Thursday, October 18, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Researchers at Colorado University predict there is a 77% likelihood that Mitt Romney will win the popular vote. Experts are skeptical as the researchers also gave a 77% chance the CU football team would win more than one game this year.

Researchers at Colorado University predict there is a 77% likelihood that Mitt Romney will win the popular vote. Which is a 72% better chance than a CU student getting a job within a year of graduation.

A study says that germs are faster than the five second rule. Which means the team of researchers that came up with the original scientific theory of the five second rule must go back over all their research and revise their original findings or forfeit their Nobel Prize.

A study says that germs are faster than the five second rule. Of course, anything that is worth using the five second rule on is probably more dangerous to your system than germs anyway.

A study says the richest man in the history of the world was African King Mansa Musa I of Mali. Apparently he was worth an adjusted $400 Billion in the 14th Century. He made the money from the country’s resources of gold and salt. However, he went broke in the low sodium revolution of 1352.

A celebrity sperm donor service is gearing up for business. Women have to watch out or they could unknowingly be bringing up the next Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise or Kevin Federline.

Fans are reportedly outraged over the price of tickets on the Rolling Stones new tour. The Stones defend the prices, saying it’s not cheap to have a stage with full handicap access for the band.

New Jersey residents are being warned about a “James Bond” gang of sophisticated burglars hitting affluent areas. It is the biggest rip off associate with James Bond since “A View To A Kill”.

The Captain of the cruise ship Costa Concordia which sank off the Italian coast says he saved lives by steering toward shallow water. Of course, the water wouldn’t have been so shallow if it weren’t for all the rocks right below the surface.

The Captain of the cruise ship Costa Concordia which sank off the Italian coast says he saved lives by steering toward shallow water. Even Joseph Hazelwood is telling the guy to just keep his mouth shut.

Nike, Anheuser-Busch and Radio Shack have dropped out as sponsors of Lance Armstrong. The deal is costing Armstrong millions in endorsement money from Nike and Anheuser Busch, and the Radio Shack deal means no more free batteries for his iPod.

French President Francois Hollande says he wants to abolish homework. Apparently he wants to rule a country that is not only rude but equally as dumb.

The Misery Index is predicting a win for President Obama. Apparently the Misery Index is how people feel about the chances of the nation recovering after watching the presidential debates.

Nike has dropped their sponsorship of Lance Armstrong, citing his long history of abuse of performance enhancing drugs. Nike claims to be completely drug free. They are so clean, they won’t even let the three year olds working in their Chinese factories take Flintstone chewable vitamins.

NYU Law School is planning to overhaul the third year of classes. Apparently the new criteria includes a high speed driving course to be able to keep up with speeding ambulances.

NYU Law School is planning to overhaul the third year of classes. Apparently woodworking, plumbing and electronics are being offered for the students who want to actually be able to get a job when they graduate.

A study says that creativity is linked to mental illness. Apparently the study was pretty much based on Michael Jackson. 

A study says that routine physical exams don’t have any effect on longevity. At least not for the patient. The doctor gets to use the money to pay for their country club membership and live it up, adding years to their lives.

A study says that routine physical exams don’t have any effect on longevity. At least not for the patient. Mostly because men wouldn’t tell the doctor they were feeling poorly if they were having a heart attack in the examination room.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev says he wants public smoking outlawed by 2015. He says tobacco companies are “making money on children”. To which Nike says “How could anyone do such a thing?”

A special type of underwear that delivers an electrical shock is being used to prevent bed sores. Women also see it as a tool to stop their husbands from mentioning other women’s names in their sleep.

A special type of underwear that delivers an electrical shock is being used to prevent bed sores. Of course, it depends on if you are more comfortable with bed sores or electrical burns.

An analysis says that some anti-depressants may raise the risk of having a stroke. Which is really bad when people are on anti-depressants because they are depressed thinking they may have a stroke.

An analysis says that some anti-depressants may raise the risk of having a stroke. Especially when the patient doesn’t have health insurance and gets the bill from the pharmacy.

Flea, the bass player of the Red Hot Chili Peppers has turned 50. His doctors advice on reaching that age is no more spicy food.

Kate Gosselin was fired from her job as a coupon blogger for lack of “authenticity”. Now there’s the harsh reality of reality TV. When the gimmick is gone, it’s back to minimum wage.

Rapper Flavor Flav was arrested for domestic violence and assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently he really clocked someone.

Rapper Flavor Flav was arrested for domestic violence and assault with a deadly weapon. At least he can use that giant clock he wears to keep track of how much time he has left in prison.

Ashton Kutcher has been named TV’s highest paid actor, at $24 Million a year. The least paid, David Hasselhoff who gets three burgers a week delivered to his living room carpet.

Researches say that dolphins can stay awake two weeks at a time by using only half their brain to stay awake. Which is the exact same way that UNLV students make it through their Monday classes.

Researches say that dolphins can stay awake two weeks at a time by using only half their brain to stay awake. Apparently it is exactly the same technique used by most air traffic controllers.

Police departments across the nation say they are not anticipating any riots on election day in November. Mostly because the NBA Finals aren’t until June.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts says the court’s view is neither liberal or conservative. Which means that most decisions come down to who has the hot hand at Yahtzee on that particular day. 

Nielsen says that 65.6 Million people watched the second presidential debate. Most were disappointed because the majority were insomniacs who were really helped out during the first one.

A survey of Harvard business alumni says that U.S. business is losing its edge. If you look at most U.S. businesses, the problem is this economy is pushing them off the edge.

A study says that voting raises levels in people’s stress hormone. No wonder. With the choices we have, it’s like asking someone to choose if they would rather live in Iran or Afghanistan.

A survey says that shoppers are going to splurge on themselves this holiday season. Mostly because everyone else they know is too broke to buy them anything.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Yankees could be eliminated tonight, which makes just about every other baseball fan happy. Just seeing A-Rod on the bench hitting on women in the seats while his team is losing makes us all wonder how his agent got him such a great contract? All I know is, no matter which team you are pulling for you should always remember to send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The flavor flav joke about clocking someone was fantastic. Great work, as always, Jim!