Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The U.S. says it will end pro-democracy radio broadcasts in Russia. In fact, democracy is working so well in Russia they are telling us we should try it some time.

Riot police were called out as a mob of skateboarders who ran amok through Hollywood. A skateboard riot is what happens when gas gets too expensive for motorcycle gang members.

President Obama is reported to be working on being more aggressive in tonight’s presidential debate. For one thing, he will try to stay awake through the entire event.

Economists say that unemployment will stay at 7.8% through next year. Knowing that, there is really no reason to hire any economists in the next year.

The Army commemorated the anniversary of the first public burning of a draft card. Meanwhile, Republicans celebrated the anniversary of the first person to be granted a college draft deferment.

A study says that women are more stressed out over bad news. Mostly because just about all the bad news they get is about their husband.

A study says there is a $1.2 Trillion shortfall in public pension funds. Imagine the shock when public workers find their retirement funds are in as bad a shape as everyone else’s 401(k) plan.

Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. Which shows the Nobel Foundation at least has a sense of humor.

Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. Which means the early favorite for next year’s Peace Prize is Iran.

Felix Baumgartner successfully made his 23 mile jump to earth, becoming the first person to break the sound barrier without a plane or spacecraft. Except for a few Wal-Mart shoppers when the doors open on Black Friday.

Felix Baumgartner successfully made his 23 mile jump to earth. He was sponsored by Red Bull energy drinks. Apparently free falling at 800 mph just isn’t the same without a rush of caffeine going through your brain at the same time.

Felix Baumgartner successfully made his 23 mile jump to earth, becoming the first person to break the sound barrier without a plane or spacecraft. The only problem is that he will be picking bugs out of his teeth for the next six months. 

The Knoxville News Sentinel newspaper in Tennessee has ended their endorsements for President. Mostly because they don’t want to risk offending the three people who still actually subscribe to the Knoxville News Sentinel.

The Knoxville News Sentinel newspaper in Tennessee has ended their endorsements for President. Mostly because they realize most Tennesseans can’t pass the literacy test to vote in the first place.

Four elephants were unhurt when a circus truck crashed in Mississippi. Fortunately, they were able to fit in the standard issue Mississippi sized seat belts.

Four elephants were unhurt when a circus truck crashed in Mississippi. It was the biggest wreck associated with elephants since John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate.

Data says that U.S. family debt is down to pre-recession levels. Mostly because no one has any money or any credit left from the crash to go into debt with anymore.

Data says that U.S. family debt is down to pre-recession levels. Of course, it was all the heavy debt with mortgages and other items people couldn’t afford that caused the recession in the first place.

A report says one billion women will enter the work force in the next decade. Apparently there just aren’t enough men in China to handle the billion new jobs we are sending their way.

A report says a skilled factory worker shortage could increase by ten times by 2020. Of course that won’t be that big of a deal since there will be an even bigger shortage of factories left in the U.S. by then.

A poll says nearly half of all Americans feel that neither candidate will have much of an effect on their financial situation. Mostly because they haven’t had a financial situation other than “broke” since 2007.

A study says that depression could be caused by an “allergy” to stress according to studies on mice. So if the study proves correct, at least we can be satisfied knowing we have the happiest mice on the planet.

An analysis says that sitting for long periods of time can lead to diabetes and heart disease. The study was done on the people sitting around doing the analysis who all have diabetes and heart disease.

Cheerios cereal will be made less sweet outside the U.S. by adding less sugar. Which means the entire contents along with the box will be made entirely of cardboard.

Cheerios cereal will be made less sweet outside the U.S. by adding less sugar. Leave it to Americans to demand that even healthy foods still have some sugar added.

A study says that an extra 27 minutes of sleep each night makes for better behaved kids. Of course, if the kids were better behaved they would get in bed in time to get more than an extra 27 minutes of sleep.

A study says that an extra 27 minutes of sleep each night makes for better behaved kids. Of course, most kids more than make up for the with the time they are sleeping during class.

A study says that people who undergo weight loss surgery risk addictive behavior. Sort of like the addictive eating that caused them to have weight loss surgery in the first place.

The first medical marijuana center in New Jersey has been given the OK to open. Well, at least we’ll know where to find the cast of “Jersey Shore” once the show ends later this year.

Mitt Romney will skip a planned appearance on “The View”. He says if he wanted that kind of animosity and aggressiveness, he would have been the one to debate Joe Biden.

Mike Tyson will publish his memoirs next summer. Just as soon as he can learn to write.

Mike Tyson will publish his memoirs next summer. Recently he did a one man show on Broadway. Mostly because everyone else was too scared to go on stage with him.

Mike Tyson will publish his memoirs next summer. He will finally answer the question as to how drunk was he or was it just plain insanity that caused him to get that face tattoo?

Mike Tyson will publish his memoirs next summer. The title will be “I Blew Through Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars And All I Got Was This Lousy Face Tattoo”.

A report says that 25 primates are on the brink of extinction. Which can mean only one thing. McDonald’s is about ready to bring back the McRib.

Apple plans on opening a store in Beijing this week. Shoppers can go in on Monday and buy the products they made on Friday.

The life span of humans made a huge jump in the past century, mostly from environmental improvements as opposed to genetics. Which begs the question was it the air pollution, toxic chemical spills or tainted food that has made us live so much longer?

The life span of humans made a huge jump in the past century, mostly from environmental improvements as opposed to genetics. Just look at us. I don’t think anyone would credit genetics for anything we have done.

A report says that prison crowding is undermining the safety of the inmates. The more dangerous it gets, the less crowding. Problem solved.

Michelle Obama says that early voting is the campaign’s “secret weapon”. Meaning that hopefully they got a lot of people to vote before they saw the first debate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The second presidential debate is tonight. Will you be watching? Tell all your insomniac friends to tune in for a sure cure. And make sure you remember to send the love!

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