Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that intelligent people drink more alcohol. Mostly because they have a better understanding of just how bad things have gotten.

A study says that intelligent people drink more alcohol. Which is why people who are looking for an intellectual conversation always hang out at bars.

A study says that intelligent people drink more alcohol. Which means the next time you see a group of winos hanging out in an alley, you should treat them with a little more respect.

Marines and police in San Diego are preparing for a mock zombie invasion. Apparently that means we have pretty much run out of terrorists to fight.

Marines and police in San Diego are preparing for a mock zombie invasion. Not only that, but the TSA is trying to develop a screening device to identify the un-dead.

Hurricane Sandy caused 14,000 flight cancellations. Of course, 12,000 of those were American Airlines flights that would have been canceled anyway.

Federal offices in Washington, D.C. were closed on Monday because of Hurricane Sandy. Even Congress couldn’t compete something generating that much wind.

Federal offices in Washington, D.C. were closed on Monday because of Hurricane Sandy. Apparently the people working in the emergency services will be back when the emergency is over.

A new U.N. “atlas” links climate change with disease outbreaks. Every time Al Gore mentions global warming, Republicans go into involuntary convulsions.

A study says that smoking bans cut the number of people suffering heart attacks and strokes. Mostly the non-smokers who don’t have to pop a blood vessel screaming at anyone who even tries to light up.

UPS says that holiday shipping will be up 10% this year. If Internet shopping gets any bigger, kids will forget all about Santa Claus and Christmas will be all about the man in the brown truck.

Chrysler quarterly profits went up 80%. Mostly because they are just leaving out 80% of the parts when they put their cars together.

Hurricane Sandy caused the stock market to close on consecutive days for the first time since 1888. Which shows that even Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns were no match for the forces of Mother Nature.

Toyota topped the Consumer Reports survey on reliability. Toyota has always been reliable, it’s just that they ran into that problem when their cars reliably went from zero to 60 for absolutely no reason.

New York City hotels prepared for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy by handing out water and games to guests. The hotels are ecstatic about people being stuck in their rooms as they know profits will go through the roof as people are forced to raid the mini-bars.

Hospitals are working on “ouchless” Emergency Rooms for children so they won’t be afraid of doctors. The only pain involved is when their parents get the hospital bill.

A study says that children who get migraine headaches do worse in school. Especially when the migraines come from getting atomic wedgies.

A study says that children who get migraine headaches do worse in school. Either that or kids who do worse in school get more migraines from having to listen to their parents and teachers constantly telling them they can do better.

A study says that overweight teens are at a higher risk of suffering kidney failure in midlife. Although it’s pretty safe to say if you’re already fat as a teenager you aren’t going to be the model of health when you are older anyway.

Sherman Hemsley from “The Jeffersons” has still not been buried three months after passing away. Apparently his casket is still waiting to be “Movin’ On Down”.

A drunk neighbor of Tom Cruise was arrested at the actor’s Beverly Hills home. Apparently the neighbor was bored and wanted to see if Cruise would jump on the couch with him for awhile.

A new TV show called “Underemployed” has premiered on MTV. It sounds pretty much like a sequel with the “Jersey Shore” cast once their show went off the air.

Levi Johnston has married Sunny Oglesby, the mother of his second child. Sorry to have to tell all you ladies that another quality man has been scooped up off the market.

A study says the desire to turn to God for explanations of disasters is a human urge. Kind of like how the economic meltdown was cause by Wall Street executives who all thought they were God.

A report says that 15% of American voters have already cast their ballots. Political scientists were shocked. 15% of Americans still vote?

A report says that 15% of American voters have already cast their ballots. The only problem with voting early is that you can’t change your vote after one candidate gets caught in bed with a hooker and the other gets busted taking bribes.

The portrait ceremony for former Defense Secretary Robert Gates went on as scheduled despite Hurricane Sandy. People were amazed. Why are we hanging portraits of Defense Secretaries?

Hurricane Sandy has threatened to cause $20 Billion of economic damage. Or as they call that on Wall Street, “Tuesday”.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that people stranded in Atlantic City who didn’t heed warnings to evacuate are “on their own”. Which is pretty much the warning given to anyone going to Atlantic City at any time.

Scientists are saying that exposure to light can help fight many diseases. If nothing else, it can sure help when it comes to fear of the dark.

Polls say that Americans are feeling better about the economy. Apparently it’s easy to forget about things like that with a thousand mile wide storm breathing down your neck.

Polls say that Americans are feeling better about the economy. Which just means we have come to the final stage of grief, “acceptance and hope”.

Studies show that early intervention helps overweight kids grow up slim. If a kid is overweight apparently the intervention wasn’t early enough in the first place.

The MGM Grand Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas has 42 “stay well” rooms to keep their guests feeling well. The best way to stay feeling well is not to go to a city that takes your money and fills you up with cheap food and free booze.

The MGM Grand Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas has 42 “stay well” rooms to keep their guests feeling well. The best way to stay well in Las Vegas is to not let your wife find out about any of the things you did in that room.

Airlines collected $36 Billion in feels in 2012, more that the $32.5 billion they collected last year. Apparently they have now finally figured a way to have the pilot do a barrel roll during the flight and then collect all the spare change that falls out of fliers’ pockets.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Giants won the World Series. Just another reason for me to hate Detroit. This just ruins my year. The only way to get me out of my Dodger lovin’ Giants hating funk is to make sure to send the love!

2 comments:

DH said...

I think the real problem with voting early is that you're still subjected to election commercials!

Catherine said...

Um, Jim... Read this again... How did they collect money in "feels"?? Sounds like TSA ...

Airlines collected $36 Billion in feels in 2012, more that the $32.5 billion they collected last year. Apparently they have now finally figured a way to have the pilot do a barrel roll during the flight and then collect all the spare change that falls out of fliers’ pockets.