Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Kevin Clash, the voice of Sesame Street’s Elmo is denying having sex with an underage boy. He swears it never got past the “tickle me” stage.

Kevin Clash, the voice of Sesame Street’s Elmo is denying having sex with an underage boy. PBS says they have disciplined Clash already with a twenty minute time out.

An Egyptian jihadist is calling for the destruction of the Sphinx and the Pyramids saying they are forbidden idols. Apparently he also sees the country making money off tourism of the sites as just another pyramid scheme.

Gun sales have reportedly soared after President Obama was re-elected as people fear stricter gun laws. The President was right when he said re-electing him would give people a reason to create new jobs.

Wal-Mart employees will have to pay 8-36% more for health care in the coming year. Apparently that’s how much the price of band-aids and aspirins have been marked up in the past few months.

Wal-Mart employees will have to pay 8-36% more for health care in the coming year. Those are the higher paid managers. Fortunately, the hourly workers still qualify for the basic Wal-Mart plan known as Medicaid.

For the first time in the U.S., women drivers outnumber men. Which is scary knowing that three of those drivers are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

For the first time in the U.S., women drivers outnumber men. Mostly because so many men drivers have never been seen again after getting lost and refusing to ask for directions.

High water in Venice, Italy has flooded 70% of the city. The only question is how can they tell?

Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod says he wants to inspire young people to become journalists. Apparently he wants to continue to antagonize the Republican candidates even after the election.

Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod says he wants to inspire young people to become journalists. Apparently the Administration is going back on its word to try to concentrate on good paying jobs.

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary says seatbelts are meaningless on airplanes and that he wants standing room only flights. In fact, he’s trying to combine with UPS to give each passenger a couple of packages to hold through the flight and deliver after they land.


Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary says seatbelts are meaningless on airplanes and that he wants standing room only flights. Seatbelts are meaningless since they don’t fit around the average passenger anymore and what could be safer than to be cushioned during a crash by a cabin full of fat people?

A report says the U.S. will be the world’s top oil producer in five years. Mostly because the Middle East countries are tired of getting invaded every time they find a new deposit.

A report says the U.S. will be the world’s top oil producer in five years. Which is good as long as it isn’t being drilled by BP where half of it just goes right back into the ocean.

Computer anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted for murder in Belize. Apparently instead of trying to detect the thousands of viruses that are floating around the Internet, he has changed his strategy to just shooting the hackers.

Scientists say they hope President Obama continues to support research. The President is a big believer in scientific research. In fact, he wants to personally nominate Nate Silver for the Nobel Prize for mathematics.

100,000 Americans in 20 states have signed petitions asking that their states be allowed to peacefully secede. That’s a great idea in that it would automatically rid the U.S. of two fifths of its national debt.

A report says that thousands of consumers are being foreclosed on because of delinquent utility bills. How ironic is it to be underwater on a house but lose it because of an unpaid water bill?

A study says that presidents don’t age faster than the rest of the population. That’s because the house they live in is paid for, they don’t have to gas up the presidential limousine and they know they have a pension waiting in four to eight years.

A study says that smokers with children need to keep cigarettes out of the car. Apparently the smoke gets in their eyes and makes it harder to see what they are texting while driving.

A study says that itching is contagious like yawning. It’s also contagious if you have been near someone who has dated Paris Hilton.

Pepsi in introducing a fat blocking soda that contains fiber. To get an idea of how it tastes, just pour a can of Coca-Cola over a bowl of All-Bran and happy eating.

Research shows that wealthier families are more likely to have children with peanut allergies. Which is good in the fact that people who are working for peanuts have no problem eating them.

Workers groups are urging Maryland to pass required paid sick leave for workers. You can never be too cautious in protecting workers who are living that close to New Jersey.

Buckingham Palace says that when Prince Charles becomes King of England, Camilla will not be referred to as the Queen, but as “Princess Camilla”. That will change what used to be little girls’ dreams into nightmares.

Buckingham Palace says that when Prince Charles becomes King of England, Camilla will not be referred to as the Queen, but as “Princess Camilla”. Although Prince Charles will still call her “My trusty steed”.

Buckingham Palace says that when Prince Charles becomes King of England, Camilla will not be referred to as the Queen, but as “Princess Camilla”. After waiting fifty years for a chance at the throne, Charles doesn’t even care if everyone calls him Chuck.

Matthew McConnaughey has frightened fans by losing 30 pounds for an upcoming role. He is so thin that his shirt now just falls off him without him even trying to take it off.

Michael Lohan has taken a paternity test on a TV show to show he is not the father of a 17 year old London girl. All Hollywood is interested just to make sure there isn’t another potential Lindsay Lohan running around.

Justin Bieber says he “Doesn’t know what is going on in his life” concerning his breakup with Selena Gomez. He also doesn’t know what is going on in his life in picking a decent barber.

MTV has canceled the show “America’s Best Dance Crew” after seven seasons. Hollywood was shocked. How has that show lasted seven seasons?

MTV has canceled the show “America’s Best Dance Crew” after seven seasons. Apparently there wasn’t enough fighting, drinking or pregnant teenagers to hold an audience.

NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski was fined for tweeting during a race. Teenagers are being scolded for texting while driving, but apparently it’s OK for some people to send messages while traveling bumper to bumper at 200 mph.

The Energy Department’s new supercomputer Titan is now the fastest in the world. Apparently the computer can determine faster than any other computer how much energy the Energy Department is wasting while running it.

The Energy Department’s new supercomputer Titan is now the fastest in the world.  The sad news is that Watson has gone back into his storage area and is so depressed he has asked to be unplugged.

A weird looking meat eating sponge has been discovered in the deep sea. Any ten year old will tell you that sponges are meat eaters, and their favorite food is a Crabby Patty.

The Oxford American Dictionary says the word of the year is GIF, a type of computer graphic. Apparently it beat out “Obama’d” when you get beaten severely while not even having a clue it is coming.

A report says that text messaging has declined for the first time ever. Not coincidentally, Emergency Rooms are seeing more cases than ever of extremely swollen and sore thumbs.

A report says that text messaging has declined for the first time ever. Apparently people are giving it a rest after realizing they had pretty much forgotten how to talk to other people.

That’s it for now, oh Faithful Readers! Selena Gomez broke up with Justin Bieber. Too bad. Apparently she wanted to spice up their romance with some role playing and he just always wanted to be a Decepticon. So she’s not sending him the love anymore, but you can feel free to send the love this way!

1 comment:

Catherine said...

Nate Silver is pretty amazing... And anyone who watches baseball knows itching must be contagious...