Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The TSA says that holiday cakes and pies will be subject to additional screening. Apparently agents will go through any suspicious looking desserts with a fine toothed fork.

The TSA says that holiday cakes and pies will be subject to additional screening. Although everyone knows the only dessert that can actually be used as a lethal weapon is a fruitcake.

Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo has resigned from “Sesame Street” over a second allegation of sex with a minor. Producers only comment so far has been “Oh, no! No mo’ Elmo!”

Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo has resigned from “Sesame Street” over a second allegation of sex with a minor. Even Elmo has been getting a little nervous with Clash being described as “the man behind Elmo”.

A study says that airplanes are full of bacteria. If they think it’s bad now, just imagine how bad it was when they used to serve inflight meals.

A study says that airplanes are full of bacteria. What’s bad is that even the bacteria are complaining about how packed it is on Southwest Airline flights.

The Massachusetts State Highway Safety Director is being criticized for her driving record that includes seven accidents, four speeding tickets and two failures to stop for police. Apparently she has already been offered a job by the auto industry as a crash test dummy.

Tufts University has rescinded the honorary degree it bestowed on Lance Armstrong. Not only that, they also took back the trading card they installed in his spokes and bike bell they presented to him.

Tufts University has rescinded the honorary degree it bestowed on Lance Armstrong. Not only that, they are taking back the bike basket he gets to carry it around in.

A study says that people living in the tropics die an average of seven years earlier than those who live elsewhere. Mostly from Cuban cigars, Jamaican rum and Belize marijuana.

A study says that people living in the tropics die an average of seven years earlier than those who live elsewhere. Let’s see you try to outswim a hurricane once you get past age 40.

Oxygen masks had to be deployed when a Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City to Dallas lost cabin pressure. Fortunately most the people onboard had the $8 cash the airline charges for emergency oxygen consumption.

Banks are hiring more people for home loans now that the U.S. housing market is rebounding. Actually, all they are doing is transferring them over from the foreclosure department until the economy goes bad again.

A public interest group has conducted its 27th annual toy survey and says there are still dangerous toys on the shelf. Apparently number one on the list is the new “What are you wearing?” phone call Elmo doll.

Unemployment fell in 75% of all states in October. Apparently most of those hires were for businesses who were making a fortune gouging customers following Hurricane Sandy.

A study says the number of people 75 or older in the workforce is increasing. Otherwise known as people who wanted to retire at age 55 back in 1992.

A study says the number of people 75 or older in the workforce is increasing. Otherwise known as what we will all be doing when we are 75 and older.

A study says the number of people 75 or older in the workforce is increasing. Which just shows there is no discrimination in the workplace at McDonald’s or Wal-Mart.

A study says people are more likely to die in a traffic accident in a red state than in a blue state. Mostly from when the Confederate flag on the red state pickup truck comes loose and gets stuck on the windshield blocking the driver’s view.

A study says people are more likely to die in a traffic accident in a red state than in a blue state. Wyoming has the highest rate. Not from accidents, from getting lost and being eaten by a grizzly bear or bobcat.

The IRS says all it takes to make it into the top 1% of American income is to gross $370,000 a year. The best way to get in the bottom 1% is to invest that $370,000 in Facebook stock.

A study says that eye problems rarely cause headaches in children. Except for when the children with eye problems fail to see the bullies approaching who keep giving them atomic wedgies.

A study says that caffeine helps the brain process positive words faster. Processing negative words faster is still done better with the help of a wife or girlfriend.

A study says that younger students are more likely to be prescribed medication for ADHD. Which will then be taken from them and abused by the older kids.

A study says that the average adult gets 100 calories a day from alcohol. And about 1,000 calories from alcohol at night.

The Mall of America in Minneapolis has banned teenagers from shopping alone on Black Friday. Which could be a mistake because with parents still trying to recover from the recession, teenagers are the only ones who still have spending cash these days.

“Stiletto surgery” is becoming popular where women actually have their pinky toes removed so it’s easy to wear fashionable shoes. The only problem is when they need their fingers and toes to figure out how much those shoes cost.

“Stiletto surgery” is becoming popular where women actually have their pinky toes removed so it’s easy to wear fashionable shoes. The best part is that women don’t have to go to an expensive plastic surgeon. There is usually a guy with a knife in the mall food court who will do it for a McDonald’s Value Meal.

A study says people really are as old as they feel, with people who feel positive about aging recovering 44% faster from a severe disability. Unfortunately, a severe disability makes most people feel 92% older in the first place.

A study says people really are as old as they feel, with people who feel positive about aging recovering 44% faster from a severe disability. Mostly so someone who is actually younger won’t take their place while they are off the job recovering.

A group of doctors says that birth control should be sold over the counter without a prescription. The way things are going, they are going to have to start making it available in the gumball dispensers at elementary schools.

Actor Rowan Atkinson says he is going to retire his Mr. Bean character as he is too old to play him anymore. Apparently he remembers the early days when he invented the character and was just a sprout.

Danica Patrick is divorcing her husband of 7 years. He is 17 years older than she is. The worst part is that she informed him of the split with a text that said “Go, Daddy”.

A study says that playing video games can give kids the skills they need to be a skilled surgeon. The only problem is when they play Mortal Kombat and want to slice off the head of the patient they just saved in surgery.

A study says that playing video games can give kids the skills they need to be a skilled surgeon. Apparently playing “Grand Theft Auto” gives kids the skills to become a successful health insurance executive.

An aide to former General David Petraeus says that the sex scandal will be a “blip” on his record. Just like President Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was just a spot on her dress.

Ron Paul says that secession is a “deeply American principle.” Well, at least fighting another Civil War would be a lot less expensive than flying our troops halfway around the world to the Middle East.

Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker says he will live for a week on food stamps. Of course he is just planning on selling them for cash on the black market to go get some Big Macs at McDonald’s.

Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker says he will live for a week on food stamps. Or as they call people getting food stamps in New Jersey, “the 1%”.

A campaign worker for failed Senate Candidate Linda McMahon says he was paid with a  condom and a bad check. Which meant he actually got screwed twice.

A San Francisco board has voted to ban public nudity. Which means that even on a hot day everyone is going to have to at least suffer the chaffing of wearing the minimum of their leather G-string and dog collar.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. Most of all, you can give thanks that these jokes won’t be back until Monday. I will be taking off until then and I hope you get some time off as well. Just remember to give thanks for what you have, and always remember to send the love!

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