Thursday, November 29, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Authorities say for the first time in recent memory, no one was shot, stabbed or lashed in New York City on Monday. How bad is it when even the criminals are having to pawn their weapons to get by?

Authorities say for the first time in recent memory, no one was shot, stabbed or lashed in New York City on Monday. Apparently it was the result of not one rap concert being scheduled that day.

Several churches are making up for lost revenue by renting out their steeples as cell phone towers. Churchgoers seem to like it because they can now get a good enough connection to text with their friends during the sermon.

Cubans will have to pay income tax for the first time in more than 50 years. Economists were shocked. Cubans have an income?

Chicago bears receiver Brandon Marshall says some NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Although it makes for some awkward moments for the center when the quarterback lines up behind him for the snap.

Brandon Marshall of the Chicago Bears says some NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. It’s easy to tell who they are, especially when they have to stand sideways to keep from being offsides.

A man in India has fathered a child at the age of 96. The worst part is that he has from now until he’s 114 to put together a decent college fund.

A man in India has fathered a child at the age of 96. Apparently he confused Viagra pills for blue M&Ms.

The U.S. has suspended BP from any new federal contracts. Did someone actually have to take six years to think about that and then make it an official government action?

The U.S. has suspended BP from any new federal contracts. Apparently now that the Gulf is finally cleaned up it’s someone else’s turn to create an ecological disaster.

New Jersey is seeking $37 Billion in federal aid for recovery from Hurricane Sandy. New Yorkers are thinking that money would be best spent just paving the entire state.

The U.N. says that sea level has risen 60% faster than projected. Which means the sea level still only went up about two inches from 1993-2011. The only problem is making one inch square sandbags to keep all that surging water under control.

An Australian widow left her neighbor $12.5 Million. Apparently her family lost out on the fortune when they baked her a Vegemite birthday cake.

A radio host in Peru is still broadcasting a children’s show at the age of 97. The kids love him. They take their nap at the same time, enjoy the same kind of baby food and he sings a nice little jingle while they all get their diapers changed.

Unemployment rates have fallen in half of the largest U.S. cities. There aren’t any more jobs, it’s just that people have left to find work somewhere else.

The U.N. says that 2012 sill be among the top nine hottest years ever. Especially feeling the heat is Karl Rove who spent all those billionaires’ money in the election and got no one elected.

The U.N. says that 2012 sill be among the top nine hottest years ever. For example, in Idaho the farmers are shipping out potatoes out of the ground that are already baked.

An international economic group says the debt crisis could plunge the world into recession. Or is it that the recession has pushed the word into its debt crisis?

IKEA will open its biggest U.S. store that will cover 22 acres. The trick will be to actually find all the parts of the chair or bed you are buying before having to call for a search party.

Lottery experts say that strategies do little to enhance a person’s chances of winning. Before I start calling someone a lottery “expert”, let’s see them pick the right numbers a few times first.

Lottery experts say that strategies do little to enhance a person’s chances of winning. Apparently they can increase the odds from “impossible” to “ridiculously hopeless”.

Lottery experts say that strategies do little to enhance a person’s chances of winning. How much strategy can be involved in picking six numbers at random?

United Airlines is suing a passenger’s complaint website about the airline. Apparently they are claiming a website full of complaints about United is pretty much an exact copy of United’s own website.

A dish at an L.A. restaurant is listed on the menu for $1,200. And of course, it’s always the one that catches the eye of your date.

A dish at an L.A. restaurant is listed on the menu for $1,200. The worst part about ordering it is having to pay the snotty waiter who serves it a $240 tip.

A poll says that six in ten Americans are in favor of a tax hike for any income over $250,000. The other four didn’t respond because they have forgotten the actual meaning of the word “income.”

The CBO says that extending unemployment benefits could save 300,000 jobs. Mostly for all the people who are working at the unemployment offices.

A report says Hawaii is the most expensive state in the U.S. in which to buy a house. The least expensive place to buy a house is wherever next door to Lindsay Lohan happens to be.

A report says Hawaii is the most expensive state in the U.S. in which to buy a house. Which explains why they all wear grass skirts and eat a lot of Spam.

Cyber Monday sales were up 17% this year. Although with all the women hogging the household computers that day, several porn sites nearly went out of business.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein was giving advice to the White House about how to deal with the fiscal cliff. Apparently next week’s guest is Kim Kardashian on how to make a marriage last forever.

A study says that 64% of Americans have called in sick right after the office holiday party. Although it wasn’t specific if they called in because they drank too much, hit on the boss’ wife or told their supervisor what they really thought of him.

A study says that 64% of Americans have called in sick right after the office holiday party. The other 36% just wish they had an office to go to in the first place.

A study says that women prefer skinny guys over masculine men. If that’s true than why haven’t we seen Pee Wee Herman on the People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive cover yet?

A study warns of toxic flame retardants on most couches. Which sounds bad but it’s the only thing saving many husbands from being incinerated by their wife while they watch fourteen straight hours of SportsCenter.

A study says that belly fat is bad for men’s bones. Mostly when their belly is so big their doctor can’t find any bones in the first place.

A study says that belly fat is bad for men’s bones. How obese are we getting that our bones are breaking under the weight of our fat?

Bobbi Kristine Brown, daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown was in a car crash where her car went completely off the road. Apparently driving ability is in people’s DNA.

Charlie Sheen says that the show “Two and a Half Men” is cursed. Is he kidding? They have been on CBS for ten years. Making it past three episodes on CBS makes a show eligible for syndication.

Ben Affleck has been named Entertainment Weekly’s “Entertainer of the Year”. He probably won’t feel so good about it when he realizes he beat out Justing Bieber, Kim Kardashian and the Youtube piano playing cat.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial is nearing and her lawyer is complaining that she is being “handcuffed” to Kris Humphries. If she actually was handcuffed to Humphries, the marriage might have lasted longer than 72 days.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial is nearing and her lawyer is complaining that she is being “handcuffed” to Kris Humphries. She’s lucky she isn’t handcuffed and taken away any time she tries to act.

Portland Trail Blazer guard Damian Lillard says he is afraid of statues. It’s just a good thing Shaquille O’Neal retired before he got into the league.

California Congressman Darrell Issa is calling for a two year ban on any Internet laws. Or as congressmen call putting off any work for two years, “business as usual.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! December is only two days away. The big question is should I start my Christmas shopping now or put it off and hope that whole Mayan Calendar thing makes it all unnecessary in the first place? All I know is that no whatever happens in December, make sure to always remember to keep sending the love!

2 comments:

tc said...

Watch out, Scarlett Johansson is coming after your job. haha

Anonymous said...

Hi there! I κnow this iѕ kіnd оf off topіc but I was wondering if you knеw where I
could finԁ a captcha ρlugin for my commеnt fοrm?
I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having ԁifficultу findіng one?
Thanks a lot!

HTTP://www.Ufodigest.com/users/i80еquiρment
Also visit my web blog ; bucket trucks for sale in florida