Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A temporary reduction in Social Security taxes expires at the end of the year, meaning 163 Million workers will see a tax increase in January. Experts were surprised. There are still 163 Million Americans who have jobs?

An analysis says that government workers make 34% less than their counterparts in the private sector. Which is pretty good since they work 50% fewer days and are 75% less productive.

Some doctors are starting to charge patients extra if they ask too many questions and prolong their office visit. The only question doctors want to hear is “Can I pay this bill in cash?”

Some doctors are starting to charge patients extra if they ask too many questions and prolong their office visit. They figure people don’t need to ask any questions since the diagnosis is about the same for everyone. “You need to lose fifty pounds.”

A Pennsylvania man shot a costumed 9 year old girl at a Halloween party, thinking she was a skunk. The good news is that the girl won the prize for most realistic costume.

A Pennsylvania man shot a costumed 9 year old girl at a Halloween party, thinking she was a skunk. People were shocked. Who has a Halloween party this early?

An Italian court has convicted seven scientists for failing to predict a deadly earthquake. Which means there are a lot of Italian economists who are really sweating out the country’s recession.

An Italian court has convicted seven scientists for failing to predict a deadly earthquake. Hopefully this can lead to some of those TV political analysts being a little more careful about their predictions that are always wrong.

A survey says that Americans in their late 30s are now the group most likely to doubt they will be financially secure after retirement. After all, how much longer will their parents let them live in the basement?

A survey says that Americans in their late 30s are now the group most likely to doubt they will be financially secure after retirement. Although every other age group is asking “What’s retirement?”

A survey says that Americans in their late 30s are now the group most likely to doubt they will be financially secure after retirement. They are at that awkward age. Too old to go back to school, too young to claim permanent disability.

A New Mexico man caught a car burglar by sitting on him until police arrived. After all this talk about how bad obesity is getting, it now turns out to be a valuable tool in crime fighting.

The FDA is probing several deaths being linked to high caffeine energy drinks. Starbucks also served high caffeine coffee products but the heart attack deaths there are all related to their pricing.

A survey says that one in three people would buy a haunted house. Apparently they are talking about foreclosed properties where you are occasionally spooked by the ghosts of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

A survey says that one in three people would buy a haunted house. Actually, the homes aren’t haunted. Things just keep disappearing each time the repo man comes by.

A study says that kids who are popular in school get higher paychecks down the line. Especially when they were popular in school because their parents were wealthy and now they are pulling a pretty good salary working for mom and dad.

A study says that kids who are popular in school get higher paychecks down the line. Especially the ones who became popular by lying about everything and are now Wall Street executives and Congressmen.

A 40 page manual filed in a court case outlines Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Michael Jeffries obsession with control, even telling his private pilots what underwear to use. Although you know you are really in trouble when your pilot tells you to be prepared to change your underwear.

Research says that Americans are buying fewer cars over their lifetime. Except the ones still buying American made cars that need to be replaced every couple of years.

Research says that Americans are buying fewer cars over their lifetime. In this economy, Americans are buying fewer everything over their lifetime.

Research says that Americans are buying fewer cars over their lifetime. Mostly because with so many people losing their health insurance, people aren’t living long enough to buy many cars.

A survey says the children of Baby Boomers are smarter about housing than their parents. Mostly because they watched as their parents bought a mansion they couldn’t afford with a subprime loan and are now living out of their car.

A bank robber in New York was arrested after returning to the bank because he was shortchanged of the $20,000 he asked for. His first mistake was thinking that the bank actually had $20,000 worth of deposits.

Wal-Mart is being sued by temporary workers over hours they say they had to work without pay. Although in this economy, pretty much everyone is considered a temporary worker.

A report says that 65% of the nation’s housing markets are worse off than they were before the housing bust. The other 35% are to the point where the people are buying flood insurance and praying for rain.

A study says that most high school football players are not concerned about concussions. Apparently they find that when they have one, it becomes much easier to talk to and understand the cheerleaders.

A group of pediatricians says that organic foods are no more nutritional for kids than conventional produce. Especially since it is very hard to find organic Oreos and Doritos anyway.

A study says that physical activity is better for an aging brain than mental exercises. Meaning instead of trying to remember where you parked your car, just start walking randomly around the lot until you eventually find it.

A new study gives evidence that people have premonitions. The study was conducted when one of the researchers had a hunch.

A new study gives evidence that people have premonitions. Like Cubs fans knowing they will have lots of free time in October.

A group of pediatricians says that cheerleading should be considered a sport to bring more attention to injuries that are caused by the activity. Of course, cheerleading is already considered a sport by just about every athlete on every team.

Lindsay Lohan won’t face charges in a New York City car scrape outside a bar. Even though she allegedly hit someone, she is still a better driver than 95% of the city’s cabbies.

Jay-Z and Beyonce have lost their bid to trademark their baby’s name Blue Ivy. Apparently the trademark to the name is already held by a colorblind gardener. 

Jay-Z and Beyonce have lost their bid to trademark their baby’s name Blue Ivy. Apparently they were afraid Bruce Willis might take it if he ever has another child.

An upcoming issue of Superman has Clark Kent quitting the Daily Planet. Apparently once management found out he was Superman, not only did he have to write his column but also deliver every newspaper by 6am.

A report says that golfer Rory McIlroy will sign with Nike for $250 Million over ten years. Nike had better be careful. Isn’t that the same deal that the Texas Rangers gave A-Rod?

Lance Armstrong has been officially stripped of all seven of his Tour de France wins. In fact, he’s not even allowed to wear a yellow shirt unless he is working security at a concert.

An Intel executive says that driverless cars will be available to the public in ten years. Unless you count the ones already on the road that have the person behind the wheel sending out texts.

An Intel executive says that driverless cars will be available to the public in ten years. The only thing is can we wait that long before Lindsay Lohan really goes out of control behind the wheel?

A study says that 80% of all homemade pornography ends up online. Usually on an ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page.

A study says that 80% of all homemade pornography ends up online. Apparently the other 20% are fat girls.

IKEA says it will use solar and wind energy to make its stores energy independent. The only problem is that the employees can’t seem to assemble the IKEA wind turbines and solar panels the company makes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Giants won last night. Ugh...We just have to turn our attention to the Detroit Tigers to win the Series. It’s Detroit’s turn to bail us out...Just make sure you always remember to send the love!

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