Friday, October 19, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


After 80 years in print, Newsweek magazine will just be available online starting in 2013. Not to say subscriptions have been down, but going paperless and not having to send printed copies to all of its subscribers could save as many as three trees a year.

A report says that violent crime in the U.S. jumped 18% last year. And that was just from the New Orleans Saints’ bounty program.

A report says that property crime in the U.S. was up 11% in 2011. Which confused experts who were asking “Who still has property?”

Chicago is planning a five cent tax on every bullet sold in the city. The good news is that shooting victims will be able to take a nickel deduction on their city taxes every time they are shot.

Chicago is planning a five cent tax on every bullet sold in the city. Which means pretty soon the criminals will be buying bullets to steal bullets from the other criminals.

Gallup says that 3.4% of the U.S. adult population is LGBT. To which Mitt Romney says that LGBT are great sandwiches.

A man ran the Baltimore Marathon in two hours and 46 minutes wearing flip flops. It was the first time someone has flip flopped a sub-three hour Marathon since Paul Ryan.

Men’s Health magazine has named Michael Phelps the “Fittest man ever”. Although they gave special consideration to Mitt Romney who has been running non-stop for President since 2008.

Men’s Health magazine has named Michael Phelps the “Fittest man ever”. Health experts were just surprised they could find 100 men who are physically fit.

Men’s Health magazine has named Michael Phelps the “Fittest man ever”. Now that he’s out of the pool his muscles will look even better when he loses the skin wrinkles.

Some hotels are encouraging travelers to exercise outdoors by walking around and sightseeing. Or as that’s called in Detroit, “adding vacancies”.

The British government is looking to recruit teens as its next generation of spies. Who ever thought the new way of gathering classified information would be to have spies friend each other on Facebook?

Two New York brothers waited almost the maximum of six years to claim a $5 Million lottery win. Apparently the decided they had better do it now because once Bloomberg is gone, the city is going to be flat broke.

A San Francisco man has hired a woman to slap him every time he logs onto Facebook. That’s so he doesn’t waste time online. He has hired another person to save him money by slapping him every time he tries to buy Facebook stock.

A San Francisco man has hired a woman to slap him every time he logs onto Facebook. Of course, being in San Francisco he also had the option of hiring women who would whip him, tie him up or shock him with a cattle prod.

The top 10% wealthiest Americans will reportedly spend more on Christmas than the other 90% combined. Mostly because the other 90% is still trying to pay off Christmas from 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011.

California and several other states took part in an earthquake drill this week. Of course, in California an earthquake drill is anything that measures less than 5.6 on the Richter Scale.

A pediatrician’s group is warning about kids’ easy access to guns in the home. Not so much for the kids’ safety, it’s just that the doctors are tired of having children pull a gun on them when they don’t want an inoculation.

A dissolvable strip allows people to eat hot food without the pain from being burned. How fat have we gotten that we just can’t wait two minutes for the food to cool down before we force it down our throats?

Donald Trump says he does not approve of the rekindled relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. And they should listen, because who knows more about making a marriage work than a man who has been down the aisle three times?

“Animal Practice” has been canceled after five episodes. Or as NBC calls that, “A smash hit”.

“Animal Practice” has been canceled after five episodes. In fact, it was so bad instead of canceling it, the network had to euthanize it.

“Animal Practice” has been canceled after five episodes. Even Bob Barker was calling for it to be spayed and neutered.

Heidi Montag says she would never go through all her cosmetic surgery again. Just imagine if she had spent that money instead on acting lessons.

Heidi Montag says she would never go through all her cosmetic surgery again. Mostly because she keeps getting mistaken for Joan Rivers.

Joaquin Phoenix says the Oscars are “the stupidest thing in the world.” Which basically means he hasn’t won one.


Joaquin Phoenix says the Oscars are “the stupidest thing in the world.” Actually, what is even more stupid is using the non-word “stupidest”.

A museum dedicated to movies will open in Los Angeles in 2016. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will go $250 Million in the red just building it. In other words, it’s like producing a Kevin Costner film.

A museum dedicated to movies will open in Los Angeles in 2016. It is expected to bring in huge crowds who will pay high prices to walk in and see refurbished relics. Kind of like going to see a Cher movie.

“Dancing With The Stars” professionals Anna Trebunskaya and Jonathan Roberts are getting divorced after nine years of marriage. Viewers were shocked. There’s a male dancer who isn’t gay?

Alex Rodriguez hit one for nine with three strikeouts in the Yankees loss to the Tigers. Or as he calls it, a pretty good post season.

The FTC is offering $50,000 to anyone who comes up with the best way to stop robocalls. The best advice so far is to quit handing out your phone number to any robots you happen to meet.

GM is planning to hire 3,000 former HP workers as they insource IT work. So a company that had to be bailed out by the government is hiring people from a company on the verge of bankruptcy to keep their jobs from going overseas. No wonder economists can never figure out what is going on.

Apple’s logo is under fire from Russian Orthodox Christians for being “blasphemous” in what they say is a representation of Adam and Eve’s sin. Most other Russians don’t care as they haven’t actually seen an apple in any market since 1958.

A study says that student loan debt is at a record high, averaging $26,600 per student. And that’s just what they owe GameStop for all the video games they have piled up in their dorm room.

A study says that young people are more lax about choosing safe passwords. When you are 18, what can anyone hack into except your naked party pictures which are up on Facebook for everyone to see anyway.

A study says that young people are more lax about choosing safe passwords. Of course, older people are the ones who spend three hours trying to remember which password they use for Facebook and which one is for their online banking.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Yankees are out, now all I need to be completely happy is to see the dreaded Giants get theirs, too. Sounds like a good baseball weekend. It only gets better when you send the love!

2 comments:

Catherine said...

So I guess A-Rod is striking out on and off the field this post season...

Have a great weekend!

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