Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


It is Halloween, the scariest day of the year. The kids scare their neighbors into giving them candy, and then frighten their parents when they get the eventual dentist’s bill.

Disney is buying Lucasfilm for $4 Billion. The move came with the announcement that “Star Wars 7” will becoming out in 2015. Which gives geeks all around the world a reason to live another three years.

San Quentin State Prison in California is in a lockdown over chickenpox. That isn’t exactly what the inmates had in mind when they were hoping for a massive breakout.

Hurricane Sandy caused widespread flooding in New York City, even flooding out the subway system. Which means when the system reopens, passengers will be greeted with the fresh smell of salt water scented urine.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is rescheduling Halloween because of Hurricane Sandy. He may delay it until November 6th and combine the two scariest days of the year, Halloween and election day.

A school in Russia has transformed an airplane into a kindergarten classroom. The only thing the kids don’t like is having to take off their shoes to come to class and paying a fee for carry on backpacks.

A school in Russia has transformed an airplane into a kindergarten classroom. The only problem is that the school keeps losing the kids’ jackets, hats and gloves.

Hurricane Sandy is the year’s second most discussed topic on Facebook. The first was how many people lost their shirts buying Facebook stock.

UPS says it will hire 55,000 seasonal employees over the holidays. Which means those workers will wear the brown to make some green and get back into the black.

President Obama has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. He says he hasn’t ever seen such widespread destruction and desolation. He says just think what it looks like after the storm hit.

Price gouging complaints have been made by people in the northeast in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Mitt Romney says he agrees with the gouging as he has always been supportive of the free market system.

Price gouging complaints have been made by people in the northeast in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Then they realized $4 a gallon gas is just the oil companies’ every day gouging prices.

Hurricane Sandy may cause a slowdown in the economy, keeping millions of workers from getting to their jobs. Kind of like what Wall Street did to us in 2008.

A report says that truck driving jobs are hard to fill, even in a bad economy. It takes a certain breed of man who can handle a job which requires buying Preparation H and Tums by the case.

9 people have been arrested in a gambling ring involving Florida youth football. There should be a rule for sports gambling, that players shouldn’t be asked to shave points until they can actually shave.

The unemployment rate has fallen in 95% of U.S. cities. The other 5% of cities are in Michigan.

Disney is buying Lucasfilm for $4 Billion and will have have a hand in making any new “Star Wars” movies. Fans are worried that their first image on screen will be that of Darth Vader parachuting into a scene with an umbrella.

Disney is buying Lucasfilm for $4 Billion and will have have a hand in making any new “Star Wars” movies. Fans are cringing at the possibility that Wall-E is set to become C-3PO’s gay lover.

Disney is buying Lucasfilm for $4 Billion and will have have a hand in making any new “Star Wars” movies. There is one sad scene already written, where Hans Solo has to shoot Chewbacca after he contracts rabies.

Smartphones are being linked to a higher rate of teen sex. Apparently teenagers can’t afford the old fashioned way of getting in the back seat of the car ever since gas went up to $4 a gallon.

Smartphones are being linked to a higher rate of teen sex. Which is ironic since the only kids who are geeky enough to really understand how to work the phones still can’t get a date.

A study says that depression and stress cause women to lapse in their use of birth control. If they thought they were depressed and stressed before, wait until they get pregnant and get to take care of that baby for 18 years.

A New Jersey woman gave birth in a truck as Hurricane Sandy closed in. Or as that is called in Mississippi, “natural childbirth”.

The Octomom has checked into 30 day rehab for prescription pill addiction. She’s not really addicted to pills, she just needs to get away from her 14 kids for a month.

The Octomom has checked into 30 day rehab for prescription pill addiction. She left her 14 children with a nanny. At the end of the 30 days, they will trade places.

The Octomom has checked into 30 day rehab for prescription pill addiction. Apparently they don’t make just one pill to cover everything that goes along with raising 14 children.

Hurricane Sandy’s intense rain and storm surge shut down production of Russell Crowe’s filming of a movie about Noah. I believe that is the absolute definition of “irony”.

Hurricane Sandy’s intense rain and storm surge shut down production of Russell Crowe’s filming of a movie about Noah. Crowe gave up trying to fight the storm when even throwing a hotel phone at it had no effect.

Chuck Berry at age 86 says his singing days are past. Which at age 86 you are doing pretty well if the days of everything aren’t past.

Chuck Berry at age 86 says his singing days are past. Which must be depressing to Justin Bieber knowing that he will be saying the same thing at age 19.

The cast of “Jersey Shore” reacted to the destruction of the town of Seaside where they shot much of the show. They were just sad that Hurricane Sandy was able to accomplish in three days what they failed to do in six years.

The NCAA has approved tougher sanctions for rule breakers. Apparently they have hired a nun who will smack them on the hands very hard with a ruler.

A jeweled iPad Mini case is selling for $700,000. For that much money why not just hire Apple CEO Tim Cook to follow you around and answer all your questions?

Al Gore says that Hurricane Sandy is a “disturbing sign” of things to come from using dirty energy. Although still not as disturbing as the popularity of Kim Kardashian, Honey Boo Boo and Snooki.

A survey says that most homeowners are without flood insurance. Mostly because they don’t need it since most of them didn’t have mortgage insurance either.

Former FEMA Chief Mike Brown is calling out President Obama for speaking too soon about federal disaster relief success for Hurricane Sandy and that he should have waited. In fact, people in New Orleans are still waiting to hear from Brown about Hurricane Katrina.

A study says that menthol cigarettes are more addicting for children. Apparently it starts with chewing on those candy cigarettes, progresses to menthol and pretty soon it’s Camel non-filters.

The Giants-Tigers World Series had the lowest Series TV ratings in history. Even during the 1994 lockout more people were watching replacement showings of “All American Girl”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! For Halloween I am dressing as a San Francisco Giant, then will shoot myself just for the satisfaction. Sandy gave us all a scare but not like the AEP bill we will be getting once the crews get power restored. All I need to get through this is to have you all remember to always send the love!


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