Thursday, November 15, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Scientists have used a brain scan to communicate with a Canadian man who has been in a coma for more than a decade. It worked so well they will use the technique to try to communicate with Jessica Simpson.

Scientists have used a brain scan to communicate with a Canadian man who has been in a coma for more than a decade. However the man refused to believe it was real and went back into a coma when he was told the Canadian dollar is worth more than the American dollar and that the U.S. elected a black president twice.

Sex therapists, who help people with intimacy and performance problems are seeing an increasing business in south Florida. Not sure about the intimacy, but there are definitely some performance issues with the Florida Marlins.

Sex therapists, who help people with intimacy and performance problems are seeing an increasing business in south Florida. Apparently men like being referred to as a “patient” rather than a “John” and have it called a “copay” instead of a “hustle”.

A study says that soccer players can get brain injuries by “heading” the ball. Although they are still not as brain injured as the fans who will sit through a three hour game that ends in a 0-0 tie.

A study says the hormone Oxytocin can help keep men in a monogamous relationship. It will soon become known as “the female roofie”.

A report says that terrorists could black out a large section of the U.S. by attacking our power grid. Or they could just wait for a moderate rain storm.

A study says there are 10,000 ID fraud gangs active in the U.S. Most are trying to figure out a way to make anyone believe that Cher is 45 years old.

A study says there are 10,000 ID fraud gangs active in the U.S. Otherwise known as college students who are trying to make it look like they are at the drinking age.

San Francisco motorists are test driving a fuel made up of 20% algae and 80% petroleum. Apparently it’s the same mixture created by BP’s Deepwater Horizon spill in the Gulf of Mexico. 

San Francisco motorists are test driving a fuel made up of 20% algae and 80% petroleum. If it doesn’t work in the cars it can always be served up as an appetizer at a vegetarian bistro.

George Washington University has been unranked by U.S. News & World Report because of overstated data of student performance. That could cost the school as many as all three people who still read U.S. News & World Report. 

George Washington University has been unranked by U.S. News & World Report because of overstated data of student performance. That and the fact they haven’t had a football team since 1967.

New calculations by the Census Bureau shows there is a higher rate of poverty in the U.S. than previously thought. In other words, the nation is made up of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and everyone else.

Xerox is set to lay off 2,500 employees. The worst part is that all the layoff notices were printed out on Xerox machines that the workers had assembled.

Xerox is set to lay off 2,500 employees. It was supposed to be only 300 but the Xerox copier got stuck in the “on” position and just kept printing them out.

A jobs website rates the best holiday job as Santa, and the worst as his elves. Apparently Santa just isn’t that good at sharing credit with the little people.

Warren Buffett says the fiscal cliff won’t trigger a recession. At least not until we get out of this depression.

Warren Buffett says the fiscal cliff won’t trigger a recession. At least not for anyone who is worth $40 Billion.

Health care premiums for employees increased at the smallest rate in 15 years. Mostly because there are fewer employees now than in the past 15 years.

Estimates are that Hurricane Sandy could cost insurance companies $25 Billion. And that’s just to cover the cost of claims put in by people who were price gouged after the storm.

A doctors group says that one third of all men in their 40s refuse to go to the doctor for an annual checkup. Apparently they figure they can get the same prostate exam at a gay bar and at least someone will buy them a drink first.

A study says that doing housework can help people live longer. Especially for men who make the mistake of telling their wife she looks like she has put on a few pounds.

A study says that doing housework can help people live longer. So who wants to live longer just to do more housework?

A UN report says that family planning and birth control is a human right. In fact, they go further to say that in Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan it should be a requirement.

An English boy was born with a rare condition where he is always smiling. Doctors are treating it as an emergency so he isn’t forced to display his crooked and decaying teeth his entire life.

A study says that drinking soda may worsen arthritic knees in men. Mostly when they keep trying to flatten the empty cans by stomping on them.

An 87 year old doctor in Illinois still charges only $5 for an office visit. The only problem is the entire visit consists of him taking your temperature with a rectal thermometer.

An 87 year old doctor in Illinois still charges only $5 for an office visit. The only problem is understanding what he is saying when he diagnoses you with consumption, dropsy and flux of humour.

A Denver woman has been convicted for faking PTSD to avoid jury duty. The jury let her have it, recommending the maximum term since she was the reason they got called in for jury duty.

Justin Bieber was ticketed in L.A. for making an unsafe turn and having an expired registration on his Ferrari. Apparently the officer did let him off for not being completely buckled into his car seat.

Justin Bieber was ticketed in L.A. for making an unsafe turn and having an expired registration on his Ferrari. Las Vegas is setting the odds at 3 to 1 that Bieber and Lindsay Lohan will crash into each other before the end of the year.

Stephen King and John Mellencamp are teaming up for a musical and album. Whatever they come up with, they have a long ways to go to beat “The Monster Mash”.

An Iowa athletic adviser is being accused of soliciting sex and money for tickets to football games. Unfortunately, with Iowa’s season going the way it is, so far he has been offered three kisses on the cheek and a coupon to Long John Silver’s.

Lance Armstrong has had his name dropped off his Livestrong charity. First he is stripped of his seven Tour de France championships and now this. Things have gotten so bad for him that even Mitt Romney sent him a sympathy card.

R.A. Dickey of the Mets has become the first knuckleballer to win the Cy Young Award. Which is not to be confused with Roger Clemens who was the first knucklehead to win the award.

The states with the most signatures on petitions to secede from the union took the most money in federal aid. Apparently the people of those states figured they would do even better once they got on the list of countries receiving foreign aid from the U.S.

A study says that people are more inclined to spend worn currency and hang on to new, crisp bills. In this economy most the bills are brand new since people are trying to hang on to whatever they have for as long as they can.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is coming up quickly. As a Raiders fan I am just thankful that we are doing better than the Chiefs. Although not too many others. That can be remedied by all of you remembering to send the love!

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