Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A government study shows that “gaydar”, the ability to tell is someone is gay by the way they look and act is real and with most people is 60% accurate. In fact, it’s so accurate the military almost changed its policy to “Don’t tell, we already know”.

A Connecticut woman was arrested for drunk driving after drinking a half bottle of hand sanitizer. Which made a complete oxymoron of the term “clean and sober”.

A Connecticut woman was arrested for drunk driving after drinking a half bottle of hand sanitizer. Who thought the new line at bars would be “Can I buy you a Purell?”

A report says that Amtrak snack bars lost $833 Million in the past ten years. No wonder our country is so far in debt. When you lose money selling Americans candy and sodas, you don’t have a prayer at balancing any budget.

A report says that Amtrak snack bars lost $833 Million in the past ten years. That surprised officials who heard the snacks were flying off the shelves. Until they found out that meant literally flying off the shelves every time a train would derail.

Scientists say that mice can “sing” in tune with each other. The only problem is that getting caught in a mouse trap tends to make them a little “flat”.

Scotland is planning to hold an election for independence from the UK in 2014. Apparently they want to go toe to toe with Ireland to see which one can claim rights as the drunkest sovereign nation in the world.

Scotland is planning to hold an election for independence from the UK in 2014. Apparently the rest of the UK is tired of them always insisting they try some Haggis “just once”.

Scotland is planning to hold an election for independence from the UK in 2014. Their fashion is wearing kilts, their sport is throwing tree trunks and their food is sheep organs cooked in its stomach. They need to have their own country.

A court has ruled that phone books have First Amendment protection. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s a phone book?”

A court has ruled that phone books have First Amendment protection. Although more and more people are demanding Second Amendment rights when they have three or four of them dropped on their doorstep.

The Cuban Government has decided to let citizens travel freely without going through the lengthy process of getting an exit visa. Now anyone on the island who has access to a raft can feel free to travel the world.

A study says that Americans’ cholesterol levels have improved over the past 20 years. Mostly because people who had high cholesterol levels 20 years ago are no longer around for the latest studies.

Foxconn admits it used underage interns as young as fourteen in a Chinese factory. Or as most people call underage, unpaid workers, “slaves”.

Foxconn admits it used underage interns as young as fourteen in a Chinese factory. Apparently they were taking all the employees that had become too old and were asking for too much money to work for Nike anymore.

Foxconn admits it used underage interns as young as fourteen in a Chinese factory. Foxconn is the one company that makes Wal-Mart employees actually appreciate where they are working.

Aerialist Nik Wallenda is planning a tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. Apparently having a foreign name, he felt that was his best bet to get into Arizona unnoticed.

Target is already starting to play Christmas themed ads. What’s worse, is that they are advertising for Christmas 2013.

The Census Bureau says people graduating with an education degree make the least amount of career money, about $1.8 Million. Which is just about enough to pay off their 30 year college loans with interest.

The Census Bureau says people graduating with an education degree make the least amount of career money, about $1.8 Million. That doesn’t include money taken out to buy body armor to wear to work.

Southwest Airlines has hired the former head of the FAA as a senior vice president. Apparently they are planning to take advantage of his knowing how to wake up sleeping air traffic controllers to get their planes taking off on time.

A study says that boys with ADHD may face tougher times as men. Although they can’t deny that so far they have been proven wrong at least by George W. Bush.

A study says that motherhood may dampen the effects of cocaine use. Apparently the study is on hold until either Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan get pregnant.

Halloween pirate costumes from China were seized for possible lead contamination. Apparently it was a bit too realistic. The cannon that came with the costume used real lead cannonballs.

Paul Shaffer says he may leave “The Late Show” and David Letterman after 2014. Apparently he feels it’s just not the same since Letterman quit coming in after 2010.

Paul Shaffer says he may leave “The Late Show” and David Letterman after 2014. Even though he’s not an intern, he doesn’t like the way Dave has been giving him “the eye” lately.

A music publication says that songs by Adele and Celine Dion are among the most popular songs requested for funerals. Apparently it’s the deceased’s last chance to strike some revenge on the people they don’t care for.

“Bob’s Burgers” has been renewed for a fourth season on Fox. Viewers and critics are both excited, since none of them have seen any of the first three seasons.

At the presidential debate last night, 82 uncommitted voters were assembled to ask the candidates questions. The scary part is that they found 82 people who still can’t make up their minds about this election.

At the presidential debate last night, 82 uncommitted voters were assembled to ask the candidates questions. The debate almost started late because half the audience couldn’t decide what to wear, where to eat or how to get there.

A New Orleans Saints fan is suing the NFL for punishing the Saints, calling League Commissioner Roger Goodell “dictatorial, unreasonable and vindictive.” The League was shocked. They hadn’t heard those words strung together since before Al Davis died.

Alex Rodriguez was benched for Game 1 of the series between the Yankees and Tigers and was seen flirting with women in the crowd from the bench. Coaches weren’t worried.They know A-Rod always has trouble scoring in the playoffs.

A mobile phone app promises to psychoanalyze both candidates in the debates in real time. It turns out the app just keeps popping up the word “Liar!” every fifteen seconds.

Presidential debate moderator Candy Crowley said she was going to have an active role in the debate and was not going to be a debate spectator. To which President Obama said “You know, I might try that myself.”

Michelle Obama says her husband doesn’t have a “big ego”. Apparently she keeps it down by making him watch videos of him bowling along with clips from the first debate.

A study says that alcohol can shorten a person’s life more than smoking. Mostly because who can drink without having a cigarette to go along with it?

A study says that alcohol can shorten a person’s life more than smoking. Mostly because not that many people are killed by driving while smoking.

A study says that credit cards have as many germs as a toilet bowl. Which explains the new “2,000 Flushes Visa Card” that is now being offered.

A study says that credit cards have as many germs as a toilet bowl. Which is ironic since so many people have used their cards to flush their credit ratings right down the crapper.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful readers! Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up after the fifth question that neither candidate decided to answer. Oh, well...I’ll just let Jon Stewart tell me who won as usual. In the meantime, don’t pass up the opportunity to tell a friend about the blog and to always make sure to send the love!

1 comment:

DH said...

Extra funny today!!