Sunday, October 21, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A flyer for a local California election offered free medical grade marijuana to anyone showing up to vote. The only problem is that anyone who regularly smokes pot isn’t going to get there until three days after the polls close.

The Pope has named seven new saints. Not on the list are any of the four from New Orleans who were suspended in the bounty scandal.

The Pope has named seven new saints, including the first Native American. She is now known as Saint Sitting-On-Cloud.

A survey shows that one quarter of people brought a coupon on a first date. The survey shows the other three quarters reported having a second date.

The SEC has received nearly 3,000 whistleblower tips in the first year of the program. This is different than the SEC sitting around whistling while the banks blew up the economy.

Gucci is offering a $14,000 bicycle for sale. It’s for environmentally concerned executives who want to do their part to conserve energy while riding their bike to the airport to travel on their private jets.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says 300,000 more women have entered the workforce in the past six months. Apparently Wall Street executive bonuses are up enough to support that many dancers, strippers and escorts.

McDonald’s is going to focus more on its Dollar Menu until the economy starts picking up more. McDonald’s is doing its best to make sure that clogged arteries don’t become only a status symbol for the rich.

The Association of American Medical Colleges says the doctor shortage in the country will reach 90,000 by 2020. Apparently by then there will be a need for that many plastic surgeons just to take care of Cher and Joan Rivers.

38.4% of fast food workers say their job makes the world a worse place. At least for them, having to work at a fast food restaurant.

38.4% of fast food workers say their job makes the world a worse place. While 100% of Americans say the job of member of Congress makes the world a worse place.

Researchers say that people who are accepted to elite colleges but attend elsewhere do just as well in their careers. Mostly because it takes ten years less to pay off their college loans.

Gun rights activists are against a Chicago proposal to charge a tax of a nickel for each bullet and $25 for each gun sold. Apparently they are worried that more people will be hurt as the extra cost will make criminals try to aim better when they shoot.

A new version of “The Night Before Christmas” has Santa Claus giving up smoking. Apparently those aren’t elves who are making his toys. They are workers whose growth was stunted from second hand smoke.

A new version of “The Night Before Christmas” has Santa Claus giving up smoking. Not only that, he only visits houses that cut out the cookies and milk and leave a snack of celery, bananas and non-fat yogurt.

A study says that power naps may boost right brain activity. The best way to prepare for taking a snooze is to read a study about power naps.

A study says the rate of severely obese Americans is up 70% in the past decade. The other 30% will get there but just need a little more time.

A study says the rate of severely obese Americans is up 70% in the past decade. While the economy has avoided inflation, our waistlines are making up for it.

An Italian court has ruled that a man’s brain tumor was caused by using his cellphone six hours a day for 12 years. The court also ruled that his constant use of his cellphone caused earaches in anyone standing within six feet of him.

Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling its spray on lotion as it has reportedly caused users’ skin to catch on fire. The company claims no wrongdoing as it says the product prevents sunburn, not third degree chemical burns.

Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling its spray on lotion as it has reportedly caused users’ skin to catch on fire. Authorities knew there was a problem when the directions advised to apply, spray with a fire extinguisher and then repeat as necessary.

Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling its spray on lotion as it has reportedly caused users’ skin to catch on fire. After hearing about the problem, several cases were immediately sent to the entire cast of “Jersey Shore”.

A report says that hospital food is frequently contaminated with a diarrhea causing bug. Hospital patients don’t seem to mind as that’s the fastest way to get the meals out of their system as soon as possible.

Research says that boys are entering puberty earlier than ever, as young as 9 or 10. The good news is that cuts down the career life span of every new boy band that is currently being formed.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have announced they have gotten married. Wedding guests were just scared to see what was in the box he gave her as a wedding present.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have announced they have gotten married. Which means that every bachelor has to say goodbye to the chances of marrying another beautiful starlet they never even had a chance to get closer than a hundred yards.

CBS has announced it will air a “SpongeBob SquarePants” Christmas special. Apparently SpongeBob will try to find out who at CBS was dumb enough to let “A Charlie Brown Christmas” go over to ABC.

Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2.5 Million jewel studded Fantasy Bra to be worn at their fashion show. Obviously, the bra is a fantasy if you are a woman. For men, the fantasy is to see any Victoria’s Secret model’s bra drop to the floor.

Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2.5 Million jewel studded Fantasy Bra to be worn at their fashion show. Coincidentally, men need to have a bank account of $2.5 Million to be able to see a Victoria’s Secret model take it off.

Britney Spears’ father says he feared she would die during her 2007 meltdown. Now he just fears it every time she decides to take the car for a drive.

Michael Lohan tried a failed intervention on his daughter Lindsay. That’s like Paris Hilton trying to arrange acting lessons for Kim Kardashian.

Michael Lohan tried a failed intervention on his daughter Lindsay. He could have had more success and saved some money by just arranging a group intervention for the whole family.

President Obama has reportedly been giving Jay-Z parental advice. In return, Jay-Z has been helping the Obamas house hunt for after next January.

Eastern Kentucky University has acquired a 33 pound meteorite that was used as a doorstop for years by a Tennessee family. Most Tennesseans believe it was the first form to visit the state from outer space since the aliens that kidnapped Elvis.

Mark Zuckerberg tells entrepreneurs to not just start a company but to do something fundamental. Like create a website that allows people to waste half their time putting up drunk photos and telling all their friends what they had for breakfast.

A wide angle camera is now available for people to used for Internet calls. How fat are we that we can’t even fit ourselves on a computer screen anymore?

Mark Zuckerberg says that in ten years, people will be sharing 1,000 times what they do today. Apparently that means that people will be posting every time they breathe.

The theft rate of cell phones has been rising rapidly nationally. To which people in restaurants, movie theaters and at airports are saying “Thank you!”

U.N. affiliated election monitors from Europe and Asia will be posted at polling places across the U.S. on election day looking for voter suppression activities. Of course, the number one vote inhibitor is all the political commercials that are playing non-stop on TV  all day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Former Presidential candidate George McGovern has passed away at age 90. He was a true liberal through and through, which probably cost him the election in 1972. But comedy writers everywhere are in debt to him for losing because it gave us Nixon’s second term. RIP, George. And no matter what your politics, it is always appreciated when you send the love!

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