Thursday, November 01, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A 10 year old student in New Mexico was accidentally tasered by a policeman at school on career day. Apparently that’s what happens when you stand in the line designated for “career criminal”.

The Tea Party has announced its own news site. How far to the right have you moved when even the Fox News Channel is considered too liberal to watch?

The Tea Party has announced its own news site. It will be so far to the right you will have to watch your TV sideways to see it.

The Tea Party has announced its own news site. It’s motto will be “Go ahead and change the channel...Commie!”

The latest estimates are that Hurricane Sandy could cost the U.S. $50 Billion in damage and lost business. Even BP had to admit they finally met their match.

A study says that the great white shark’s brain is similar to that of the human’s. To which anyone who is still living in debt because of their spouse’s divorce lawyer is saying “Tell me about it!”

The Egyptian government estimates that 10% of minors in the country are in the work force, some performing hard labor. No one even knew that Nike had opened up factories in northern Africa.

A Chinese government think tank is recommending an end to the country’s one child per couple policy. Apparently they want their people to have the same opportunity to be as rundown and in debt as the average American couple.

A Chinese government think tank is recommending an end to the country’s one child per couple policy. Apparently they feel that the next generation is going to need that many more people to make all the crap that Wal-Mart is selling.

Tempers were flaring as thousands of people were stranded in Hoboken, New Jersey from Hurricane Sandy. But then, everyone in Hoboken is usually referred to as being “stranded”.

A Chicago official has dropped his call for a five cent a bullet tax in the city. Apparently some local gun enthusiasts were talking about the possibility of having a rebate with his name on it.

Scientists have developed a bandage that won’t hurt the patient when it is removed. Which just took away the reason for half of all nurses to enter their profession.

The debate as to whether women should take antidepressants while pregnant has been rekindled by a review. Apparently most doctors say that women have plenty of time to get to use antidepressants once the child is born.

The “food police” are asking Disney to remove their characters from candy packets. And parents are asking Disney to remove their characters from 3-D movies that are costing them $15 a ticket.

Sewage, bacteria and gasoline has been found in the floodwaters around New York City. Which means that somehow it got mixed in with the drinking water supply from New Jersey.

Oliver Stone says that Hurricane Sandy is punishment for President Obama and Mitt Romney ignoring climate change. Apparently he changed from a film director to an Evangelical Preacher without telling anyone.

Oliver Stone says that Hurricane Sandy is punishment for President Obama and Mitt Romney ignoring climate change. Although others think it might be punishment for Stone’s movie “Alexander”.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood is engaged. He is 65 and his fiancee Sally Humphreys is 34. Or as Hugh Hefner calls her, “Granny.”

A poll says that Denzel Washington tops the list for the actor who should play the part of Jesus in a movie. Coming in second was Cheech Marin, but that was for people who thought they meant the role of Jesus the gardener.

Kelsey Grammer had to explain why he brought his infant daughter to a party at the Playboy Mansion. Apparently he figures as a child of a Hollywood Star she is going to eventually end up in Playboy Magazine somehow so she might as well get an early start.

The bass guitar that was smashed in the Nirvana video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” will be sold for as much as $40,000. The only instrument that would sell for more money smashed to bits would be Kenny G’s saxophone.

Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to the gay marriage effort. Ironically, Pitt made the gayest move of all time when he divorced Jennifer Aniston.

The new James Bond movie “Skyfall” has gotten the blessing from the Vatican. James Bond is the second most famous spy in Vatican City, next to the Pope’s former butler.

Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll is shooting down the notion that the University of Alabama football team could compete in the NFL. He says how can a college team compete in the NFL when NFL teams like the Cleveland Browns can’t even compete in the NFL?

Former Chicago Bear Richard Dent says that Mike Ditka is the reason the team didn’t repeat as Super Bowl Champions. To which Ditka says what really hurt the team was showing the rest of the league they had no coordination when they made the video for “The Super Bowl Shuffle”.

Hurricane Sandy knocked out 25% of all cellphone towers in 10 states. Which means that Sandy is now considered less annoying than the people it knocked off their cellphones in restaurants and movie theaters.

A report says that 13% of home networks in North America are infected with malware. The other 87% look at porn only while they are at work.

A research organization says that the total cost of the upcoming election will be $6 Billion. That doesn’t even begin to touch the cost after the new Congress convenes and spends us even trillions of more dollars into debt.

A study has determined which kids on Halloween are more likely to steal your candy. If you don’t hide it well enough, it’s usually your own.

A study has determined which kids on Halloween are more likely to steal your candy. Those are the good kids. The rest are more likely to steal your wallet or hubcaps.

GM says it plans to break even in Europe by the middle of the decade. Of course, the decade they are talking about is the 2250s.

GM says it plans to break even in Europe by the middle of the decade. And Europe hopes to break even by the middle of the next century.

GM says it plans to break even in Europe by the middle of the decade. Of course, that’s dependent on whether the Europeans give them some government bailouts, too.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Sandy is finally moving out to sea which still hasn’t answered the question. Which system produced more wind, Sandy or Joe Biden. When you figure it out, send me a note and make sure to include the love!

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