Sunday, November 18, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A California man was arrested at Oakland International Airport for wearing a strange looking watch. Apparently TSA agents who were under 30 had never seen a watch before.

Long Island residents are dealing with 100,000 cubic yards of garbage piled up by Hurricane Sandy. It’s getting so bad that the entire area may be annexed by New Jersey.

A New York prosecutor is apologizing for lying about acting in porn films back in the 1970s. Porn stars across the country are apologizing that their profession has been tainted by people knowing that one of them is now a lawyer.

A company that makes marijuana dispensing machines saw its stock go up 3,000% after pot was legalized in several states. The stock that went up even more was for companies that make the vending machines for snacks that will be placed next to them.

A Pennsylvania teenager suffering from Sleeping Beauty Syndrome recently slept for 64 straight days. Which parents of other teenagers diagnosed as being a teenager.

Mike Ditka is reportedly OK after suffering a stroke. Apparently it was easy to spot the symptoms. He started acting just like he did when he was coaching the Chicago Bears.

A study says that hospital noise can make it difficult for patients to rest and recover. Apparently the worst noise is the screaming that happens when other patients get their hospital bills.

A box of now defunct Hostess Twinkies sold on eBay for $60. Apparently people are in no hurry to buy them as they know they will still be available and OK to eat in 2050.

A poll says that a majority of Americans are upbeat about the next four years. Mostly because they won’t have to see any presidential debates or commercials until then.

A poll says that a majority of Americans are upbeat about the next four years. Mostly because they have been so beat up for the past 12 years.

An analysis says that banks may be shrinking for good as they have laid off 160,000 people since last year. That has happened because people’s bank accounts have been shrinking for good since 2007.

Butterball Turkeys has been accused of cruelty to animals by an activist group. They are also being accused of cruelty to humans for how much more obese Americans will be getting from eating Thanksgiving dinner.

An analysis says that the health care system wastes $765 Billion a year. However, it’s a lot less if you don’t count the salary and benefits of all the health care company CEOs.

A set of California triplets set a world’s weight record with a combined birth weight of more than 20 pounds. Which anymore is pretty much about the same weight for most single birth babies.

A Maine man has been hospitalized after a severe case of the hiccups has caused him to lose 14 pounds. Doctors are waiting until he’s in for a few more days before they can scare the hiccups away by showing him his hospital bill.

A study says that smoking while pregnant is being tied to lower reading scores. And that’s just for the mothers who apparently can’t read all the warning labels on cigarette packs.

A study says that air pollution may cause dementia in older brains. Which is good for Dodger fans who find the smog helpful in forgetting that their team hasn’t won the World Series since 1988.

A study says that early puberty may heighten the heart attack risk for women. Mostly for moms who go into shock when they find out their young daughters are already pregnant.

Kate Gosselin is denying that she is self funding a pilot for a reality show she is trying to sell. Most people are hoping she will self fund a pilot and a charter plane that will take her to some other country.

Reports say that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez may be getting back together. Gossip columnists are now trying to decide if they should be called JusGo or GoBer.

Bobby Brown has pleaded not guilty to DUI in Los Angeles. At least he has proven critics wrong who said he couldn’t even get arrested in L.A. anymore.

Lucille Bliss, the voice of Smurfette has died at age 96. Ironically, as opposed to Smurfette she had white skin and blue hair.

Joan Rivers was mistaken for an undocumented alien by authorities while filming in England. Which is different than most other places where she is mistaken for a mannequin.

Prince Philip says he is frustrated by “impossible” jewelry clasps. Apparently cuts in the Royal Family budget have forced laying off all the Royal Jewelry Clasp Snappers.

Prince Philip says he is frustrated by “impossible” jewelry clasps. And who says life is easy being a member of the Royal Family?

The Philadelphia 76ers’ center Andrew Bynum was hurt while bowling. Apparently no one told him a 360 reverse jam was just something that was done in basketball.

The Philadelphia 76ers’ center Andrew Bynum was hurt while bowling. If nothing else, at least it was nice to see an athlete injured in an activity other than gun play or drunk driving.

A former UNC employee claims that academic fraud was rife among athletes. To which NCAA officials breathed a sigh of relief knowing at least they aren’t having to deal with another Penn State.

A former UNC employee claims that academic fraud was rife among athletes. What’s next, revelations that some of the students on campus drink and have sex?

A Mayan Doomsday “safe zone” on a French mountain is being shut down by officials on December 21st to keep people from crowding at the site. Apparently the French have already reserved the area for the French Army to retreat to for self protection.

A dating site experimented by putting up an attractive woman’s picture along with a sociopathic profile full of red flags and found it was still inundated with romantic messages. Apparently most the men thought they were attempting to meet Lindsay Lohan.

A dating site experimented by putting up an attractive woman’s picture along with a sociopathic profile full of red flags and found it was still inundated with romantic messages. Apparently most men just figured it would be just like getting back with their ex-wife.

A survey says a 3% pay raise should be the norm for most employees in 2013. Although the employees that were laid off and are making nothing can brag they are getting a 100% raise.

A survey says a 3% pay raise should be the norm for most employees in 2013. Which doesn’t sound that bad except for the fact that they are doing 300% of the work of all their fellow employees who were let go.

A survey says that Gen Xers feel they will never make up the lost ground they suffered in the economic collapse. Mostly because their Baby Boom parents that have been supporting them all along won’t make up the ground they suffered in the collapse either.

A report says that evidence indicates that astronauts could survive on Mars. Most of them say they would rather take their chances there than trying to survive in Detroit.

A report says that evidence indicates that astronauts could survive on Mars. In fact, most of them already picked Lisa Nowak as the astronaut they would like to send up there to find out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a few more days until Thanksgiving, and I’m already dishing out a turkey for you. Just make sure you remember to give thanks that this isn’t required reading, and that you always take some time to send the love!

No comments: