Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is calling for a “path to citizenship” for undocumented aliens. He is calling for the path to be built from the U.S. straight into Mexico.

A Montana state lawmaker is asking to be paid in gold and silver because he is skeptical about the future of the dollar. The people of Montana were shocked. Their lawmakers get paid?

A Montana state lawmaker is asking to be paid in gold and silver because he is skeptical about the future of the dollar. To which the members of Congress immediately asked if they could get paid in Chinese currency.

An Arizona woman ran over her husband in her SUV because of a voting dispute. To which Mitt Romney says “I know how he feels.”

An Arizona woman ran over her husband in her SUV because of a voting dispute. Her husband stood up for his rights, saying “Don’t put your tire tread on me.”

A labor fight with Hostess could kill off the Twinkie and Wonder Bread. And people say that unions have outlived their usefulness.

Airlines are facing the worst pilot shortage in decades. Apparently all the pilots they have now just want to be flying that planes that are in the air during happy hour.

Thai officials seized a pickup truck that was full of 600 deadly cobras. They then told the driver to carry on and have a nice day.

Thai officials seized a pickup truck that was full of 600 deadly cobras. The driver was glad he was caught because he was just about to go crazy since the cobras kept requesting that snake charmer song on the stereo.

A smaller than normal cocoa crop could make for a chocolate shortage soon. This could put thousands of relationships in danger without men being able to get their hands on chocolate to smooth over whatever it is they have done wrong.

Argentina has fined several electric companies for a large power outage. As opposed to the U.S. where the electric companies lose power for a week, then ask for a rate increase to make up for the lost billing.

The Chicago Tribune is naming the top employer in Chicago. It has to be the Cubs. They are still in business even though they are in an antiquated building, produce an inferior product yet still are able to attract loyal customers at inflated prices.

The Chicago Tribune is naming the top employer in Chicago. Ironically, ever since Sam Zell took over the Tribune they have had no choice but to name themselves as the worst employer in Chicago.

McDonald’s says the tough economy is the new normal. And for people forced to eat at McDonald’s because of the economy, bigger waistlines and poorer health are the new normal.

The Tesla S electric car was named Motor Trend’s Car of the Year. Although getting quite a bit of consideration for its reliability, economy and huge recent demand is the local city bus line.

Hurricane Sandy has boosted used car prices by $1,000 by destroying so much of the used car inventory. The worst part is the storm is now asking for a commission on all the higher prices.

Hurricane Sandy has boosted used car prices by $1,000 by destroying so much of the used car inventory. That could set a record for the amount of time consumer gouging is still going on after the storm is over.

Papa John’s Pizza is facing a class action lawsuit over sending spam e-mails. They are facing another lawsuit that says their pizza would taste better if they only used Spam for a topping.

AAA is predicting 43.6 Million Americans will travel at least 50 miles from their home over the Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend. And those are the ones who are taking off to avoid the relatives who say they are coming over to visit.

Medical experts say antibiotic resistance is becoming a big problem in certain regions of the U.S. Mostly around anyone who has had contact with Paris Hilton.

A study says that Transcendental Meditation is good for the heart. Especially when it is used to relax and get the mind prepared to read the cardiologist’s bill.

A study is urging prevention of genital injuries. Well, duh. It’s not like anyone is trying to go out and take a shot in the groin.

A study is urging prevention of genital injuries. The only problem is that if the potential for groin injuries is eliminated, it will kill the video camera business for people trying to get on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.

A study is urging prevention of genital injuries. The only good thing about a shot to the groin is that it makes the person pretty much forget about everything else in the world for ten to twenty minutes.

A study says that genital injuries are more common than dental injuries. And everyone knows what was going on when you get a groin injury while your girlfriend has a dental issue at the same time.

A study says that while migraines affect the brain, women’s migraines don’t affect their memory. Mostly because an atomic blast directly overhead will not affect a woman’s ability to remember anything that her husband has ever done wrong.

A study says the U.S. needs 52,000 more family doctors by 2025 to keep up with the population. The only problem is finding 52,000 people who are smart enough to get through medical school and dumb enough to think that working with family medicine will be a fun and rewarding career.

Former Creedence Clearwater Revival frontman John Fogerty is writing a book about his life. It was amazing that someone could be famous in two fields, as a rock and roll star and before that as the model for Dutch Boy Paints.

“Jersey Shore” cast member Vinny Guadagnino will get his own show on MTV called “The Show With Vinny”. When told he was getting a hybrid talk/reality show, he said “Hey, I don’t even know much about those electric cars.”

“Jersey Shore” cast member Vinny Guadagnino will get his own show on MTV called “The Show With Vinny”. Apparently they are taking the high road and just talking about getting drunk, tanning and getting into fights.

Janeane Garofalo says she was married for 20 years and didn’t know it. She and a boyfriend got married in Las Vegas for a jokes and didn’t realize it was legal. Which shows the secret to a long and happy marriage is not being aware it has even happened.

A study says that people viewing online will start ditching a slow loading video after two seconds. Although they will sit and wait for hours as long as it is a video of a cat playing the piano or a hamster eating a cracker.

A report says the CIA used waterboarding 266 times on two suspects. But they justified it as apparently that’s how they finally cracked the General Petraeus affair scandal.

Oxford University has chosen its word of the year in England as “omnishambles”. Apparently the only qualifications is that the word of the year be a word that no one knows the definition and would never use it in a thousand years.

Oxford University has chosen its word of the year in England as “omnishambles”. Which is not to be confused with what happened to Mitt Romney on election day, “Obamashambles”.

A voting precinct in Minneapolis is located entirely in a lake. And you thought your neighborhood had a lot of home mortgages that were underwater.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that Hurricane Sandy may force some tax hikes. In order to justify raising taxes in his state, the Governor is having Sandy officially registered as a Democrat.

Former vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan says that the election did not give President Obama a mandate. Well, it sure wasn’t a rousing endorsement for his party’s ideas, either.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just a few days away. I am sure I can speak for all of us when I say what I am thankful for is no more political ads for two years. I can also say I am thankful for whenever you all remember to send the love!


1 comment:

DH said...

"Mostly because an atomic blast directly overhead will not affect a woman’s ability to remember anything that her husband has ever done wrong."

DAMN STRAIGHT!