Friday, October 26, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

People along the New Jersey coastline are boarding up in anticipation of the arrival of Hurricane Sandy next week. It’s the first time the area has had to board up since the cast of “Jersey Shore” moved in.

A 20 year old student in Brazil sold her virginity online for $772,000. In the U.S., that usually goes for a dinner at Burger King and a bottle of Ripple.

A 20 year old student in Brazil sold her virginity online for $772,000. Which apparently is how much it cost the person paying the fee to lose his.

Boeing successfully tested a microwave missile that knocks out electrical devices without killing anyone. Apparently they know that by taking out computers, cellphones and video games they can win a war by boring people to death.

A poll says that most Americans want less foreign involvement. If they really wanted to see less foreign involvement in this country, they would stop shopping at Wal-Mart.

A poll says that most Americans want less foreign involvement. Not the government. Their company that is looking for a way to send their job to China.

A professor at MIT says that trains face a greater threat from terrorism than planes. The one thing he isn’t counting on is that even terrorists are scared to death to get on an Amtrak train.

Pippa Middleton is coming out with a new book on how to party. Prince Harry had the same idea only he didn’t have to write it out. A few naked pictures of his Las Vegas romp going online got a lot more attention than any book.

Hospitals are starting to take food waste and turning it into mulch to feed hospital flowers. Which are then placed on the graves of the people who actually did eat the hospital food.

An analysis says that Americans will have it tougher in 2013 with rising prices and higher taxes. Most Americans aren’t too worried since they have no chance of even getting through the last couple of months of 2012.

LG will begin selling an 84 inch Ultra HD TV that will be priced at $20,000. People will then be able to watch is super clarity all the business channels showing their stock portfolio crashing and burning.

LG will begin selling an 84 inch Ultra HD TV that will be priced at $20,000. Is it really worth that kind of money to be able to count the pimples and nose hairs of the person reading the news?

The presidential campaigns are spending about $10 in commercials for every registered voter. Most people would rather just give them the ten bucks and not have to watch any more political spots.

President Obama admits he drove a Chevy Volt around the White House grounds. Considering the cost of the GM bailout that trip ran a little over $3 Billion a mile.

Magic Johnson’s personal flight attendant claims she was fired for being seven minutes late for a flight. This is the same Magic Johnson who owns the Dodgers where the first fans don’t even arrive until the third inning.

Coinstar missed its projections for the third quarter. The business is based on people turning in their spare change for paper money. The only problem is that in this economy, spare change is called “the household budget”.

A report says that money market fund assets are up to more than $2.5 Trillion. Which means the wealthy have plenty of cash to sock away in money markets while the middle class is just hoping to have enough money left over to go to the market.

Researchers are warning that online gambling could be luring children to start to gamble. Most parents aren't concerned. They would rather have them lost a few dollars playing poker online than be looking at porn or getting stalked on myspace.

Studies show that most people wash their hands incorrectly. How can you not know how to wash your hands? What are they doing, rinsing in the toilet bowl?

Studies show that most people wash their hands incorrectly. Apparently the proper method is to hold your hands between your knees while sitting on the bidet.

Studies show that most people wash their hands incorrectly. There’s a word for people who don’t wash their hands correctly or wash them at all. Men.

Experts say that pet obesity is becoming an epidemic, with 54% of cats and dogs overweight. The good news is that very few pets get fattening table scraps any more since most Americans pretty much lick the plates clean at every meal.

Consumer Reports says that energy drinks may be underreporting the amount of caffeine in their drinks. Suspicions were raised when researchers were unable to read the caffeine amount on the can after drinking it because their eyeballs were shaking too hard.

A study shows that some steroid shots can actually raise the risk of fractures. Just like how Barry Bonds took steroid shots and it fractured his chances of making it into the Hall of Fame.

A study says that music lessons can’t teach perfect pitch. However, Britney Spears and Ashley Simpson learned they could at least always sing on key by taking lip synch lessons.

Axl Rose says he is leaning towards President Obama but will not vote in the election. Apparently he treats voting like a performance and always shows up three hours too late.

Sequoia, the world’s most powerful supercomputer has been able to simulate the human heart with incredible accuracy. The only problem is that it was discovered Sequoia’s blood pressure and cholesterol levels are too high and it needs emergency bypass surgery.

A new impact sensing sports cap can measure the extent of head injuries. For instance, if you are hit in the head so hard that the cap is now two sizes too large for you, there might be a problem.

Britney Spears could spend $1 Million or more on a libel trial against her family. Apparently her former manager is suing Spears’ mother for defamation, saying he was the one who taught her how to sing and dance.

Congress’ approval rating is at 21% ahead of the elections. Political experts were shocked. Who are the one in five voters that think Congress is actually doing a good job?

A study says that 10% of campaign donors send the money in via cellphone. Mostly so they can donate without having to talk to a campaign worker who will also try to goad them into making calls, handing out flyers and registering voters.

A study says the looming “fiscal cliff” is already hampering the U.S. economy. Americans aren’t worried about falling off the cliff as much as dealing with the long, tough climb back up after hitting bottom.

Meat Loaf has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He has already reworked the lyrics for the Romney campaign theme to “I’d Say Anything For Your Vote”.

A study says that four healthy habits that will lead to a long life are not smoking, moderate drinking, regular exercise and eating fruits and vegetables. To which most Americans are asking “Can’t we just do some waterboarding instead?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am worried about the Series with the dreaded Giants taking the first two games. This could be a rough weekend ahead. Better make extra sure to remember to send the love!

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