Thursday, October 25, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.N. is calling for the decriminalization of prostitution. Which means if Charlie Sheen ever ran for President, no one would would be able to ever find him or his Secret Service agents.

A U.S. Airways baggage handler was arrested for stealing $20,000 in $100 bills at a Philadelphia airport. He was caught before he could spend any of it because he couldn’t find any business that had change for a $100.

A study says that medical studies with striking results often prove false. Which means there is a pretty good business in getting funding for researchers to make outrageous studies and then getting more funding for researchers who don’t believe them.

Ford is shutting down two European plants that will lose 4,900 jobs. The only question is who will be responsible for bailing out an American car company that is in trouble in another country?

Ford is shutting down two European plants that will lose 4,900 jobs. Well, at least when American companies are losing jobs at least they don’t usually affect Americans anymore.

The College Board says the cost of college is up by about $400 this fall. Which means students are expected to buy one more book than usual.

The College Board says the cost of college is up by about $400 this fall. Who’s running these schools, former oil company executives?

The College Board says the cost of college is up by about $400 this fall. Which means parents only have to sell a few personal items on eBay this year to make up the difference.

Lance Armstrong faces up to $200 Million in potential revenue losses from the hit to his reputation over doping and losing his Tour de France victories. Ironically, he is losing so much money he can only afford to ride a bike to get to where he’s going anymore.

Lance Armstrong faces up to $200 Million in potential revenue losses from the hit to his reputation over doping and losing his Tour de France victories. Ironically, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, who lost their reputations years ago are making more money than ever.

Lance Armstrong faces up to $200 Million in potential revenue losses from the hit to his reputation over doping and losing his Tour de France victories. He has fallen so far out of grace he may be up for a role on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

A report says the fallout from foreclosures has cost nearby homeowners $2 Trillion. Which is almost as big a loss as the people who own homes near the house used for “Jersey Shore”

The U.S. is suing Countrywide Mortgage for a billion dollars for “brazen fraud”. The housing industry was shocked. The government is just figuring this out now?

Thanksgiving airfares are up 9% over last year. People are happy to pay extra as a way to give thanks they didn’t book on United or American Airlines.

A report says used car prices are falling as inventory is going up. So people will finally be able to afford to buy a car right when the price of gas is now out of reach.

San Jose has been rated as the number one cleantech city in the U.S. Apparently it is based on which city’s computer geeks are wearing the whitest sneakers.

Zynga stock has surged on high sales and casino gaming plans. Apparently they got out of the fake farm business right before the fake government subsidies were about to dry up.

A study says that laughter can be a form of exercise. Which benefits everyone when the whole gym is laughing at your attempts to lift a 20 pound barbell.

A study says that laughter can be a form of exercise. For people who don’t want to do any exercise, they are advised to watch reruns of “According To Jim”.

A report says the number of Americans falling ill or dying from contaminated food is up 44% over the past two years. In a related story, Taco Bell reports profits in the past two years are up 44%.

A report says the number of Americans falling ill or dying from contaminated food is up 44% over the past two years. Mostly because people have been eating 44% more food over the past two years.

A Virginia neuroscientist says he went to heaven while he was in a week long coma. Then he knew it was true when he woke up in Mila Kunis’ bedroom.

Chin implants are being used to make men’s testicles more symmetrical. If you know they aren’t symmetrical you have been looking down there a little too much lately.

Chin implants are being used to make men’s testicles more symmetrical. Which is exactly the opposite of what happened to Peter Griffin on “Family Guy”.

Jessica Simpson’s parents are divorcing after 34 years of marriage among rumors that her father Joe is gay. To which Simpson says it just makes them a closer family now that they all have something in common.

VH1 will air a special about the 100 greatest kid stars of all time. It will actually feature live studio interviews with the seven who are not dead or in jail.

Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson are the two top earning celebrities. Although following the new Stones tour, they may both be passed by Keith Richards.

Snooki and Jwoww will start the second season of their spinoff series on MTV in January. With both of them getting married and starting families, there will be no drinking or fighting or carousing. Critics give the show three weeks.

The Giants and Tigers each have ten foreign born players on their team, a World Series record. If Mitt Romney is elected President, they could be defending their titles next year with fifteen players on each team.

The Giants and Tigers each have ten foreign born players on their team, a World Series record. The only problem was being able to actually find enough bilingual umpires in time for the Series.

Several Italian disaster experts have resigned in the wake of the conviction of seven scientists for failing to warn of an impending earthquake. If you think they are nervous, you should see how fast the Italian economists are packing their bags.

Astronomers have captured 84 Million stars in the Milky Way Galaxy on one picture. Which means every one of them will send it as a Christmas card with a circle around one of the stars saying “You are here.”

A study says that music is more sexually arousing than touch. Which means men everywhere will now turn on the stereo and say “There’s your foreplay.”

A study says that companies started by Stanford graduates would make up the 10th largest economy in the world. Which sounds impressive until you realize they would be overshadowed by companies started by Bill Gates and Steve Jobs who never finished college.

A report says the most common password in use is still “password”. Although people are becoming more imaginative as the newest password to make the list is “password1”.

A report says the most common password in use is still “password”. New on the list of most popular passwords is “Jesus”. No one knows if it is because there are a lot of religions people online or women who are dating their Mexican gardener.

A study says that congressional staffers believe they work longer than average hours. Of course, compared with their basses, a 40 hour week is like putting in a full year.

Homeland Security says it will start recruiting employees from U.S. universities. Apparently the economy is so bad they don’t need to go to the nearest 7-11 Store to find someone who will work for $8.50 an hour.

Homeland Security says it will start recruiting employees from U.S. universities. It’s a smart move. Who else would know better where travelers are hiding their stash than someone who has been doing it for the past four years?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Giants won game one of the World Series. Now I am hoping they take a 3-0 lead and squander it with horrible losses in each of the final four games. That sounds like a normal fan fantasy, right? Well, just send the love, and if you have any extra send some Prozac as well!

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