Monday, November 26, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. says it will leave 10,000 troops in Afghanistan after 2014. Apparently the military figures if we stay there long enough Afghanistan will finally admit defeat just to get us to leave.

The U.S. says it will leave 10,000 troops in Afghanistan after 2014. Mostly because if Mitt Romney had won the military had already budgeted to keep at least that many troops in the Middle East to invade Iran.

A report says the U.S. planned to blow up the Moon with a nuclear weapon in the 1950s during the Cold War to scare Russia. They then decided it would be scarier to say “We are going to nuke Uranus.” (Old, juvenile but always funny!)

A report says the U.S. planned to blow up the Moon with a nuclear weapon in the 1950s during the Cold War to scare Russia. Either that or President Eisenhower was afraid of being attacked by a werewolf.

Pravda says that President Obama was reelected by an “illiterate society”. The White House says that isn’t true. President Obama didn’t win any of the southern states.

Some churches are offering concealed weapons training in order to attract new members. Apparently they aren’t concerned that seven of the Ten Commandments can be done in by the 2nd Amendment.

The State of Florida is offering gift cards in exchange for young women taking a personal sex survey. Apparently the cards are good at any Bed, Bath and Wherever Else You Do It.

Pediatricians are pushing to give younger teenage girls birth control pills. Although they are being sued for potential damages by the producers of “Teen Mom”, “Teen Mom 2” and “16 and Pregnant”.

Warren Buffett is calling for a minimum tax on all millionaires. To which people are complaining that compared to everyone else, millionaires are already paying pretty much the absolute minimum tax.

A study says that smoking “rots” the brain. Mostly from being smacked on the head every time they try to light up near a militant non-smoker.

Authorities have broken up a scam where over a 15 year period teachers in Arkansas, Mississippi and Tennessee paid money to have stand-ins take their competency tests. The only question is where did they find anyone in those states who could pass those tests?

Japan is introducing 310 mph trains that float above the tracks. We have had those for years. Amtrak trains often go more than 300 mph above the tracks right before they derail.

A Chicago woman has racked up $105,000 in parking fines. Apparently her defense is that she always parked where there were signs that said “Fine for parking”.

A Chicago woman has racked up $105,000 in parking fines. That serves her right for leaving her car for a few minutes in Oprah’s private parking space.

Humboldt State University in California has formed a Marijuana Research Institute. Otherwise known as the campus dorm rooms.

Humboldt State University in California has formed a Marijuana Research Institute. Apparently the students who enroll are eligible for a special nine year degree program.

A Rhode Island police officer is being investigated for making some boy suspects do push ups. Apparently calisthenics now are classified as “cruel and unusual punishment”.

A survey says the gifts in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” now would cost $107,300. Not to mention the alimony that comes with handing out five gold rings these days.

Americans spent $59 Billion over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. And by the looks of things, at least $58 Billion of that went towards preparing Thanksgiving Dinner.

A memo says that New Jersey revenues must rise by 10% in order to meet the state’s budget goals. Much of that was already achieved by the money the state will save on having to tear down the eyesores that Hurricane Sandy destroyed.

The NFL has seen triple digit growth in the sale of women’s apparel. Mostly because due to triple digit weight gain, many women can only fit into NFL size jerseys.

EBay has hit an eight year high in activity. Mostly because people are having to sell all their stuff due to twelve years of being broke.

A study says that men are better than women at finding their cars in a crowded parking lot. Mostly because their sixth sense kicks in because they are so desperate to leave after being dragged around the mall for eight straight hours.

A report says that most Americans are happily overweight. Although not as happy as stockholders in McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s.

A report says that most Americans are happily overweight. Mostly because they never get grouchy from being hungry.

A study says that bounce houses injure a U.S. child every 46 minutes. As opposed to U.S. adults who are bounced out of a house every 46 minutes from foreclosure.

Former “Real World” star “Puck” has been sentenced to two years in prison for stalking a woman. He is about to find out about a whole different “real world” the first time he drops the soap in the shower.

“Southern Living” magazine has hired George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna to attract younger readers. In a related story, “Highlights For Children” magazine has hired George W. Bush so they can also attract some younger readers.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly given Lindsay Lohan $100,000 to help her pay her back taxes which amount to $233,000. The question is, how did Lindsay Lohan ever make enough money to owe $233,000 in taxes?

The founder of ‘80s music group Depeche Mode says that someone should shoot Simon Cowell for what he has done to music. That isn’t news in itself except it the first time anyone has ever given an actual reason for wanting to shoot him.

Justin Bieber was booed by Canadian football fans for a performance during a game. Entertainment experts were shocked. How did adult football fans even know who Justin Bieber is?

Angus T. Jones, the “1/2” in “Two and a Half Men” says the show is “filth” and that people shouldn’t watch it. The only real filth involving Jones is the $350,000 per episode that he is paid to become filthy rich.

Technology being used in football helmets may be used to protect the military. Soldiers are all for the idea as long as the helmets don’t have the Cleveland Browns logo on them.

A survey says that texting and taking photos are the most popular uses for cell phones. In fact, most people are surprised when they find out they are called “cell phones” because they actually can be used to make phone calls.

A survey says that texting and taking photos are the most popular uses for cell phones. And sometimes they are even done by people who keep their clothes on when they do it.

The final tally from the presidential election shows that Mitt Romney finished with 47% of the vote. So he was right that 47% of the people were going to be responsible for his defeat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is less than a month until Christmas. The holidays are just like the presidential election. People can’t wait for them to arrive just so they don’t have to hear any more advertisements about them. All I am asking for Christmas is that you continue to remember to send the love!

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