Sunday, October 28, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Hoboken, New Jersey has been rated as the top singles market in the country with more than half the population living alone. Mostly because it is impossible to get anyone else to come to live in Hoboken.

Cash4Gold is being sold for pennies on the dollar after going into bankruptcy. Prospective buyers are asked to send in a blank check and the company will fill it out for the amount they think the company is worth.

Citigroup has fired their top technology analyst over the Facebook IPO. Although the company denies he was fired, they say he has just been “defriended”.

Paul Ceglia is being arrested for fraud in his attempt to claim half ownership of Facebook. Although after the stock value crashed following the IPO, he is only being charged with petty larceny.

Toyota has widened its global sales lead over GM. Apparently GM sales slipped when they mistakenly counted on the Detroit Tiger players using the money they would get from winning the World Series Championship to buy some new cars.

Sambazon is disputing the caffeine content rating on their energy drink by Consumer Reports. Apparently the rating was raised after the reporter who did the research wrote the entire magazine, sold all the advertising in and cleaned the building in 45 minutes.

12 Neiman Marcus McLaren race cars priced at $345,000 apiece sold out in just two hours. Apparently people bought the cars knowing they could drive them at top speed since the highways are empty now that no one can afford to buy gas anymore.

Vermont, Idaho and California are among the top states with the most patents. Mostly because there just aren’t that many patents turned in for snow removal equipment, potato peelers and Botox injections.

An MIT graduate student says that an Earth killing asteroid could be deflected by using paintballs. If that doesn’t work there is always laser tag, water guns and Nerf guns.

An MIT graduate student says that an Earth killing asteroid could be deflected by using paintballs. If that doesn’t work, they may send up an attack force made up of several angry birds.

Paul McCartney says that Yoko Ono wasn’t responsible for breaking up the Beatles. Apparently they knew it was over when the only gig they could get was a free concert on a roof.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all casinos to be evacuated in advance of Hurricane Sandy. Apparently the government stepped in when the casinos were taking even money bets on their buildings making it through the storm.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all casinos to be evacuated in advance of Hurricane Sandy. It has nothing to do with the storm. Apparently Christie got mad when the casinos started taking bets against him winning re-election.

A study says that doctors should listen to their intuition when diagnosing children’s illnesses. Like they should always assume something is really wrong when a child complains of being ill on a weekend, before a party or when there is no test coming up at school.

A study says that women who have a stable rather than a sexy guy as a partner are more likely to have negative feelings towards him just before ovulation. And pretty much after ovulation and all the rest of the time.

The U.S. government is planning on sponsoring two nationwide health insurance plans. If the government runs it like private health insurance companies, the federal deficit should be completely wiped out in about two years.

The Agriculture Department has cut its estimate of the amount of sugar the average American consumes each year by 20 pounds. Apparently they are cutting back to make room for an extra 20 pounds of fried chicken, hamburgers and bacon.

A study says that lifelong smoking cuts women’s lives by a decade. Which most women see as a gift if it gets them out of ten years of picking up after their husband and children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will star again as Conan. Not to say Arnold has aged, but instead of “Conan the Barbarian” it will be as “Conan the Septuagenarian”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will star again as Conan. The movie studio thinks that people might have trouble accepting him in that role again given his age and shape, but they figure they have a lot better chance of making money than redoing “Jingle All The Way”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will star again as Conan. Not to say he is out of shape and old, but apparently in the movie he gets beaten in a fight by Conan O’Brien.

The Discovery Channel is showing a special called “Flipping the White House”, about the process of transitioning from one president to another. To which the Fox News Channel says “We thought of it first!”

The Discovery Channel is showing a special called “Flipping the White House”, about the process of transitioning from one president to another. If Mitt Romney wins the election it will be retitled “Flip Flopping Into The White House”.

Current TV is considering putting itself up for sale. That’s what happens when you put Al Gore in charge of trying to keep people entertained.

Current TV is considering putting itself up for sale. Not to say the ratings are bad, but even NBC is sending them a sympathy card.

Bravo is developing a show about the 1980 cola wars between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. The only problem is that in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg will only allow it to run for 12 minutes at a time.

Bravo is developing a show about the 1980 cola wars between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. So if it isn’t bad enough to have to watch TV commercials all night, now you can watch a show about TV commercials in between the commercials.

Spike TV is airing a show that will offer $10 Million for proof of Bigfoot’s existence. They have a better chance of giving the money away for that than if they made the same offer about proving the existence of Andrew Dice Clay.

Rod Stewart claims in his autobiography he used cocaine suppositories. Apparently his nose was so big he was afraid he would suck up the whole coke pile in one sniff.

Rod Stewart claims in his autobiography he used cocaine suppositories. Which must make the person who used the straw after him pretty sick about now.

More than a million Facebook users’ information was sold online for just $5. Apparently the buyer only ended up with the deeds to 25 Million acres worth of fake farmland.

A New York Times article says that smartphones have turned our society into “ill-mannered flakes”. Which means the rest of the country is now just like New York.

Spending for the presidential campaign has topped $1.7 Billion. Which means two men have spent nearly a billion dollars each to tell us how they are going to help the country get its finances under control.

A report says that after the 2000 presidential election, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton wanted to scrap the electoral college. Of course, during the election the electoral college and the popular vote was pretty much scrapped anyway by the Supreme Court.

A study says that childhood hardship can build self control. Which is good news for at least the next five generations of American children.

A city in North Carolina has had toxic chemical contamination for the past six years with no warnings. Or as they call that in New Jersey, “New Jersey”.

An airport in Gary, Indiana has a $3 Million yearly operational budget even though it only handles one regular flight. Apparently the airport feels it can’t spend enough in security when dealing with people who actually want to go to Gary, Indiana.

Honda is introducing a car made just for women. Maybe it’s the first made just for women, but just try to find one straight guy driving around in a Volkswagen Beetle convertible.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Halloween is just a few days away. So far the best costume I have seen are the political candidates who are pretending like they actually care about what is happening to this country. But no matter who you are regrettably voting for, make sure you always remember to send the love!

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