Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new study questions the existence of PMS. It also says there is no global warming, that we never put men on the moon and that the Earth is flat.

A new study questions the existence of PMS. Apparently it concludes that every month or so, some women become homicidally insane for no apparent reason.

The University of North Carolina is dropping the word “freshman” in favor of a more gender neutral term. Apparently they are favoring the more descriptive “long term financially obligated client”.

A study says that bullying leads to suicidal thoughts in children. Mostly from their parents telling everyone they know how their kid keeps getting bullied at school.

Venezuelans are celebrating nine countrymen who will be playing in the World Series. The amazing thing is that the teams originally found all the players by just driving past the parking lot at Home Depot.

A report says that Mexican migration into the U.S. is stabilizing. Apparently we have found the best way to beat illegal immigration. Get the economy so bad that Americans will actually do the work only immigrants would do before.

A report says that one year out of college, women are already paid less than men. Which means that most women are actually having to pay money to be out of work.

A report says the U.S. may soon become the world’s top oil producer. Which means that any day we can expect the Marines to invade our coastline.

Russian lawmakers are widening the definition of treason. Apparently the new thinking is that anyone who isn’t sitting around the house drinking vodka must be up to something.

The New York State Supreme Court has ruled 4-3 that lap dancing is not art and is not subject to an artistic tax break. The worst part was after all the evidence was given, the judges had to all file their briefs.

The New York State Supreme Court has ruled 4-3 that lap dancing is not art and is not subject to an artistic tax break. The interesting part will be hearing how the three who voted for it explain their decision to their wives.

A Thai masseuse in San Francisco is offering a face slapping treatment for $350. Or you can save that money and get the same results by telling your wife how much larger her rear end is looking these days.

IKEA says its revenue will be growing up to 85% by 2020. Apparently by then people will have figured out how to assemble all the things in the boxes from IKEA that are stacked up around the house.

Hedge fund manager John Paulson has donated $100 Million to Central Park. Just how many hedges do they have in that park?

A study says that parents’ stress is linked to obese children. Especially when the parents are stressed over how they are going to pay for all the food their kid is eating.

A study says there are two ways the brain deletes bad memories. For Cubs fans, the most popular is large amounts of alcohol.

A study says there are two ways the brain deletes bad memories. The only one that works is to never let your wife find out what it is.

Researchers say that working out harder and not longer is better for your heart health. Of course, for most people a hard workout is forcing yourself to make it all the way off the couch.

Hospitals are offering first class maternity rooms for those who can afford it. In fact, Beyonce paid $1,700 a night for her room which was so ritzy that they even supplied a stand in to come in and give birth for her.

A study says that young people still frequent libraries. Mostly because that is the last place their parents will come looking for them.

A study says that young people still frequent libraries. Apparently after growing up with video games, i Phones and readers, they like to actually see for themselves these “books” their parents used to speak of.

Justin Timberlake snubbed his former bandmates from ‘N Sync and didn’t invite any of them to his wedding. Apparently the hotel the reception was at already had their own valet parking crew.

Donald Trump, Jr. and his wife had a baby boy. The baby reportedly weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz., and his combover weighed in at 2 lbs. 4 oz.

Lady Gaga has had 19 species of ferns named after her. What would really make her excited is if someone would name a cut of meat after her dress.

There is a rumor that James Blunt, who sang “You’re Beautiful” is retiring from the music business. Fans were shocked. They thought that song pretty much put an end to his career years ago.

Madonna fell on stage during a concert while singing “Like A Prayer”. Which pretty much actually did answer all of Elton John’s prayers.

The Rolling Stones previewed their new documentary “Crossfire Hurricane” which features historical footage never seen before. Fans were glad they got to see the older clips that showed Keith Richards when he was still alive.

The NFL is considering dropping the Pro Bowl. It’s a meaningless game where players are simply risking career ending injuries for nothing. Sort of like going to a Cleveland Browns game.

Hall of Fame catcher Carlton Fisk was arrested for DUI in a cornfield in Illinois. He was charged with the worst recreation of the ending of “Field of Dreams” ever.

Zynga has cut 5% of its workers and shut down 13 of its games. Apparently the moves were caused by its biggest game “Farmville” losing thousands of acres of fake farmland from this summer’s widespread fake drought.

An Amtrak train in Illinois set a record by going 110 mph. Amtrak trains have been clocked at higher speeds, but this one was different because the train was actually still on the tracks.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! The World Series starts tonight, the Tigers vs. the Giants. And if there is anything close to seeing the Dodgers win for me, it’s watching the Giants lose. I am just trying to decide if I want them to be swept in 4 or have it go the distance only to have the Giants lose in heartbreaking fashion. Bwahahaha! Either one makes me feel good. You can make me feel even better by remembering to send the love!

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