Sunday, November 25, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Danica Patrick is divorcing her physical therapist husband of seven years. Apparently she blames him for never rehabilitating her accelerator foot so that it can press all the way down.

Danica Patrick is divorcing her physical therapist husband of seven years. Patrick will have to learn to live with her $12,000,000 a year income, losing their combined total of $12,040,000 a year.

A Florida woman was arrested for driving 100 mph while blasting her horn, saying God told her to do it. How come God never tells these people to go and volunteer at a soup kitchen or donate some time at a homeless shelter?

Clint Eastwood says he thought about getting out of show business during the height of his popularity in the ‘70s. Apparently he was talked out of it during a conversation with an empty chair.

 The Ugandan President has repented for personal and national sins including idolatry, witchcraft, dishonesty and intrigue. No one even knew that Christine O’Donnell came from Uganda.

A Maryland woman was arrested for stabbing her brother in the neck with a fork during Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently she felt he was done.

A Maryland woman was arrested for stabbing her brother in the neck with a fork during Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently the turkey wasn’t the only one who took it in the giblets.

Prince Charles says he is “running out of time” to become the King of England. What else do the Royal Family member have but time?

Prince Charles says he is “running out of time” to become the King of England. Apparently he is getting impatient to make the move from sitting on a polo pony to sitting on the throne.

A vending machine in California dispenses caviar, truffles and escargot. It’s so expensive that a Nestle $100,000 Bar actually costs $100,000.

A vending machine in California dispenses caviar, truffles and escargot. The sad part is seeing someone who gets their order stuck in the machine ramming it with their Rolls Royce.

Larry Hagman, who played J.R. Ewing in “Dallas” has died at age 81. Not to say he was getting old, but in the recent remake of the show there was an episode titled “Who cut the brake lines on J.R.’s Rascal?”

An Alabama lawmaker is pushing a bill that would allow people to take guns to work. Which is about as necessary as passing a law there saying it’s OK to marry your cousin.

The NHL has canceled their All-Star Game as well as the regular season through December 14th. The move could be a disaster in NHL cities. Not for the players, but for all the dentists and oral surgeons that could be forced out of business.

The NHL has canceled their All-Star Game as well as the regular season through December 14th. The move could cost broadcasters of the games to lose as much as $300 in commercial revenue.

New Jersey estimates that Hurricane Sandy caused $29.4 Billion in damage to the state. Or as people in neighboring states call it, $29.4 Billion in improvements.

The Postal Service is testing same day delivery in San Francisco. Which means a package mailed on December 4, 2012 will be delivered on December 4, 2015.

Two people were shot in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Florida on Black Friday. People were shocked. How bad has it gotten that people can’t even wait to get into the stores to start shooting on Black Friday?

4D scans show that fetuses yawn in the womb. Which means even unborn infants are bored at having to look at baby pictures.

A poll says the average U.S. adult weighs 176 pounds, which is 15 pounds heavier than in 1990. Maybe it’s not a bad thing that Hostess Twinkies went out of business.

A poll says the average U.S. adult weighs 176 pounds, which is 15 pounds heavier than in 1990. What’s worse is that the poll was taken before Thanksgiving which means you can add about another seven pounds to that total.

A study says that more people get flu and pneumonia shots when they are coordinated and given by nurses and not doctors. Mostly because doctors like to give the shots in the patients’ backside to make sure they brought their wallet with them.

A Miami woman has died after being in a coma for 42 years. Otherwise known as 21 terms in the House of Representatives.

A Miami woman has died after being in a coma for 42 years. Or as that is otherwise known in Miami, “retirement”.

A study says that late term sex does not induce labor. The only sex that really induces labor is the sex that happened nine months earlier.

Psy’s “Gangnam Style” has become the most watched video ever on Youtube. It beat out Justin Bieber’s “Baby”, a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Doctors say that vocal surgery on Bjork was a success. Which apparently means she won’t be able to sing anymore.

The number of people buying vinyl records has prompted a need for more turntables. Most people under 30 years old know a “45” as something you use to rob a liquor store.

The number of people buying vinyl records has prompted a need for more turntables. To which people under 30 are saying “You mean some people actually buy music?”

The number of people buying vinyl records has prompted a need for more turntables. When it comes to music, if you are younger than 33 1/3, you have no idea what “33 1/3” even means.

2012 could break the record for the fewest number of tornadoes since records started in 1950. The reasons given, depending on whom you talk to are global warming, global cooling and the Mayan calendar.

Texas is experimenting with a $10,000 bachelor’s degree. Or as that is known in the state that gave us George W. Bush and Rick Perry, a complete ripoff.

Texas is experimenting with a $10,000 bachelor’s degree. Many colleges already offer a $10,000 bachelor’s degree. The tuition is $100,000 and the actual framed diploma when you graduate costs $10,000.

California and a handful of other states are the only ones still teaching handwriting in school. Mostly because it is hard to print a sign big enough on a computer that says “Will Work For Food”.

A study says that men eat meat because it makes them feel manly. Also because vegetables just keep falling through the grates when you try to grill them.

A study says that men eat meat because it makes them feel manly. Especially while they are eating it while watching their fourth consecutive football game after not having bathed for three days.

The USDA says that Americans throw away 35% of all the turkey meat they buy on Thanksgiving, not including the bones. Mostly because everyone is so eager to get away from the dinner table as fast as possible so they don’t have to talk to all their relatives.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. On a personal note, I just completed my 1 Millionth jump rope jump for the year, doing 4,000 a day six days a week. Which should just about counter everything I ate over the Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend. Now I just need to figure out how to get out of this chair. In the meantime, you can always show your thanks by sending the love!

1 comment:

DH said...

1 million jumps - WOW!