are even born?

Michael Jordan was banned from a Florida country club for wearing cargo pants that he refused to change. Actually, he wasn’t banned. He was just told he could come back in 20 years when cargo pants come back in style.

Michael Jordan was banned from a Florida country club for wearing cargo pants that he refused to change. Actually, he wasn’t banned. He was just told he and his cargo pants were welcome any time in 1996.

French actor Gerard Depardieu was arrested for DUI on a scooter. Have you seen how fat he has gotten? The amazing part of that story is that he was able to actually fit on a scooter.

French actor Gerard Depardieu was arrested for DUI while riding a scooter. Or as that is known in France, “riding a scooter.”

Michael Lohan says his daughter Lindsay is “out of control.” When Michael Lohan says you are out of control, it is like Kim Kardashian saying you need marriage counseling.

Lindsay Lohan’s assistant says she “needs help.” Isn’t that what she has an assistant for?

San Antonio Spurs coach Greg Popovich benched Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili because they were tired, which brought the threat of substantial sanctions from the NBA. The league says the fans want to see stars. Which doesn’t explain why anyone still goes to watch the Clippers.

NASA says it is still too soon to declare if there is life on Mars. With the way the economy and Congressional budget negotiations are going, it may be too soon to declare if there is any life at NASA.

A study says that lightning related deaths are dropping in the U.S. Who would have thought that kids sitting on the couch all day playing video games and never going outside could be a life saver?

A poll says that nearly half of all Americans support the legalization of marijuana. The other half were too stoned to answer any questions from the poll takers.

A study says that people are more likely to check their cellphones for texts and e-mails if  they are with someone who has just done the same. If they aren’t with someone who has just done that, they will send them a text so they will get one back that they can check.

A Consumer Reports carrier survey says that Verizon is the best wireless carrier while AT&T is the worst. Actually, they are just assuming AT&T is the worst because they couldn’t actually get any calls through to AT&T customers to ask about their service.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of November. That means it’s time to pay all my bills. From July. 1986. Just living the American dream! Hope you all have a great weekend and don’t forget to send the love!

1 comment:

DH said...

These crack me up!!!