Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Black Friday gun sales set a record high this year. Mostly for people who were getting ready to go do their Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart.

German is set to ban sex with animals. Although most men would rather just be celibate than have to resort to having sex with German women.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that Hurricane Sandy will be more costly than Hurricane Katrina. Mostly because a lot of the damage to New Orleans from Katrina was chalked up to “urban renewal”.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that Hurricane Sandy will be more costly than Hurricane Katrina. Mostly because the government actually spent money in helping out the areas affected by Sandy.

800 New York City apartments are still without power from Hurricane Sandy. The tenants don’t mind, though because without a power bill they now can almost afford to pay the rent.

A vomiting virus sweeping Great Britain is up almost 50% in the number of people it is affecting. Health officials are worried about how strong the virus is if it can make people vomit who normally have no problem keeping down British food.

Warren Buffett says that raising taxes on the rich would “raise the morale of the middle class.” To which most Americans are asking “What middle class?”

A Georgia Congressman says that members of Congress earn their $174,000 yearly salary. And everyone thought Al Franken was the only comedian elected to Congress.

A Georgia Congressman says that members of Congress earn their $174,000 yearly salary. Apparently he is basing it on the fact that if Kim Kardashian is being paid $18 Million a year, that can justify just about anyone’s paycheck.

Tax negotiations in Congress are reportedly likely to include the possibility of doing away with the mortgage deduction. Which is fine with the 95% of Americans who either can’t afford to buy a house or have seen theirs go into foreclosure.

A Belgian man is divorcing his wife after 19 years of marriage when he found out she was born a man and had a sex change. Apparently he became suspicious when she would never give up possession of the remote control.

Long Islanders kept getting their usual power bills despite having no power for days and even weeks following Hurricane Sandy. Which proves that the only creatures that would survive a nuclear war are roaches and power company billing departments.

A Florida man is being charged with killing a teenager over playing music too loudly in a convenience store parking lot. Apparently the man didn’t realize it is only legal to shoot people over music at a rap concert.

Former “West Wing” star Allison Janney’s home was sold after going into foreclosure. It’s ironic that she played a character who works in the White House which hasn’t been foreclosed even after getting $16 Trillion behind in payments.

A report says that the number of first time home buyers is down. Mostly because they saw that all the first time home buyers in the past five years are now first time tent buyers.

A report says that consumer confidence is at its highest point since 2008. Which is like saying that Cubs fans’ confidence is at its highest point since their last World Series win in 1908.

Home prices across the country have risen for the sixth month in a row. Apparently owners are figuring if they can’t even give them away they might as well raise the prices to make themselves feel better.

Kim Kardashian has topped Justin Bieber as the most searched person on Bing in 2012. The question is, does anyone even really need to search anything to find Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber?

Kim Kardashian has topped Justin Bieber as the most searched person on Bing in 2012. Now the question is how do you make them both go away?

Chrysler is introducing a macho mini van that is built for men. What they don’t understand is that putting army boots on a soccer mom still doesn’t make for an image most guys are looking for.

Chrysler is introducing a macho mini van that is built for men. They can make it four wheel drive with 18 cup holders and a deer carcass tied to the front and it is still something no one wants to drive into a sports bar parking lot.

A Florida man has been arrested for killing his roommate for stealing his food. That shows that roomies really need to be very specific about matters like that when setting up the territorial ground rules.

A study says that smiling men can make women act subordinate. Well yes, maybe if you are George Clooney.

A study says that smiling men can make women act subordinate. Especially if they are smiling because they just bought a brand new Ferrari.

A study says that afternoon surgeries result in a higher rate of nausea, vomiting and post operative pain. Mostly because the hospital business office hands out patient bills after lunch.

A study says that afternoon surgeries result in a higher rate of nausea, vomiting and post operative pain. Mostly because right after surgery it’s time for the hospital to start serving dinner.

Consumer Reports is sounding the alarm about the safety of eating pork. Apparently they realized how dangerous it is when even Taco Bell doesn’t have it on the menu.

An English woman who thought she had a kidney infection was actually in labor. Doctors were afraid to ask her what she was doing that ended up making her pregnant.

A study says that green tea is the best beverage to boost a person’s brain power. The worst is still Colt 45.

A study links high fructose corn syrup with diabetes. Apparently researchers’ first clue was the fact that it contains the words “high”, “fructose” and “syrup”.

A group of gay men and their mothers are suing a New Jersey conversion therapy group that claimed it would make them heterosexual. The best evidence against the group is that the men couldn’t sue without bringing their moms along.

A study says that drinking grapefruit juice with some medications can be deadly. Of course, the way the pharmaceutical business operates some medications are deadly if they are taken with water, milk or Hi-C.

A study says that drinking grapefruit juice with some medications can be deadly. That is bad news for the three people who actually still drink grapefruit juice.

Some Brooklyn residents are venting at Russell Crowe who has taken over neighborhoods ravaged by Sandy while shooting a new movie. However, they are just glad it wasn’t a Kevin Costner movie since the worst thing to follow a hurricane would be another bomb.

Some Brooklyn residents are venting at Russell Crowe who has taken over neighborhoods ravaged by Sandy while shooting a new movie. The real problem is that it’s hard to tell which hotels were trashed by the hurricane and which ones were trashed by Crowe.

Before he died, Larry Hagman said that “Dallas” helped end Communism in Romania because people who watched the show there decided they wanted to get jobs, make money and be rich. Which means that it would be a good idea to start showing reruns of the TV show in Mississippi and Alabama.

A DNA study says that Bigfoot is part human. Apparently to get their proof they performed the test on the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and his housemaid.

Scientists have built an artificial dog nose to help sniff out explosives. The only problem is that they haven’t figured out how to keep it from constantly burying itself into the operator’s crotch.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Power Ball jackpot is now up to $500 Million. That’s just about big enough to warrant me spending $2 to take a shot at it. You know some trailer dweller in Tennessee will win the big prize. What do you call a lucky white trash who has $500 Million just fall into their lap for no reason? Britney Spears. If you can’t send me the luck, at least remember to send the love!

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