Sunday, October 14, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


NASA has signed an agreement to develop and market a nasal spray to prevent motion sickness. Apparently they decided to branch out into the business world once they stopped launching astronauts into space.

NASA has signed an agreement to develop and market a nasal spray to prevent motion sickness. The only problem is dealing with the smell of Tang lingering in your nose the rest of the day.

NASA has signed an agreement to develop and market a nasal spray to prevent motion sickness. Ironically, after paying through the nose for all their space programs they now want to put something back in the other direction.

A proposed Internet fee by the U.N. is gaining momentum. Which means that men the world over can rest easy knowing that each time they log onto a new porn site, there is money going to help keep the world at peace.

Thieves stole a large amount of newly minted $100 bills headed to a federal facility. The crooks shouldn’t be hard to catch. They will be the only people in the country who will actually have any $100 bills they will be trying to spend.

The European Union won the Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently they won because they are pretty much the only region in the world that isn’t at war somewhere.

The European Union won the Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently they won because they are letting Greece stay on even though their economy is pulling down the entire continent.

The government spent $6 Million on a “text against terror” program in New Jersey that hasn’t yielded one tip. Although it has caused 325 accidents from people thinking that the program justifies texting while driving.

The government spent $6 Million on a “text against terror” program in New Jersey that hasn’t yielded one tip. So far all they’ve gotten is several complaints about the cast of “Jersey Shore” being drunk and disorderly and Governor Chris Christie being a bully.

A California man died after being cooked to death in a tuna plant oven. The company’s only response so far is “Sorry, Charlie.”

A French woman received a phone bill for $15.5 Quadrillion. Even out Congress was asking how someone could spend that much money.

A French woman received a phone bill for $15.5 Quadrillion. Apparently she kept calling back Miss Cleo repeatedly to find out exactly what great financial disaster was awaiting her.

A French woman received a phone bill for $15.5 Quadrillion. The phone company says she can pay it off with installments. Just a quadrillion a year for fifteen years and the balance is paid off.

BMW is alluring Lessees by letting them skip as many as three payments. The tough part is getting them to come up with the money for the other nine months of the year.

A poll says that 75% of Americans believe global warming is affecting weather in the U.S. The other 25% just feel that crocodiles and alligators are migrating to Canada for a change of scenery.

“Rich Dad, Poor Dad” author Robert Kiyosaki has filed for bankruptcy. Well, at least we found out which dad he is.

A “99 Cent Only” store is looking for space on Rodeo Drive. Of course, the only thing you can get for 99 cents on Rodeo Drive is a nickel.

An analysis of Mitt Romney’s tax plan says wiping out deductions wouldn’t offset lower tax rates. Mostly because people’s mortgage, health care and charitable deductions have all been pretty much been a thing of the past since the economic crash.

The Federal Government is closing in on filing an anti-trust lawsuit against Google. Ironically, they got all the evidence they needed by googling “Google monopoly”.

Researchers say that bacteria in people’s stomachs may be the cause of morbid obesity. Especially the bacteria that is found in donuts, hamburgers and French fries.

A study has identified the ten most annoying sounds to humans. And nine of them come from Justin Bieber.

A study has identified the ten most annoying sounds to humans. At the top of the list is the spouse’s special ring tone.

A study has identified the ten most annoying sounds to humans. Number one is a “foreclosed” sign being pounded into your front lawn.

Researchers say that office workers who spend an hour a day at a stand up work station are more energized, productive and happier. Which means that pretty soon women can expect to see urinals installed in the women’s restrooms.

A poll says that people who are more satisfied with their community are physically healthier than those who are dissatisfied or feel their neighborhood is becoming worse. Which is bad news for anyone who sees Lindsay Lohan’s moving truck coming up their street.

A Georgia woman became the first in the state to give birth to her own grandchild. Not only that, it was also the first time a woman in Georgia gave birth to a child that wasn’t her cousin.

Actress Taryn Manning was arrested for choking her personal assistant in a New York hotel room. She is being charged with impersonating Naomi Campbell.

Madonna dedicated a striptease at a concert to a child activist shot by the Taliban. You know your activism has made inroads when it inspires Madonna to take off her clothes for it.

Madonna dedicated a striptease at a concert to a child activist shot by the Taliban. Well, if you can’t win a Nobel Prize for it, a striptease is a nice consolation award.

Nielsen says that 51.4 Million people watched the Vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan. There was tension, laughing, crying and lies. It’s already being talked about as a replacement show on MTV now that “Jersey Shore” is ending.

“The Bachelorette” couple Emily Maynard and Jef Holm have split. In other TV news, Jay Leno told some jokes on “The Tonight Show” last week.

Claustrophobia in a special pressurized suit almost scrubbed the extreme jump by skydiver Felix Baumgartner. Which means he is willing to freefall from 23 miles above the earth but wouldn’t dare try to take a flight on Southwest Airlines.

Carrie Fisher has been honored for her work with mental illness advocacy. She has played a big role in giving thousands of “Star Wars” fans a reason to live.

The U.S. suspects Iran is behind a wave of cyberattacks around the world. Maybe it’s time the military stops using the word “password” for all their top level classified computer passwords.

A poll says a majority of Americans say the government should not favor any set of values. Are they kidding? We torture our enemies, start unnecessary wars and are $16 Trillion in debt. What values are they talking about?

A Navy submarine and cruiser collided off the coast of Florida. The Navy blames it on the elderly captain of the cruiser who was traveling with his turn signal always on.

The Captain of the Costa Concordia cruise ship that capsized off the coast of Italy says he was unfairly fired. That’s what happens when you hire a ship’s captain whose only prior experience was working for Amtrak.

Lindsay Lohan says she is supporting Mitt Romney because unemployment is a big concern. That’s a weak argument. There is no unemployment problem in Hollywood as long as Lindsay Lohan is still finding work.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The next presidential debate is coming up this week. If nothing else, the debates have discovered one thing that President Obama is worse at than bowling. No matter who you are supporting in the upcoming election, make sure you take some time to send the love!

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